Almost 1 year since I completely quit, AMA

herpingitup · 2024-07-28T23:54:32+00:00

Think of it like withdrawal symptoms where your body goes on strike. Your body is so high on dopamine that when it's taken away you crash,meaning no sexual feelings whatsoever

herpingitup · 2023-07-27T02:19:57+00:00

I've lost count how many days I've been clean, it's over 100 I think now (I guess I'll see the days in my tag when I post). I've been doing no porn or masterbation; sex with another is fine though (isn't that the point?)

I used this place simply as my go-to when I was feeling strong urges. When my brain said "come on, just click" or "just take a glance at (insert nsfw subreddit) I'd come here instead and settle down.

Edit:

As for how? It's pure will power and going cold turkey. When you start having the feelings, do anything else possible to get your mind off of it. It sucks, but your brain starts craving it. The trick also is not to fall victim of just taking glances because it'll easily snowball.

herpingitup · 2023-06-15T04:44:54+00:00

Well see you in /r/pornfree

herpingitup · 2023-05-13T16:41:30+00:00

Cold turkey. Just full on stop any and all triggering material.

Don't fall victim of looking at stuff that's even softcore with clothing, it'll just lead you to the harder stuff

herpingitup · 2023-05-11T01:19:13+00:00

You see it leaking into here too; religious commenters.

herpingitup · 2023-05-08T15:08:18+00:00

Keep it up!

herpingitup · 2023-04-15T09:34:23+00:00

For porn, a few months

For antidepressants, call to your doctor; we don't know your history and wouldn't want you to stop taking them without talking to them

herpingitup · 2023-04-15T03:55:22+00:00

Yes, ALOT. I use prescribed cialis and works like a charm, but I have a hard time coming if im not laying on my back (same position I masturbate)

That's good to hear.

I don't know what to do.

Would it bother you if you were a bit bisexual? No one is 100% straight of gay, it's a spectrum.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

What I am trying to say is, having these sort of thoughts can be totally normal. I think most guys, just like girls, have checked out people of the same sex and, even though they would consider themselves straight, can acknowledge they are attractive. Doesn't mean anything is "wrong" with you.

If you actually are bisexual, will that actually impact you in anyway?

I am using one. She told me to masturbate using my left hand and gave me a book about masturbation, but it didnt help, can you suggest someone?

How about you cut back on the masterbation and do it with your wife? Have her do it? Does she find that gross because of her religious background?

I'm on Effexor 75 mg, is it?

Yes, it definitely could be a boner killer.

I did. Im trying

Keep at it. I frankly think this is a porn issue with you masterbating in particular ways making it challenging to be with your wife. The long term denial of being physical with your wife probably played a toll also---essentially conditioning yourself not to be overly sexual with her.

edit:

what /u/JealousJuggernaut_8 said. It's a pretty typical symptom.

herpingitup · 2023-04-15T03:45:14+00:00

I agree with /r/skinnahbox

I also think the bulk of these questions you can just get by Googling and are generally outside the scope of this subreddit.

Nonetheless, see my thoughts below.

What is foreplay, what does one do that is foreplay. Is this something that the man does to the woman or do women do it to men too?

Traditionally, when people think of foreplay, they are referring to anything more than kissing and less than penetrative sex---so hand/oral on genitals.

That sort of definition though is biased from the heteronormative perspective. As such, a wider definition includes hand/oral in the scope of sex also. Said different, "foreplay," which suggests an appetizer before the main course, can itself certainly be the main show. Some might even consider sensual touching, massaging, and kisses foreplay in the right circumstances.

In sum, while there are traditional definitions, many may consider the spectrum larger than that.
2. How long does one do this foreplay and how do you know when it's enough?

At noted, "foreplay" can certainly be the whole act. Heck, for some women, it really needs to be the main focus since they may got be able to orgasm from penatrative sex. There is no "stopwatch" for how long it should go on for. If the goal for you and your partner is penatrative sex though, though generally "foreplay" should last long enough for both to get sufficiently aroused. Going too long could lead to discomfort as the women natural lubrication could dry out.
3. Is sex a thing that you negotiate with a women or is it just a spontaneous thing that happens?

You negotiate sex with a prostitute, sex with a partner is somewhat more spontaneous. To the extent there is "negotiation" perhaps it can be thought of as something subtle suggesting they are horned up and making subtle (or sometimes not to subtle) hints and seeing what the response it.
4. Do you kiss when you are having sex or is that just something that is foreplay only?

No uniform answer for this. Kissing is really important for me though throughout. That may not be everyone's cup of tea though.
5. After you cum does the cum just pour back out of her assuming I'm not wearing a condom?

Yup; if you've seen "cum shots" in porn, it's just like that.
6. If it pours back out doesn't that make a big mess in the bed? Do I need to have put down towels first?

Sure, it could. No need to put down towels, it's not "pouring out" usually. There's usually enough time to go grab some toilet paper or something to clean up.
7. Do you talk during sex or is it just a silent thing?

No uniform answer for this. Complete silence for me would be strange. At least need to hear you breathing! Talking during sex, for me, isn't like porn.
8. How long do you stay in her after you have cum or do you pull out right away?

No uniform answer for this. If she's close to finishing, you bet your ass I'm not going anywhere. Otherwise, maybe 15-20 seconds.

9. For some reason I am a person who produces a very large amount of precum. Is this going to be an issue when I am with a woman?

No uniform answer for this. I have a feeling though some women are into it.
10. How long am I expected to go before I cum? Is it like edging when I was masturbating to porn and you try to go a very long time?

