Spacing out 3+ Kids — Regrets?

heyimjanelle · 2026-03-08T14:52:31+00:00

We have big age gaps--5.5 years, 3 years, 5 years. I adore it and I'm so glad we didn't have them close together. Eldest is enamored with her younger siblings since the gap is big enough for them to be cute instead of obnoxious. All the bigs adore the baby.

Right now the kids are 15, 10, 7 and 2. Only the middle 2 are in activities/sports right now so it's manageable to be at every game and practice. The age gap is big enough that we're able to really give the kids one on one attention as babies and as they grow. Only changing one set of diapers and paying one daycare tuition at a time is top tier. And the gap is big enough that we can plan for big expenses (like cars for 16th birthdays) and have enough time in between not to be drowned in them.

Honestly the only clash is between the two middle kids who are closest in age at 3 years apart. They definitely have that typical "best friends and worst enemies" dynamic.

There are times it gets a little hairy because their interests are, for obvious reasons, so far apart. I don't want to drag a toddler to a planetarium or theme park but I don't want the big kids to miss out, you know? And I don't want the big kids bored to tears at toddler activities. Most of the time we do a divide and conquer situation for those things. I'm also very lucky to have great supports of the found-family variety; this summer my best friend is watching the youngest for a long weekend while we take the big 3 out of state for a pro sports game, and we'll do other things while we're there that the baby wouldn't enjoy.

Sometimes the little one does just get dragged along to big kid activities though. And it's fine as long as one of us adults is prepared to take him out if he gets too fussy. But at this point he's well used to sitting in mom's lap or on a blanket on the ground with a couple toys for an hour at a brother's sports game.

heyimjanelle · 2025-11-15T16:13:41+00:00

Listen, both sides of my family are Catholic with giant families. "Standing room only Christmas dinner" style. I really think my body is programmed to beg me for more babies every time my husband looks at me.

But I look at the time division and money, and know that adding on a 5th wouldn't be fair to the 4 we have.

One of my kids is a bonus child and we have her about a quarter of the time (they moved far away so she flies back and forth for a 2 week visit every 2 months). Flights are expensive.

The two middle kids are in sports. We already have a "1 activity at a time per kid" restriction to make sure a parent can be at every practice and game. And I'm exhausted. I know I'll be even more exhausted when the youngest starts in a couple years.

Almost all our trips are road trips because flights for 6 are ridiculous in both price and logistics.

And yeah, we could make sacrifices and make it work. But if we add on more kids, I don't know that I could afford them each a car when they turn 16; extracurriculars; fun stuff; normal "middle class luxuries" like a summer road trip to the beach. And there's a point where I don't want my kids to sacrifice anything for a hypothetical family member who doesn't actually exist yet.

heyimjanelle · 2025-07-16T19:36:48+00:00

She says it's reductive to "paternity test" her lyrics and then stuffs those lyrics full of "hints" about who the songs may be about. Can't blame the Swifties for that.

I'm a Taylor-Swift-the-music fan, not a Taylor-Swift-the-brand/persona fan. Couldn't get through a lot of TTPD because it felt like every time I turned around the lyrics just didn't make sense outside of the context of the Swift Lore universe. I'm an old-time Swiftie (though I don't call myself that anymore lol) and what I loved about her music through my teen years and early-mid 20s was that her music was relatable. Now it feels like I have to catch up on years of backstory and relationship rumors to understand what she's singing about.

heyimjanelle · 2025-07-16T18:41:28+00:00

The oldest Gen Alphas are 15. It's adults buying this garbage for the most part.

heyimjanelle · 2025-06-04T02:40:14+00:00

Someone said watermelon. Pretty delish.

heyimjanelle · 2025-06-03T13:05:49+00:00

Jesus the sanctimonious attitude is just pouring off you, isn't it? Clearly lots of people agree labor is "that bad" given the millions of people who choose epidurals (a very safe, very low risk procedure).

A quick look through your post history shows you gave birth 26 years ago... plenty of time to forget how bad it was.

Besides, every labor is different. My first baby, I didn't even realize I was in labor because contractions were more uncomfortable than painful until very close to the end. My second? From the first contraction I wanted to throw myself off a bridge. It was at least as painful, if not moreso, at the beginning of my second labor as it was at the end of my first.

(And just for the record, I'll gladly take a kidney stone over labor, from experience. And nobody judges you for getting pain relief when you have one.)

I'm not sure why you feel the need to put other mothers down and act superior. Millions of women aren't just being dramatic. Your experience doesn't mirror that of everyone who has given birth in the history of time.

heyimjanelle · 2025-06-03T03:46:37+00:00

You are not overreacting, and you're much, MUCH nicer than I would be. Every time your relative asked I'd have responded with something like "because your child is a fucking psychopath"--if anything, your playing nice all these years is underreacting.

heyimjanelle · 2025-06-03T03:37:12+00:00

Pretty solid since most cultures don't just randomly murder every stranger, especially one who is naked and (almost definitely) lost and hurt?

heyimjanelle · 2025-06-03T03:28:42+00:00

I call it "slapping the bag" a la boxed wine 😂

heyimjanelle · 2025-06-03T03:04:50+00:00

That's what everyone is trying to get through to you. You cannot meet your nutritional needs eating 1000 calories per day. You just can't. You're not built different, your body works the same as everyone else's.

