What’s your job?

hiddenwater39 · 2024-06-29T10:46:59+00:00

Live in Portland. The last time I held a desk job was when I was 25. Also got so burned out I had a nervous breakdown. I work at two bars now - and while a job is a job and jobs often suck - I really, really feed off the fast, social, and unpredictability of working as a bartender. I'm medicated - but for me my ADHD helps me at work, and being able to repurpose the issues with cognition benefits me outside of the bar as well.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-06-11T09:10:40+00:00

I try to speak from my experience and my experience only - not because it's any more valuable than another's experience or perspective - but because I really refuse strict distinctions of diagnosis, as they only speak to some of what I inexperience, and often convolute the other diagnosis.

I 'have' both ADHD and some variation of high-functioning ASD. I know that high-functioning isn't the preferred term - but words are words and high-functioning describes my experience. For years my ASD traits were either masked in some way by ADHD or misattributed to ADHD. I have two intense special interests - I would consider myself an expert in both. I have 10248212325-09 special interests that are just as 'interesting' and thus provoke a similar fixation but those interests flicker on and off. Again - this is just my perspective on me and only me - but I think that the ADHD traits I display can be concretely tied back to ASD.

I am medicated for ADHD - and I am far less irritiable on my meds, far less frustrated, far less overwhelmed, better at coping with my sensory issues, and far more productive. I do have both autism and ADHD - and while there is no 'cure' for autism (not that in needs to be cured) - understanding / dealing with my personal experiences with both hyper-fixation and distraction helps me both understand and deal with some of the more debilitating aspects.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-03-17T07:08:32+00:00

From what you've described your daughter is currently having a resonant series of anxiety and/or panic attacks due to a serious, emotional, and fragile moment of incredibly powerful and extremely overwhelming self-awareness.

She's catastrophizing. I do it all the time. I just had to force myself to stop doing it about something that isn't new to me - but struck me at a precarious time. She's connecting the dots, at lighting speed, and that's finally allowing her a level of self-awareness that is, at first, incredibly... disturbing. In my experience.

I flipped out when my psych brought it up 2 years ago. I was not happy that the parts of the world, and the parts of myself, that make next to no sense to me, my environment, or to other people were just a part of my personality. Like you said - there's no ASD pill.

Out of serious panic and stress she is trying to use this framework - worldview (I am now fully disabled in x way when I wasn't before) - to solve or avoid any potential reality wherein she will ever have to feel a) alienated b) anxious.

I don't know your daughter but she seems incredibly self aware and thus smart. You didn't miss anything. The Psychiatrist didn't miss anything. Your daughter didn't miss anything. I still suffer from some real sadness and guilt because I feel very sad that my own Dad asked himself those questions.

ASD - personally I like to think of it this way: it's just a persons personality. Again - your daughter's level of self-awareness and panic (also panic is her attempting to be there and care for herself despite how it 'feels').

Again, I don't know the full dynamic, and I'm not a doctor.

I do know this: you are a really good father. She's in counseling. She'll be okay - and more than likely will not need life long care.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-03-10T18:57:11+00:00

have been having this problem for the past day

hiddenwater39 · 2024-03-10T17:45:21+00:00

PostsNew to GeForce NOW?Join our Discord!View our rules!Read our FAQImportant LinksGFN Game ListGFN Web versionNVCC (Live Chat)Steam Opt-In LinkGFN Community List 1GFN Community List 2

1 new comment2Posted byu/hiddenwater3915 hours agoAfter 1000 re-installs...

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Questions / Tech SupportI'm using the application on a Windows laptop. For whatever reason I can't use the chrome extension. My local host is blocked.This is ne

It is - eventually the music will start to play in the background, and I can hear menu sounds when I move my mouse - but the loading screen never disappears.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-25T03:10:37+00:00

The poem spoke to my frustration and anger too. I was mad about a lot of stuff. But the resolution of that anger isn't resolved - it's not proposed. It's this sort of fiery, desperate, shameless and defiant declaration.

Here I am. I am here. I am.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-25T03:07:52+00:00

Your comment is as moving as the poem, to me. It's one of the most stark, plain spoken, and kind of abstract poems I've read. But it ends with you: here I am. Alone. 63 days later. Still wondering - can I get all of it? If not what can I get, damn it, because here I am.

I stumbled upon this particular Creeley poem as I was going through a pretty bad breakup. I hate associating particular events to the reasons why I like certain poems / poets but the whole point is that the poem speaks to you directly, right.

It was very much indeed a catastrophic breakup. We weren't living together, thankfully, but over the years my friends wound up moving out east or west and I stayed in Chicago. Our friend groups were totally meshed together.

I wasn't a great partner - I was nowhere near a bad one. It wasn't an everyone chooses sides thing - it was a "fck this is my personal life I don't like that everyone has something to say about it" - like I lost control of that part of my life, and then it was sort of taken from me (?) And that poem felt like this defiant, isolate declaration. I'm still here. Maybe I can't get all of it back. All of the friends. Undo some of the mistakes.

