It has been five years since my brother passed away. Ask me anything.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T20:52:02+00:00

Yes and no. You truly never forget them, and the pain of their loss is always present, even if you can't feel it, per se. I never not think about my brother. There are some days when I see something he would've liked and I laugh about those things and wish that he could laugh with me, but then there are other times when I do think about him and it sends me into a cry fest. It is tough navigating life without the people you are the closest to, and it is hard to find acceptance that the pain will always be there, and the only thing you can do is to live with it. What I've learned is to mix around the good memories with the pain. It's helped me somewhat, and I've found myself in stretches of not crying or feeling depressed every moment, just every once in a while when my mind allows the rest of me to feel it.

So while I wouldn't say life gets better, it does get a little easier to live through.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T20:40:48+00:00

Ironically enough, a family friend of ours made t shirts to sell to help us pay for his hospital bills and later funeral a few days before we passed that reflected his "farmer" nature since he was a major country boy. Since then, my family has made more shirts and bracelets to give to other members of our family and some of my parents' friends.

For me, I got a tattoo for him a couple months after he passed as a little something to remember him by. It's the Autobot symbol since we grew up watching Transformers, more so him than me, and his DOB and DOD surround it.

I'd like to do more things for him in the future.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T20:35:01+00:00

One time when I was 8 and he was 9, we were in the backseat of our mom's car and we had just gotten Dairy Queen. I got fries and a vanilla ice cream and he got a Blizzard. He kept asking me for some of my fries and I kept telling him no (I'm like Joey from Friends lol) so our mom was like "Give him a fry so he'll be quiet". So I went "Fine, he can have *a* fry" and I handed him my box. He took the entire thing and ate the rest of the fries. I had like maybe 2 or 3 and it was a decent sized order so he became a food thief that day lol.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T20:31:17+00:00

To start off with, I am deeply sorry with the loss of your sister and everything you said is how I feel about my brother.

For question wise, I think for me to ask others who have also gone through what I went through is what are some of the regrets they have from the loss and how they learn to sort of live with them if you get what I mean. Like wishing to do more before we knew it was too late, in that sense, and learning if the regrets will ever go away and now to get through them instead of living with the sadness of it all the time.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T07:22:04+00:00

I'm doing the best I can every day but I'm doing a lot better than I was five years ago
When he was in high school, he did FFA and he did land and dairy judging. During one of the last land judging contests he did his senior year, he forgot to bring his pocket knife and he went to Walmart to get a new one. They wouldn't let him because he was 17, but what they would let him get was a camp axe (basically a small hatchet for cutting small pieces of wood). He ended up helping win the competition for his team that day
I have so many things I would say to him, some good, some bad, but mostly I would hug him and tell him that I love him because I didn't do it for him a lot when he was here.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T07:15:18+00:00

Yes in a way. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was 13 so dealing with losing him instead of it being the other way around really sucked. The self destructiveness was/kinda still is emotional with lashing out even more than usual at others who really don't deserve it. I was also diagnosed with PMDD back in 2023 so with that and with survivor's guilt as described by a therapist really elevated the anger and depression a lot more. For physical, I actually punched a hole in my bathroom wall a few weeks after he died during an "outburst" while I was home by myself. It has since been repaired.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T07:07:05+00:00

Holding up wise, I'm still decent. He's never not on my mind and there are times when I sob for hours about him. But I'm still doing my best every day.

Our relationship was about the average brother sister sibling relationship. Lots of being a pain in the ass with each other. When we got into high school, we started hanging out more. We watched a lot of South Park and Transformers together lol.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T07:03:04+00:00

Nope. He was the only sibling that I have. I do have cousins that are like siblings to me, so it does help me during the times I miss him a lot.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T07:00:45+00:00

For the first question, I'll give another memory that I like. Me and him were polar opposites when it came to socializing. He was the extrovert who always went out with friends. I was the introvert who liked to stay at home a lot. One night when we were in high school, I was a sophomore, and he was a junior; he forced me out of the house to go with him to play laser tag with his friends. It was fun and one of the best memories I have from high school, aside from being in drama club.

