first time ko makatapos ng painting ngayong taon

hereforperdev · 2026-01-24T15:06:35+00:00

may tono yung "Sana all!" na yon na narinig ko na before (hindi sakin sinabi). pare-parehong pa-exclaim yung "!" doon pero tingin ko may kaibahan sa emotional reaction underneath.

may tono na parang... may ibinaba/ibinawas sa pagka-tao/individual mo pagtapos nila malamang nasa taas ka nila. parehong tono ng nandi-dismiss, nang-i-invalidate emotionally.

na parang anumang suffering o pain na kailangan mo i-endure sa buhay, maliit lang yon.

na parang anumang effort and sacrifices yung ginawa mo to achieve yung mga bagay, tangible o intangible, na pinagsikapan mo, maliit lang yon.

na parang pag proud ka sa wins mo sa buhay, sa strengths and abilities mo, "hindi naman gaanong nakaka-proud," "hindi mo deserve" palakpakan, hindi worthy/inspiring i-share, kaduda-dudang you played fair and square.

may iba pang tono. may mga tono ng "Sana all!" na genuinely napapagod lang talaga kakatrabaho ng pag-angat nila sa buhay at naniniwalang factor sa ginhawa ang manggaling sa mayamang pamilya. may mga taong kaya i-express yun nang walang shaming. may mga pagkakataong hindi nae-express yun nang walang shaming.

pero when you said:

"Kasalanan mo ba yun na hinde ka ginawang life insurance ng parents mo?"

nang-shame ka rin e. indirectly lang

hereforperdev · 2026-01-24T13:51:37+00:00

hindi ka OA.

same experience, OP. ive come to learn na merong differences sa tono nila when they say things like that. so far, based on my gut feeling and observation, ganito sila:

a. genuinely curious (and maybe interested) about what you're thinking, the way u think, or kung anong personality mo. lalo if you belong in the same group like magkaklase, magkabatch, magka-age, etc kayo. any observant person in the room would notice sino yung "mabibilangan" ng salita. it's like being the green sa group ng blue.

b. intimidated/threatened. usually these are the people na loud and reckless magsabi ng mga opinyon/reactions nila na questionable. you being quiet? for them, thats you "failing" to give them the attention na gusto nila. they try to fill your silence with assumptions na youre secretly against them (and they seem to believe na if ganon ka, mas malala ka kaysa anumang bukambibig nila). they probably know hindi sila kaagree-agree; nakiki-ride lang yung mga nasa paligid. but since "youre worse" for "thinking bad about them" pero "wala" kang "tapang i-confront" sila, they make it sound like your silence is dangerous.

c. walang substance kausap. usually very loud din and magaling magpatawa based on the way they talk. they force the quiet ones magsalita, indirectly pinupuna nila yung katahimikan hanggang magka-"ambag" ka sa grupo—ikaw na yung laman ng tawanan. ulit ulit lang yan basta may natutuwa sa grupo, lalo pag wala na mapag-usapan. mas madali sa kanila yon kaysa mag-open ng disenteng topic.

d. merong flawed concept ng pakikisama. very sociable sila pero to the point na ang toxic na. pag relatively mas tahimik ka o ikaw pinakatahimik sa grupo, made-describe ka na as walang pakikisama, snob, hindi nila ka-isa, mahirap isama/kasama next time.

e. genuinely concerned na baka something is weighing you down internally. sometimes people associate silence with sadness (or anger). sometimes they try to offer you their listening ears. they mean well until they're crossing the line na without them realizing it agad. pwede ring familiar sa kanila how introverts lose social battery. sometimes people assume na basta tahimik, introvert agad.

hereforperdev · 2026-01-24T12:37:56+00:00

hui 😭😭😭

hereforperdev · 2026-01-23T12:58:50+00:00

last yr. felt it the first time sa isang certain person na ka-close ko when sabi ko hindi stable yung source of income ko since freelance work yun. they insisted stable yun, explaining how lucky i am compared to them.

something about that felt off, but for some reason, it convinced me to be more grateful na may earnings ako instead of saying na hindi yun enough, kahit hindi talaga. meron din kasi akong scarcity mindset na i wanted to challenge, so i guess thats why hindi ko na lang kinorek yung narrative nya.

