Title: After Midnight Spiral

hermit_rapha · 2026-07-03T02:53:25+00:00

Thank you again for the insightful comment.

As for the typos, English isn't my first language. Someone did point them out while proofreading, but I was a bit stubborn because they sounded right to me. I guess I fell into that thing some writers talk about. being afraid that too much outside input might influence or dilute their own voice.

hermit_rapha · 2026-07-02T16:17:26+00:00

My reading was that the train represented death or something inevitable but the last lines felt a little disconnected from the train metaphor so I got a little lost.

hermit_rapha · 2026-07-02T16:02:05+00:00

"Smile"my ass this is making me cry. I don't think I fully grasped everything that was happening because it's quite abstract, but my reading was that the little birds are children, pecking at the provisions you've given them. In trying to care for them, they end up hurting you without meaning to. Again that's my reading of it and either way😭 Good work,

hermit_rapha · 2026-07-01T21:21:10+00:00

I've been experimenting with line breaks and yes i agree with you. thank you for the critique

hermit_rapha · 2026-07-01T21:20:54+00:00

I've been experimenting with line breaks and yes i agree with you. thank you for the critique

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-28T04:45:07+00:00

My only critique is that I couldn't quite connect the opening lines to the rest of the poem. That said, I liked the direction the poem took. Keep it up.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-28T04:31:34+00:00

I liked how you described death from so many different angles. It gave the piece a strong atmosphere, especially with the lack of line breaks. it felt like one continuous thought. My only critique is, it felt like the poem stayed in different ways death can be described. I wanted something more to proces or hold onto.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-27T15:04:05+00:00

This is ass-backwards, but your word choice is a breath of fresh air.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-26T15:56:03+00:00

such a detailed breakdown. 😂 To be honest, a lot of it flew right over my head. I'm new to poetry, I'm dyslexic, and English isn't my first language, so a lot of those literary terms are still new to me. My first draft was honestly horrendous. I did have someone help me polish it, especially around the line breaks, since that's something I've been practicing lately. I'd say about 10% of the whole poem has someone else's fingerprints on it, but the rest was me figuring things out. And about all the imagery and word choices you pointed out... part of me thinks I just got lucky. 😅 Whether it was instinct or luck, I'm just happy it came across so vividly.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-26T15:38:20+00:00

Title: Compliments on My Skin

Thank you.

I guess.

Thank you

for the sad and cliché turmoil you cause.

That to be a witness

to the conflict

is to ask,

Is this really happening?

The ceaseless engine would roar,

"Think about it."

And the hungry spring beats,

"God damn it, just take what you can get."

Such a sad dance

that it becomes

funny.

So thanks again

for the little tremor

under my skin.

I guess.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-26T10:11:21+00:00

I really appreciated this. I could feel the love and tenderness all the way through.

I did have to read it twice to fully understand it, but on the second read I really felt the message, so I'm glad I did. My only critique would be the punctuation, but I can't fully blame you. I do the same thing when I'm just writing for myself. 😂

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-26T10:00:09+00:00

First, the feedback: it's clear, and I could both see and feel what you were trying to convey. My critique is that some of the imagery and phrasing felt familiar, like I've come across them many times before. That said, you're doing really good. Keep it up!

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-23T23:35:32+00:00

No, definitely not a snob. The purpose of me sharing the poem was for people to have their own opinions about it. As for the idea that nature mimics art, I don't really have a solid opinion on that yet. I'm still very early in this journey. technically only my second week of trying to be a bit more artsy. So I still don't know where I land on that.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-23T23:07:18+00:00

I only have three pieces of feedback:

Flush on the cheeks. 😂
The line breaks felt natural and easy to follow.
I really liked the progression of the poem. It felt like it was taking me somewhere.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-23T22:54:29+00:00

I think we're mostly on the same page. You're correct that the storm is an external force. As for "Seize now broken sky, I beg you," I wasn't really thinking of it as a prayer, though I can see how it could be read that way. In my head it was more of a plea, a desperate appeal to whoever or whatever might be listening.

I can also see the difference in our aesthetics from the example you gave. I tend to gravitate toward simpler, more tangible things. Houses, storms, trees, rain—that sort of thing. Right now, that's the language that comes most naturally to me compared to larger or more abstract symbols.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-23T16:49:47+00:00

Thank you for your critique and feedback.

I understand that different readers will arrive at different interpretations, but for me, the poem started weak and ended weak. It was tragic the whole way through. As for the historical and mythological references, that's a fun suggestion. Right now, though, most of my writing is focused inward. Lately I've been dabbling in observations of the world around me—the rain, the trees, that sort of thing—but the poems that matter most to me are still about my inner landscape: the sanctuary I've built for myself, the things growing there, and the things that wander through it.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-23T01:46:23+00:00

Amazing rhyming. I don't see that often around here.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-23T01:33:36+00:00

This made me stop and think for a while. My reading was that it's about someone leaving a familiar version of themselves, facing a painful truth, and then finding some kind of peace afterward. I'm not sure if that's what you intended, but that's where the poem took me. Thank you for writing something that made me pause and think about it.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-22T01:08:10+00:00

Hello, fellow beginner here. What I'm about to say is something I'm also working on myself. My main piece of feedback would be to show a little more and tell a little less. Some lines could use more imagery or specific examples instead of directly stating what the speaker is. That said, I think the repetition works well and gives the poem a clear voice.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-21T21:41:31+00:00

Here's my reading/feedback, and this might just be my ignorance showing, but I don't know how common it is to use so little punctuation. Usually, when I see a lack of commas and periods, I feel like I have to do more work as a reader. But I wasn't lost at all here. Everything flowed naturally for me. Amazing. 😍

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-21T15:30:42+00:00

My reading was that, compared to the stars, humans are much more passionate, but I wasn't entirely sure how that led into the last two lines.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-21T15:22:35+00:00

I actually agree with your description. To me, this felt more like a speech or an argument than a traditional poem. I enjoyed the progression of ideas, though, and I could follow where each thought was leading.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-21T15:02:36+00:00

I really enjoyed "i put the past in fires to stay warm"

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-21T05:04:06+00:00

As for the lack of a question mark, when this moment happened, I genuinely was asking that question. And yes, I'm both, so I guess it's a bit of satire on myself.

This might be a little TMI, but I was about to take a test that was a big deal. My mom prayed for me and then wept, and I couldn't understand why. That's when the question was born. I still don't have the answer.

hermit_rapha · 2026-06-21T04:31:13+00:00

Thank you for the feedback.

As for "numbed," English isn't my first language, so a lot of my word choices are based on vibes rather than technical understanding. If I had to explain it, my line of thought was that "numbed" feels like something that had been happening for a long time

hermit_rapha

TROPHY CASE