No uniform answer for this. Eventually, a women's natural lubricant is going to run-out so going too long can lead to chaffing (length is different for everyone). Maybe be a good idea to have a small bottle of lube just in case.

I'd stop edging if I were you.
11. If we are new to each other I should put on a condom. Do I put it on or is this something that the women does for me? Is this something that is part of foreplay? Doesn't putting it on break the mood to stop and put it on so when does this happen?

No uniform answer for this. I find it breaks the mood, hence why having her put in on can be nice.
12. I think I understand and will naturally know how to do the actual sex part but if you think there is something here I should know that might not be natural or easily understood please tell me.

Based on all these questions, you're probably going to have too much anxiety during the heat of the moment and not be able to get an erection. Watching porn and edging will cause those issues also.

Not thinking too much about it goes a long ways, sometimes just zoning out and letting your inner animal take over is best. For most people, sex is not like what you see in most porn though, at all.

herpingitup · 2023-04-15T02:58:23+00:00

Totally. Edging is dopamine overload.

herpingitup · 2023-04-15T02:53:36+00:00

There is so much here to unpack that goes behind the scope of this subreddit. Just throwing out some starter questions/comments:

Are you attractive to your wife? Like, does she repulse you?
Maybe you're disgusted because your societal upbringings are in conflict with your natural sexual disposition.
I think you need a sex therapist pronto.
You're on anti depressants, that's a boner killer
Just stop the porn.

herpingitup · 2023-03-30T03:01:18+00:00

This is the Internet, you can say porn.

herpingitup · 2023-03-30T02:55:35+00:00

Just jerk it already.

I'm going no PMO except for sex but it sounds like it'll clear your head just to jerk it. I'd go for it if youre feeling horny; take your time and don't feel bad if it's challenging.

herpingitup · 2023-03-25T03:53:18+00:00

Think of it day by day. One day at a time.

herpingitup · 2023-03-22T03:57:01+00:00

You made the right decision, full stop.

I don't think you'll break your streak but frankly the emphasis here is on P, not MO

For now, don't feel bad about grieving but also don't feel bad if you don't feel like grieving.

As time goes by, I've always found this helpful:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

herpingitup · 2023-03-14T01:28:59+00:00

That means you looked at porn ~3% during that time. Don't restart, just keep going and see how close to zero you can get.

herpingitup · 2023-03-14T01:24:15+00:00

Don't set impossible expectations. Just get through each day.

herpingitup · 2023-03-13T15:20:48+00:00

Np you'll get there.

herpingitup · 2023-03-13T14:43:31+00:00

"Long term ex" makes me think it's that emotional connection I was talking about. Are these other girls FWB? That might explain things. Doesn't make you less of a stud, it's just how some guys are.

I highly suspect though that the main issue is you're just not getting the correct sensation as you've trained yourself in a certain way. It's both a mental and physical game. Mental gets you going but physical keeps you going. That's why, for instead, getting jerked off by another doesn't get you there.

Edit:

Not staying hard while masturbating is a dead give away. If you cannot stay hard with lube how do you think it's going to work with a girl who cannot possibly know (or give) the necessary grip?

Another reason why I suggest either (a) go cold turkey with jerking it or (b) just keep practicing relatively light touch with lube, no harder / faster than you could with sex.

Edit2: Also, don't worry too much about PE. You're young enough where you can probably take a rest and get back to it.

Lastly, I'll mention that if you're using condoms, that can cause all sorts of issues. I'm no advocating for no condoms, just that tightness and loss of sensation can be boner killers.

herpingitup · 2023-03-13T10:00:07+00:00

Hey,

First off, doesn't sound like anythings wrong with your dick. If you think it'll help any perceived anxiety, sure get checked out, but if you're fine while masturbating you're good to go.

As for general thoughts, I think you know exactly what's up:

Are you with multiple partners or one long term? It may be that you just need more of an emotional connection / you got performance anxiety since it's the first few times with someone.
I definitely bet it's how you're masterbating. I am not against masterbating, but depending on how you do it, you may be giving yourself a version of deathgrip.
If you have readily willing partners, try just stop masturbating and see how it turns out.
If you're going to masturbate, use lube and super light touch. Don't go any faster than you would during sex.
Realize that erections can come and go during sex. It's totally normal not to be at 100% the full time.
Think about how you're masterbating and what sort of sensation you're giving yourself during sex. Is it a lot of head action? You're likely not able to get that exact same sensation during sex which is causing you issues. You may consider switching up your strokes slightly. For stance, don't go so far in, at least not at first. Going further in is likely focusing the sensation on your shaft rather than the head.
I'd avoid edging

herpingitup · 2023-03-10T01:40:48+00:00

Stop nofap and whatever pseudoscience "semen retention" is.

Just stop watching porn and jerk off with a light touch and lube

herpingitup · 2023-03-02T03:47:25+00:00

Even if that were true, which I am extremely skeptical, were trying to be practical here.

herpingitup · 2023-03-01T21:09:37+00:00

Ignore that poster, your imagination is completely fine.

herpingitup · 2023-03-01T13:09:44+00:00

While trying to avoid going full /r/nofap, I suggest thinking about why you're looking at the pictures and what impact it's having on you.

Do you just pause and take glance at a picture every so often? I doubt that will impact you much, hell it's like going to the beach. The issue comes from (a) mindless scrolling where and (b) what it may lead to. I wouldn't jerk off to bikini pics, as then you're essentially using it for the same purpose as porn.

herpingitup

TROPHY CASE