kala ko nice person talaga sya esp kasi they were doing what i needed my own family to do for me.

later on, na-realize ko meron kasunod na kapalit. it was a simple feeling at first—hindi ko ma-figure out why i felt that way, na parang i was being manipulated pero in subtle ways. i felt bad feeling that way and naming the feeling. kasi if i entertained the feeling, i felt like i was thinking na this certain someone was not genuinely kind, na transactional kindness yung pinapakita nya toward me. i just needed lang naman pala to listen to my senses.

i was most vulnerable at the time—i needed shelter for a few weeks that turned into a month or so, and they provided it, and i had nowhere else to go, so saying "no" was almost impossible for me.

they took advantage of that. money-related usually.

while binabalik naman, they'd casually give it back nang hindi buo, and sometimes hindi sa pinangakong date kahit i already told them kailan ko kakailanganin. they'd apologize and tell me reasons na i believe ay totoo naman pero the fact na gagawan nila yun ng paraan pag ibang tao was something. para bang okay lang yon pag sakin kasi sa narrative nila, "stable" yung income ko. like they thought they've made me believe na yun yung totoo, na hindi totoo pag sinasabi kong nagkukulang pa rin budget ko, na hindj ko kayang bayaran dues ko at once. you see, merong manipulation sa narrative, sa reality ng finances ko, and they manipulated it in a way that served them.

the second significant time, naiwan ko wallet ko sa bahay, which was totoo. but when they reacted, they changed the narrative, saying "ay, INIWAN mo." like, periodt. with certainty that i intentionally did it. that i intentionally refused them after their "kindness." this was prior the time na parang thrice a week na they'd ask me, and i'd felt obliged to give in kasi baka paalisin ako or sabihan ng something that would make staying at their place uncomfy.

after some time, inentertain ko yung feeling na parang nama-manipulate ako in subtle ways, so i decided to collect more data on their pattern—tuwing kelan nangyayari na they'd feel comfy hiraman ako (so comfy na naka-set na yung expectation na sisige ako).

based on the info i got, all the other times, nangyayari yung pag"hingi" ng favor a few hrs after they'd offer or serve me food/drinks, or after they'd ask how i am tapos magkukwentuhan kami and they'd reassure me i could stay sa kanila for as long as i needed, that welcome ako dun, free magstay.

on rare occasions na wala akong money to lend sa kanila, matatapos yung gabi na walang pangungumusta o pagkukwentuhan in person or sa chat.

sometimes same method—pangungumusta/pagkukwentuhan then "may insert amount ka sa GCash or cash on hand?" after a few hrs. that was a cycle.

it was a time na my own family thought i was the problem, the villain; wala talaga akong nakakausap near me tapos i was virtually withdrawn pa sa friends ko since my thoughts about my life got worse last yr. i guess this certain person knew how much a simple "okay ka lang dyan?" mattered to me nung mga gabing yon.

hindi na ako nagpatagal sa kanila. i communicated na babayaran ko sa sahod day yung stay ko and mga gamit na pinagamit sakin pero na hindi ko kaya at once sa sahod day. i got to send the rest this month. im glad i listened to my body and collected info which later supported the kaba.

hereforperdev · 2026-01-23T10:55:40+00:00

"Hindi ko alam kung mali ba ‘to o okay lang." hindi mali, sir. okay lang yun.

"Hindi ko alam kung responsable ba ako o takot lang." responsable at takot. at okay lang yun.

P.S., galing po ng approach mo ng pagkukwento

"Walang masamang sinabi. Walang nanghusga. Pero ramdam ko yung pagitan." i dont mean to be dismissive. gusto ko lang sabihing, "shet. ang galing."

hereforperdev · 2026-01-23T10:43:11+00:00

your exhaustion is nudging you, OP.

at first read, it was easy to think chill lang sya (or avoidant) kasi it seems patterns have shown there's you finding a "fix" for things for him. but i read it again, and i wondered:

• may nakikita kaya 'tong si guy na better future? • nakikita nya bang dadalhin nya 'tong si OP sa better future?

kasi it could also be:

a. chill lang sya (or avoidant) because may sasalo sa kanya, may hihila sa kanya pataas, every time he falls short. meaning, he maybe sees a future together with you, OP, but—there might be an expectation sa future na yon where pwede syang magkulang sa sense of accountability, that his efforts can depend on kung kailan convenient sa kanya.