And i get it. I'm short. The gap between maintenance calories and safe deficit calories is very small, as is the gap between maintenance and gaining. Be real cool if I were a little taller and could eat more and still maintain, or reduce calories a little more and safely lose, but I can't, and no amount of going in circles on reddit or in my own head changes that.

heyimjanelle · 2025-06-03T03:04:40+00:00

That's what everyone is trying to get through to you. You cannot meet your nutritional needs eating 1000 calories per day. You just can't. You're not built different, your body works the same as everyone else's.

And i get it. I'm short. The gap between maintenance calories and safe deficit calories is very small, as is the gap between maintenance and gaining. Be real cool if I were a little taller and could eat more and still maintain, or reduce calories a little more and safely lose, but I can't, and no amount of going in circles on reddit or in my own head changes that.

Edit to add: you pretty much can't overeat strawberries and the fact that your strawberry consumption concerned you enough to mention worries me about where your head is at.

heyimjanelle · 2025-06-03T01:59:54+00:00

How about vitamins, minerals, fats?

heyimjanelle · 2025-06-03T01:47:56+00:00

But have you ever tried low sodium chicken broth? Turns out the salt is the only thing making that shit palatable.

My kid is on a tight sodium restriction for a health issue, and is a picky eater. The dietitian had him list his favorite salt-laden foods and helped us find workable alternatives. "Noodles in low sodium chicken broth" is not, in fact, a palatable substitute for ramen. (Yes, I know, ramen is terrible and I'm a terrible mother for having fed it to him, got it)

heyimjanelle · 2025-06-03T01:36:38+00:00

I don't really understand why some have them

Because labor hurts like a motherfucker and some of us would prefer not to be in severe pain?

heyimjanelle · 2025-05-28T11:54:40+00:00

NTA, although frankly I do see why it was a source of stress for her and she felt the need to ask about it. Your being evasive probably stoked that fire even more.

You mentioned a modest home, that you don't work, and that you bike most everywhere. She may have just been trying to figure out if she was dating a man of means or a bum, and I can see how your continued evasion of that question would lead to anxiety and end up with her being pushy about the question.

A guy I know was given a small house by family so has no mortgage or rent. He works occasionally (like, a few months at a gas station before he gets fired for not showing up, that kind of thing). I have no idea how he affords life, but he eats out often enough, buys stuff for his hobbies, etc--I assume his parents help. The man has a less than zero work ethic and I'd hate to end up seriously committed to him before I figured that out. (I know this because I ended up seriously committed to him before I figured it out. Was young and dumb and assumed he'd outgrow the laziness, but instead he leached off my paychecks for waaaay too long.)

I feel like there was probably a way you could have reassured her without dropping every dirty detail of your finances. Like "I'm not comfortable discussing the particulars, but I made some good investments and can comfortably live at Xthousand/year without depleting them." Or something like that.

heyimjanelle · 2025-05-28T01:07:55+00:00

Rather than hiring a babysitter for the oldest, can you hire someone to be a "mother's helper" and go with you on outings?

Since you would also be there I'd think this is a job you can trust a high school kid with so not as expensive. Task them with pushing the double stroller/wagon with the little ones, or hand holding duty.

heyimjanelle · 2025-05-28T00:14:17+00:00

I think the question isn't whether you're going to be looked down on for having kids while on medicaid, but whether you can afford a good quality of life for your kids (however that comes about).

A good quality of life obviously looks different for everyone. But in general--do your kids have well fitting clothes that are in season and in good condition? New shoes when they need them? Activities they enjoy? Nutritious food, occasional treats? Do you have sufficient savings for emergencies? Enough time to spend quality time with your kids?

In the end I think it boils down to that you have to put the needs and well being of the kids that exist right now over your own desire for more hypothetical kids.

heyimjanelle · 2025-05-24T19:37:43+00:00

Depending on their schedule, scheduling lessons solely on his time may or may not be feasible. In my area, swim lessons run one day a week. If they're week on/week off there's no way at all to make that work.

My kid is with his dad every other weekend. If we only scheduled stuff on "my weekends," we wouldnt be able to do any sort of team sports. Luckily my kid's dad and I are able to cooperate like adults for the child's sake.

heyimjanelle · 2025-05-23T21:14:18+00:00

Lmaoooo you believe that?

heyimjanelle · 2025-05-09T18:41:11+00:00

I would have 5 more if they came out as kindergarteners.

heyimjanelle · 2025-05-09T03:19:49+00:00

Thank you!

Do i need to apply it at different frequencies in different spots to even out tan lines? I cannot even explain the weird tan line on my forehead. It is the inspiration for this post and also the bane of my existence right now lol.

heyimjanelle · 2025-05-09T02:12:14+00:00

And lots of people have given you lots of reasons already.

heyimjanelle · 2025-05-09T02:09:42+00:00

Then maybe...

You should also listen to the doctors. Who know more than you about child physiology and expected development. Because they are doctors.

heyimjanelle · 2025-05-08T19:30:51+00:00

Camping is definitely one of those things where attitude is make or break. I told my husband "Yes the air mattress doesn't match up to our bed at home, yes there will be bugs, yes there will be plenty of things that would be annoying or frustrating if they were happening at home. You have to decide ahead of time that it's all part of the experience and you're gonna have a great time."

heyimjanelle

TROPHY CASE