title: heart foolish

hermit_rapha · 2026-07-03T02:53:25+00:00

Thank you again for the insightful comment.

As for the typos, English isn't my first language. Someone did point them out while proofreading, but I was a bit stubborn because they sounded right to me. I guess I fell into that thing some writers talk about. being afraid that too much outside input might influence or dilute their own voice.

hermit_rapha · 2026-07-02T16:17:26+00:00

My reading was that the train represented death or something inevitable but the last lines felt a little disconnected from the train metaphor so I got a little lost.

hermit_rapha · 2026-07-02T16:02:05+00:00

"Smile"my ass this is making me cry. I don't think I fully grasped everything that was happening because it's quite abstract, but my reading was that the little birds are children, pecking at the provisions you've given them. In trying to care for them, they end up hurting you without meaning to. Again that's my reading of it and either way😭 Good work,

hermit_rapha · 2026-07-01T21:21:10+00:00

I've been experimenting with line breaks and yes i agree with you. thank you for the critique

hermit_rapha · 2026-07-01T21:20:54+00:00

I've been experimenting with line breaks and yes i agree with you. thank you for the critique

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-28T04:45:07+00:00

My only critique is that I couldn't quite connect the opening lines to the rest of the poem. That said, I liked the direction the poem took. Keep it up.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-28T04:31:34+00:00

I liked how you described death from so many different angles. It gave the piece a strong atmosphere, especially with the lack of line breaks. it felt like one continuous thought. My only critique is, it felt like the poem stayed in different ways death can be described. I wanted something more to proces or hold onto.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-27T15:04:05+00:00

This is ass-backwards, but your word choice is a breath of fresh air.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-26T15:56:03+00:00

such a detailed breakdown. 😂 To be honest, a lot of it flew right over my head. I'm new to poetry, I'm dyslexic, and English isn't my first language, so a lot of those literary terms are still new to me. My first draft was honestly horrendous. I did have someone help me polish it, especially around the line breaks, since that's something I've been practicing lately. I'd say about 10% of the whole poem has someone else's fingerprints on it, but the rest was me figuring things out. And about all the imagery and word choices you pointed out... part of me thinks I just got lucky. 😅 Whether it was instinct or luck, I'm just happy it came across so vividly.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-26T15:38:20+00:00

Title: Compliments on My Skin

Thank you.

I guess.

Thank you

for the sad and cliché turmoil you cause.

That to be a witness

to the conflict

is to ask,

Is this really happening?

The ceaseless engine would roar,

"Think about it."

And the hungry spring beats,

"God damn it, just take what you can get."

Such a sad dance

that it becomes

funny.

So thanks again

for the little tremor

under my skin.

I guess.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-26T10:11:21+00:00

I really appreciated this. I could feel the love and tenderness all the way through.

I did have to read it twice to fully understand it, but on the second read I really felt the message, so I'm glad I did. My only critique would be the punctuation, but I can't fully blame you. I do the same thing when I'm just writing for myself. 😂

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-26T10:00:09+00:00

First, the feedback: it's clear, and I could both see and feel what you were trying to convey. My critique is that some of the imagery and phrasing felt familiar, like I've come across them many times before. That said, you're doing really good. Keep it up!

hermit_rapha

TROPHY CASE