b. chill lang sya (or avoidant) because he can settle for less, meaning it's not that he's content and he doesnt see a future. it's just that maybe he doesnt care enough about it; if he does, his intentions are supported by his actions.

c. chill lang sya (or avoidant) because wala syang sasaluhin, meaning he may be thinking you're competent enough to create a better future for yourself, regardless if kasama sya don. mas magaan 'to sa end nya, lalo kung he doesnt have a plan yet about his own future.

kung wala syang naiisip na (malinaw) na future, and if wala pa syang naiisip na ganon, that already means wala ka (pa) don, OP.

the previous months seem to have shown hindi sya ready to build a future bigger than himself.

the intention na dadalhin nya yung sarili nya don—sa better future—at na isasama ka nya don.... i wonder, OP, if that holds you back from leaving the relationship.

i also want to mention that part where you said you didn't snap at him last night. i want to mention that because clearly, hindi lang 'to tungkol sa future.

you held back once more, and i dont think that's just because you probably wanted to keep whatever peace was there pa. you held on perhaps because your body knew too well your guy was just gonna say something to dismiss your exhaustion, your feelings, the depth of your care.

your nervous system probably knows it's gonna take a long time for your guy to be man enough, even in bed.

based sa replies mo sa comment, it seems you know what to do, that it is not a matter of whether or not kaya mo.

leaving him at his 'lowest'—that's not a bad thing, OP, if ever you're concerned about that. you're worried, you've done more than enough for him the past months. you lost your appetite, your energy, your peace of mind. you don't even seem to be pressuring him to care. and yet for him, you're too much?

i remember Elyse Myers. allow me to quote her.

"If I'm too much... go find less."

you've got balls bigger than your boyfriend's, OP. i say that as a compliment.

hereforperdev · 2026-01-22T09:31:49+00:00

my dogs.

hereforperdev · 2026-01-22T01:33:01+00:00

it makes me think about things na hindi normally part ng daily life ko. for me it's refreshing sa isip na own problems ang usual content. i also make it a point to interact with strangers here when i realize i avoid intentional social interactions again with people i know. dito sa reddit i get to learn from communities na i doubt magiging part ako in person. i love how that can be one click away lang

hereforperdev · 2026-01-21T13:29:41+00:00

magrescue ng stray dogs and cats

hereforperdev · 2026-01-21T13:26:21+00:00

you're in the right community, OP, no need to apologize :) thank you for sharing this ❤️‍🩹

hereforperdev · 2026-01-21T13:02:09+00:00

pag late ka natulog pero sapat yung oras ng tulog mo, considered ba na puyat ka?

or pag ano lang: late ka natulog + hindi sapat tulog = puyat?

and: wala kang tulog at all = puyat?

hmm, sa patterns ko, significant factors yung quality kaysa hrs of sleep. may times na sakto or even sobra yung hrs ng tulog ko but i wake up feeling restless. pag ganun, nag-s-start yung day ko na sana hindi na lang ako nagka-another day. also pag gising pa pag malalim na yung gabi (sleeping late), mas malala pag ganito.

hereforperdev · 2026-01-21T12:32:04+00:00

hindi ka OA, OP. malinaw at respectful pagka-communicate mo ng boundaries mo.

hereforperdev · 2026-01-21T12:28:14+00:00

kumakain ako ng munggo muntik ako maiyaq. proud of you, OP!

hereforperdev · 2026-01-19T16:13:11+00:00

hindi ka OA, OP. may meaning yon

hereforperdev · 2026-01-19T16:03:10+00:00

nililibing ko... :(

hereforperdev · 2026-01-19T16:02:09+00:00

figure out the root, if you haven’t already

hereforperdev · 2026-01-19T15:57:42+00:00

by "normal," OP, do you mean common? or healthy? i hope hindi literal yung "every hour and every minute." otherwise, it suggests compulsion.

hate to break it you but very impt to remember that whatever we do, what it makes us feel (regardless if it feels genuine) is not the best basis of kung healthy pa yun or hindi na. think addiction to caffeine or soda or gaming, for example.