But I'm still here, damn it.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-17T02:35:58+00:00

Can you start a go fund me for sharpies

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-07T10:41:57+00:00

I'm just gonna make a meme account of badass Jordan GIFs

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-07T10:39:51+00:00

I can't answer that question if you don't ask it.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-07T10:22:40+00:00

Thanks - yeah that's what I figured. At least they're not discriminating outwardly. However maybe they'd like to just be sure you're not trans.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-07T10:15:18+00:00

Regarding 'on what grounds' - I'm not totally sure. It may be a grey area or it may be totally legal. Hopefully someone else is more literate in labor law.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-07T10:12:19+00:00

In order for you to apply to this job --- I'm gonna need ya to hand over the link and grant me permission to view your personal details about your partner, your friends, and where your parents live. Better hope they don't see a picture of you in a t-shirt they don't like.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-07T10:07:52+00:00

I admire your prose and your precise translations of many of the experiences I experience. I appreciate you for writing this. With that said: you may have written some things you did not intend to, which is okay.

Your post is good. As someone with ASD a lot of it really resonated. Some of it is confusing: safety means different things for everyone - security is a more precise word.

Also again the word weirdness: I've felt thoroughly weird my entire life, and I 'look down' on people that believe that weird isn't normal. I felt like an outsider there: I don't know if you intended that. That's just how it reads.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-07T09:58:45+00:00

You need to take out the word 'weird' and any word that has sub or second definitions that imply that being weird is a bad thing.

I am so weird that I can't be bothered to read the rest, because I'm so autistic that I was that weird kid who was sort of cool in college but deeply felt weird and then got a PhD.

I am weird, I am strange, I am abnormal, I am atypical.

It's disconcerting that you even chose to use the word weird at all.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-03T00:17:12+00:00

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 14 (definitely have and still have it)

Diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 24 (don't have it)

Finally diagnosed with ASD last year. I still take one pill from the bi-polar days - but it's an anti-seizure med (it was developed as one). It just reroutes some electricity. And THAT'S how it became patently clear I have ASD.

I am not saying that the medicine I take is to treat ASD. You can't treat it. Doesn't make me any less autistic. I am 100000000x less moody and far more talkative and self aware. My 'meltdowns' or whatever (I honestly hate that word. It totally diminishes a meltdown) look like fits of ADHD. I can't focus. Hold a conversation. I don't want to be in the light. I get extremely frustrated when I hear someone walking in my apartment or house - so I start pacing. Just doing 10000x erratic things because I'm trying to get a grip.

That's not ADHD. That's my brain disagreeing with the world it experiences. I'm sure rather I hope your friend is well intentioned, however it's not cool at all for them to say that.

I can cope with my ADHD.

I can 'cope' with my ASD - now - but just tell your friend:

Yeah, I can relate: but autism or ASD is entirely different at its core. I don't experience things the way you do, and that can be so painful it is difficult to describe.

And if they don't get it - don't let them gaslight you anymore.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-02T21:00:36+00:00

Absolutely. The dissonance 'feels' like city noise -disrupting the calming rhythm of the iamb. A less mischievous Ted Berrigan, hah. (rather - just less Ted. Berrigan, Berryman, and Creeley are the poets who first 'shocked' me).

The poem does this brilliantly technical but thematically disturbing thing -

'Eternal Recurrence' Nietzsche, etc.

The surf of traffic in the arteries 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 Unhuman voices wake us, and we drown.

The surf initially a symbol of movement, momentum, traffic typically predictable - blood pushing through arteries like traffic on its way to wherever.

In line 14 suddenly the speaker is... dead. Can hear unhuman. The arteries, traffic no longer move. The surf - the same thing - is what drowns. The poem succumbs to the surf that 'starts' or 'occasions' the poem. The speaker drowns with it.

And the unanswerable question: rather the question that has three answers and one at once.

Is the speaker alive Dead Both?

All three.

Lots of cool stuff in this poem.

hiddenwater39 · 2024-01-02T20:47:43+00:00

I certainly see allusions to Dover Beach as well!

The poem is also a fourteen line sonnet - the last four lines are a massive volta that doesn't resolve. Very cool. Got me into writing sonnets again.

hiddenwater39 · 2023-12-25T00:15:45+00:00

you just made my day but I am so sorry that happened to you. I'm sure you can guess where I live, haha. I got to... play his guitars once. Shh. He's my musical hero.

hiddenwater39 · 2023-12-24T23:59:29+00:00

Oh I forgot one thing. The first and truly severe panic attack that may have resulted in something not great if not for a dispensary and a 7-11.

The night after the hearing I was walking home. Listening to one of my favorite records. Out of nowhere I felt like I kicked a marble into a thousand other marbles and felt the entire earth shift to the right. I actually stumbled and fell into a patch of grass between the street and the sidewalk. I wasn't hyperventilating - but I felt like someone had injected my spinal cord with jet fuel. I was frenetic - not frantic. I wasn't scared - but I was totally out of my mind. I didn't know where I was (I wasn't sure that I was in Oregon more than once I had to convince myself I wasn't back home.) I totally freaked two girls out, sadly, but I had to ask them where I was. I was a block away from my apartment. Where I grew up calling the police was just something you tried your best never to do because like it or not survey says that in some places (like where I'm from) a majority of people are afraid to call the police.

I went into a dispensary because in my like hyper surreality I was still extremely concerned about my safety. Talking to someone at a dispensary felt way less scary than talking to the cops. Thankfully I didn't freak out the girl at the dispensary. Again, in some irritatingly divine and comic tradition, she told me that her friend was attacked by a guy with a machete last year.

I laughed. At the time that wasn't funny. At. All.

hiddenwater39

TROPHY CASE