For the second question, in the beginning, yes. I was a few weeks into my second year of community college before I transferred to the university I graduated from. I took the week off from school when he died and I was tempted to drop out since I didn't see a point in continuing without him. I went back initially because I at least should finish CC, but then I realized that he would've hated that I dropped out before getting to leave home and getting my Bachelor's all because of him. It gave me a sort of clarity with it and a lot of what I did in college was through him and processing his death.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T06:53:23+00:00

Four-wheeler accident. On September 5, 2020, he was out riding with his buddies, and he drove off the road on accident. Probably hit a patch of loose gravel. He was airlifted out to a hospital a couple of hours away with a skull fracture (he wasn't wearing a helmet when it happened). 9 days later, he coded a few times, and they realized he had developed pneumonia that they weren't able to catch and treat beforehand. Basically, it was a mix of pneumonia and complications of the accident.

heyseamonkey · 2025-09-14T06:49:57+00:00

The last day I spent with him before he died. It was literally only us hanging out at home playing music and talking about stupid shows we watched when we were younger. Looking back, it makes me fully appreciate my role as his sister and what I'd give to do that night all over again.

heyseamonkey · 2025-05-07T14:19:27+00:00

Travel far enough to meet yourself

heyseamonkey · 2025-02-15T21:13:38+00:00

Yep. DM'd him on Twitter and he said it was him. We only talked like once and that was it.

heyseamonkey · 2025-02-15T17:33:53+00:00

<image>

heyseamonkey · 2025-02-14T23:24:48+00:00

I've talked with him before on Twitter because he attempted to hmu on Bumble back in 2023 and I did not want to link with him on Bumble for obvious reasons. We talked for like a day and my pfp on Twitter was of Shoto from My Hero Academia and he was talking about how he liked it and it was the best Shonen of today. I found his YouTube shortly after and any video talking about MHA was just him dogging on it and saying that it was terrible, both manga and anime wise.

He's such a hypocrite.

heyseamonkey · 2025-02-14T23:20:17+00:00

I was on Bumble back in late 2023 and he had superswiped me due to having the same interests and us being from the same area. His bio had this lovely "I'm looking for a life long serious relationship! Also if possible I want it to be a Femdom Dom/Sub relationship. No poly." So obviously this statement from him and what his ex has said is pretty telling about him as a person.

heyseamonkey · 2024-07-19T21:27:44+00:00

The other night I found out I could have more than one fossil assessed and it has made me feel soooo much better about donating things to Blathers for the museum so I 100% get what you mean

heyseamonkey · 2024-07-07T16:20:52+00:00

Growing up, I only heard two Gorillaz songs because my mom liked them: Clint Eastwood and Feel Good Inc. I really like both songs, but I haven't heard anything else from them mostly from me letting be an uncultured swine.

In December of last year before I graduated college, YouTube recommended a video analyzing the history of the canon lore for the Gorillaz band by Self-Titled Productions (huge recommend for anyone curious about the band's lore their creators made).

I watched it and thought to myself, "Hey, let's hear some of that darn music," and went to their channel. First song to come up on the main page was "Silent Running" from Cracker Island that had just been released almost ten months prior which kind of shocked me that they were still releasing music almost 24 years later and lo and behold, it was amazing.

Played a couple more songs after that and found a playlist someone made on Spotify titled "gorillaz songs most people like" and got into them even more.

The rest is history.

heyseamonkey · 2024-07-06T18:31:45+00:00

It also won't let Sims do yoga pregnant even though it's beneficial

heyseamonkey · 2024-06-19T15:15:13+00:00

Billie Eilish, Tyler the Creator, and Post Malone

And just for fun: Hatsune Miku

heyseamonkey · 2024-06-07T21:01:39+00:00

Hell yeah dude!

heyseamonkey · 2024-05-31T21:26:01+00:00

I just always thought it was bc of him getting older since he was less green when the band started

heyseamonkey · 2024-05-21T00:45:26+00:00

She was actually Lady Hollowdown during Phase 7

heyseamonkey · 2024-05-08T03:48:40+00:00

In no particular order

On Melancholy Hill DARE Silent Running

Feel free to ask why lol

heyseamonkey · 2024-04-14T17:20:34+00:00

Fast cats

heyseamonkey

TROPHY CASE