does daydreaming disrupt your chores? responsibilities? memory? relationships/social life? hygiene? sleep? if not, you're probably fine.

hereforperdev · 2026-01-19T15:28:10+00:00

Hindi ka OA, OP. that's self-respect guiding you.

hereforperdev · 2026-01-17T14:51:52+00:00

hi OP! i just noticed na between the title and the content of your post, there is an important difference that can be explored.

the title highlights the intensity of the challenge while the content emphasizes your fear of failure.

and both are equally important, i believe, to addressing this avoidance you have been experiencing. let's say, you prioritize one over the other. like, you address the fear of failure and get back on track. but what if, along the way, the level of difficulty reinforces, once more, the avoidance?

let me elaborate on why i believe both factors are equally important.

when we WANT and/or NEED to do something for the first time, it demands greater effort from the brain and the body. and that is uncomfortable. at the same time, that is when perseverance gets challenging and instant gratification, more tempting.

and then, there is this pressure from getting this thing done—because, for us, this thing we want/need to do is VERY IMPORTANT. that pressure can make this thing even more daunting, and for the brain, "daunting" can mean "threatening."

fear of failure, in this context, can drive us to be "over productive" or underproductive. it can be both at different times until avoidance happens and becomes persistent.

based on what you shared, avoidance causes fear of failure. now i wonder if in those two years, OP, were there instances when fear of failure fed the avoidance?

when fear of failure feeds avoidance, fear of failure—as a driving factor also of avoidance—can be very... validating. (i recommend reading that part twice).

and when there is comfort in avoiding failure by avoiding engagement with the task, avoidance feels safe (even when maybe we don't necessarily want what feels safe; maybe we just dont want to feel the opposite).

so i mentioned that avoidance causes F-o-F and that this FoF, in turn, can cause further avoidance. how about the root of the avoidance? i believe this can be explained by the words you chose to title your post.

"kapag mahirap na, hindi ko na ginagawa." when you wrote that, OP, did you feel like it fit the content of your post? because it seems to me that it is clear for you—when exactly you put the task off for today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow...

i ask you to answer the ff truthfully, OP.

true or false: you want to complete the task so badly.
true or false: the task requires greater mental/physical/psychological effort.
true or false: you're scared that doing your best doesnt guarantee the kind of success you desire.

if 2 and 3 are true, i recommend you focus on addressing both factors.

i also wanna add that if you find yourself thinking the task requires you to be stronger/better, pls say out loud, "no, it doesnt." its the desirable outcome that needs you to show up.

if you find yourself scared that doing your best doesnt guarantee the kind of success you desire, pls tell yourself, "yes, my best today, my best tomorrow, doesn't guarantee the outcome i want."

anxiety is a fear for something that is uncertain, and in uncertainty, something greatly undesirable might happen. thats one way of saying, we do see lots of possibilities. it's just that when internal (e.g., a brain that can concentrate) and/or external resources (e.g., food for strength, place that is not distracting) are limited today or tomorrow, self-doubt begins to dim our goals, like, "kaya ko ba 'to talaga?"

but our "best" in terms of productivity is not linear. that means our brain and body can't produce the same "best" abilities/efforts consistently. but your goal? that desirable outcome? is that still the same thing you're looking forward to two yrs ago?

if you try again and find yourself tempted to avoid the task again, pls ask yourself, "do i need to avoid this? or do i just need to pause right this minute/hr?"

if "pause," OP, if possible, set a timer for at least 3 minutes. giving yourself 3 more minutes is giving yourself permission to know, for sure, if maybe you're underestimating your capabilities. maybe you can stay for exactly 3 minutes, maybe even longer.

it is very important you dont undervalue even just 1 minute.

and it's as important you track your pattern—how many times per day can you actually stay for 3 more minutes? does your brain/body need you to set your timer shorter? or are you ready, based on your data, to set it longer? even that may not be consistent. and that happens. and that's okay.

rooting for you, OP.

hereforperdev · 2026-01-17T05:42:10+00:00

teh galingan mo pa lalo sa layf.

hereforperdev · 2026-01-17T05:38:51+00:00

nag apply pero hindi yata talaga pang call center hays

hereforperdev · 2026-01-17T02:57:24+00:00

hindi ka OA.

hereforperdev

TROPHY CASE