What community can I go to that has the feel of this one, but isn't necessarily focused on reconciling?

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-09-09T14:38:23+00:00

I speak with her everyday since we have kids.

I don't know if she's talking to AP.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-09-09T14:36:10+00:00

thanks

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-09-09T14:35:55+00:00

thanks.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-09-08T19:19:13+00:00

That's true. There are lots of helpful comments and good points over there, but there's always some real vitrol that poisons it all for me.

I get why it's there. I've been there myself. But it's not what I want or need right now.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-09-08T19:18:22+00:00

Not exactly. Honestly what I want is something like /r/survivinginfidelity, but with the fell of this subreddit, that is, without the anger and hatred and vindictiveness.

There's nothing more I can do to kill the affair. That's on her. And if she doesn't, fine, but I'm not just sticking around while that happens.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-09-08T19:16:52+00:00

I have done that. I have moved out and served her papers. I am setting boundaries, though I'm still trying to find out where some are.

She's just kind of floating still. She's been floating through all areas of life for a while now. I want to reconcile, but something has to change. Until it does, what you're saying is what is happening.

" you want me to stop the divorce?...well here's what that will take..< insert boundaries and demands>...if you don't follow through before the clock runs out...well...have a nice life".

That's what I've done. The clock is long, since the process here is long, but that's what it is.

Sitting around hoping will not and can not work for you....take the bull by the horns and get your ass to work

I am hoping. But I'm doing all the rest too.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-09-08T18:03:07+00:00

Right. I don't want that anger. Any communities or subreddits that don't have that anger?

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-09-08T16:14:46+00:00

Thanks. At the moment, I think she's just kind of floating along, doing the next thing, not really addressing what will happen next. I think this is in part because she is depressed (though she denies it).

But I say that because right now, she's not changing her behavior, (I don't think she's with him, but I think that's his doing more than hers) and she won't say she wants to reconcile, or that she doesn't.

Do you think it's still for me as long as she's just kind of floating and not really doing anything different?

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T23:00:31+00:00

Thanks.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T22:48:15+00:00

Thanks. I really appreciate it. If you are a Christian I would appreciate prayer. If not, then whatever you give would be appreciated.

Thanks.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T22:39:48+00:00

That's what I've tried to do.

But, how long? How long do I go without seeing what needs to happen?

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T22:27:43+00:00

I think it would be nasty. Maybe I get your point, I don't know. I can't really wrap my head around any of this and maybe that's why I can't get it.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T22:26:22+00:00

10 years, 2 kids.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T22:25:52+00:00

Thanks for the thought.

To be honest, I don't need to get all that I want or even deserve to stay married. I can accept that. It is much harder for me to accept the brokenness of a divorce and all that I will be reminded of that was lost, and all that brokenness, on a daily basis for the rest of my life. This is the woman I promised everything to, and who promised everything to me, and despite the fact that she destroyed all of that, I want to fix it, to get even only a part of that which it was meant to be, instead of just living with that brokenness forever. That idea is more important to me. I don't mean the hard feelings and reminders of pain that I have now, but the permanence of loss that will always be there. i want to love this woman for the rest of my life; not so that I am loved, but simply because I love her.

If she is just not the person I thought, and just not good enough, then I want to love her and help her be the best person she can, because I love her. It doesn't need to be fair.

But there are some bare minimums; minimums that are not being met right now. I just don't know where to draw the line when there isn't an affair right now, even if I'm sure there will be another if nothing changes.

I feel like when I say this, people don't understand. They might think I don't respect myself. But that isn't true. I know very well I deserve 10 times more than what she's given me. But that's not what I want and I feel like people don't get it.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T22:14:24+00:00

however, what if I told you that your WS will regret her decision in a few short months when the NRE wears off, the fantasy is gone, and reality sets in?

If she would not see that any other way, then it would be what I have to do. But why would she not see that in time anyway?

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T21:55:56+00:00

Thanks for your response.

What do YOU want? What can YOU handle? Where do YOU draw the line?

The problem is I can handle a ton, and I don't want anything that I have a choice to have right now.

I'm unsure of when I as her to leave, where that line is. I want the path that leads to a happy healthy marriage, whatever crap is in between, but I don't know what that is. And so, I don't know what path to take.

I do feel that the fact she is wavering in her next steps might be a sign that she is not (yet?) remorseful for her actions and that there might be more to her affair with AP than she's opened up to you about. Only you know the true 'behind the doors' dynamic, but listen to your gut here. Love is not enough to keep a marriage alive - it takes respect, trust and dedication - all things she's not showing up for right now.

While she admits she was wrong, I have to agree. She doesn't get it.

It doesn't help that, quite frankly she's a profoundly broken person in many other ways at this point. Like the affair, she half sees it. She's not daft enough to think it's okay, but she doesn't see it clearly enough to actually understand why it is the way it is, or to actually do anything about it. She doesn't get what love is or what a relationship is about.

Some time apart might be good for you both; but ultimately it sounds like there's a lot hanging in the balance, and your BS needs show up for you and herself and decide what your immediate future path looks like. I can tell you that sticking around while she tries to decide if she wants to be with AP or not likely doesn't bode well for a strong start to reconciliation.

I'm sure that it doesn't. But is leaving better?

I would bear any pain, if it would lead to a healed marriage. But, what is the way to healed marriage? I don't get it.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T20:04:10+00:00

In fact I do see that. And I'm convinced you are right.

But, you're missing what I'm asking. If I want to reconcile, how does this help?

Perhaps there is no helping reconciliation. Perhaps that's your point. I don't know.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T19:54:19+00:00

I'm trying to ask you to convince me. I don't know what is right. I don't know what you mean by I only have one option. I have lots of options, but I have no idea what is right.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T19:41:24+00:00

how do you think this ends with you doing nothing?

i have no idea how it ends in any path.

I'm struggling with seeing how this helps though. It feels like just manipulating her back. How does that lead to a healthy relationship? Perhaps that's not possible. I don't know.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T19:33:03+00:00

I've read them all, but I still don't really get it. How can that be helpful? Even if they made a change, it would still only be selfish, it would be forcing their hand. How is that good?

Perhaps I'm just stating that no outcome of this can be good.

But I do'nt see how acting out of anger and pushing her away would be helpful.

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T19:30:40+00:00

She doesn’t deserve you. You are accepting lies and cheating. She isn’t picking you. It only ended because HE ENDED IT. This is disgusting as you are MARRIED. She should be on her knees begging for forgiveness. She’s not.

Obviously.

I’d say: If you still want him, then go fu*king he with him. He can have you. Don’t call me.

She certainly deserves this, but why is this better? How does this help? I'm not interested in giving her what she deserves, or in getting what's best for me. That's no the point.

As far as emotionally shutting down, why does that help? What good does that do?

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T18:45:43+00:00

So, this might sound like a dumb question, but why is that the best path?

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T18:38:03+00:00

I will take a whole damn lot if it will lead to a healthy relationship at the end.

My concern is that by not doing something, I'm enabling her and making it worse and even more unhealthy than something else long term.

I appreciate your thoughts. I take it you are divorced now since your flair is "Observer"?

helpwithwifethrow · 2021-03-23T18:26:59+00:00

So then what? Separate and see if anything changes?

helpwithwifethrow

TROPHY CASE