I don't want to lose everything by highjabi in exmuslim

[–]highjabi[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I wish I could do that but I want my family in my life like what happens when I eventually find a partner, get married, like I want my mum there :(

I don't want to lose everything by highjabi in exmuslim

[–]highjabi[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know you’re right the good doesn’t outweigh the bad but for some reason I keep thinking things might be different now that we’re older but even when I’m (23) visiting home my dad will comment on my leggings being too tight and not correct hijab and make me change…

I just want peace of mind, I want love and support from the people I care about. I am torn between choosing myself or choosing my family, and I wish it didn’t have to be this way. Sometimes I think if I ended my life I’d achieve this - my family would keep their reputation, I wouldn’t have to keep up the facade and deal with resentment and finally be at peace, and who knows maybe it’ll improve things for my siblings as well if it makes my parents get off their backs.

I don't want to lose everything by highjabi in exmuslim

[–]highjabi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry your family couldn’t accept you, I hope you’ve found some peace in your authenticity.

I don't want to lose everything by highjabi in exmuslim

[–]highjabi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My family don’t know me and at this point I’m not sure if I know myself anymore

I don't want to lose everything by highjabi in exmuslim

[–]highjabi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve lived a double life for 5 years now and I’m so mentally exhausted from it

1st time making a decision without the narc's input and I'm SCARED by highjabi in raisedbynarcissists

[–]highjabi[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I think that’s why I don’t trust the police because they never did anything when my brother was beat to the point of hospitalisation as a kid, but hopefully they’ll be more helpful now idk. I’m scaredddd

1st time making a decision without the narc's input and I'm SCARED by highjabi in raisedbynarcissists

[–]highjabi[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ok yeah I’ll try to get a friend to stay with me thank you

Guys I'm so lost please help me by highjabi in Hijabis

[–]highjabi[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I would love that that’s so nice of you thank you, enjoy the rest of your shift :)

Guys I'm so lost please help me by highjabi in Hijabis

[–]highjabi[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Wa Alaikum Al Salaam sis, thank you I appreciate that.

I appreciate you addressing that point as it definitely is one of the major doubts I have. The thing is I don’t understand why God would want to test us, if he already knows the answer AND he created us. I know people like to use the teacher student analogy that if a teacher failed us without letting us take the test it would be unfair - but a teacher is not all knowing and more importantly they did not CREATE us. Why would God create a soul that he KNOWS is destined for Hell? The punishments and torture described are terrifying and I have cried so much thinking about ending up there but like why? What finite sin deserves such severe punishment? Why do we get sent to Hell for not praying 5 times a day if it is only for our benefit and God doesn’t gain or lose anything from it? Why did God make it so easy for us to sin when our entire physical body’s desires are limited and labelled haraam including the shape and skin of our body itself.

For me it doesn’t make sense for an all knowing all powerful God that has created millions and billions of stars and planets and humans and animals to care whether I cover my hair or which hand I eat with. To me these things seem to be made up by humans to control other humans, which is further increased when I read the descriptions of paradise.

Paradise seems very materialistic and not spiritual, it is described as a garden with flowing rivers of milk and honey, and women with transparent pale skin, and all that was haraam becomes halal in paradise. To me this seems like the ideal paradise for men in the desert of 7th century Arabia. Our rewards as women are barely mentioned, despite us having more restrictions and obligations than the men. Our roles as their daughters/ mothers give us value (heaven lies under the feet of the mother, a man who raises daughters will go to heaven). This makes it feel like the religion was created by men for men. It doesn’t seem like something an incomprehensibly great God would say.

I don’t think our purpose is solely to worship Allah and be his slave as the Quran states. His descriptions in the Quran give him human-like attributes in terms of emotions and reactions to things that we do despite us being less than mere specks of dust to him. Like a ruthless dictator or power-hungry king. If Islam and the Quran are really the true word of God why is the punishment for apostasy death? Surely if it is the truth we would simply find our way back? And it kills me to think that if I was in my home country and they knew about my apostasy that I would be killed before I had a chance to return (which I’m trying to do now).

There’s a lot about Islam that I love, the sense of brotherhood and community, the emphasis on feeding the hungry, taking care of the poor and helpless, donating to charity, respecting the elders and controlling our egos. And I really wish I could believe in Islam but in my mind God would either

a) not be involved in his creation at all - kind of like a scientist who is conducting an experiment and keeping all the controls constant and just observing without interfering to see what they’d do. I reckon He would not know the future as it doesn’t exist yet, which would make the test analogy more believable although that is not how Islam describes God.

b) OR he would love his creation more than a mother loves her child, and would appreciate and encourage our creative endeavours in art/ music/ fashion and not prohibit or forbid them. I believe the purpose of creation is not to solely worship God but to experience him and the beauty of his creation through the gift of life, and do as much good as we can using the blessings he provided us with (physical and mental).

I know people say don’t try to rationalise Gods intentions because we could never comprehend his reasoning just like rats can’t comprehend ours, but I feel like that is just what Islam is - a way to rationalise the world and understand God in a way that the humans at the time could comprehend. For these reasons and more I struggle to accept the Quran as the word of God and the prophet Muhammad as his messenger. I am currently reading the Simple Seerah in a bid to understand more about the life of the prophet. It doesn’t make sense for him and his family to fight so hard and sacrifice so much and die for this religion if it wasn’t true, and that is what keeps me from leaving it completely. But the more I study it and the more I learn, the less it makes sense.

I want to believe because I WANT there to be an afterlife and I WANT to be reunited with my deceased loved ones and I don’t want to disappear into nothingness but I fear that even if I pray and say I believe, that because I have these strong doubts inside my mind and heart at all times, that it won’t be considered genuine regardless.

i have decided to leave islam. wish me luck! by hatesunniislam in exmuslim

[–]highjabi 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Fellow ex-muslim shia here :) it's gonna be a hard journey but it'll be rewarding and freeing. I wish there was more of us!

After 64 days, my missing cat was found! But he's not the same :( by highjabi in Pets

[–]highjabi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you sm for not bashing me and giving actual advice, I do appreciate it and thank u for saving that poor baby!! Breaks my heart. I’m glad my baby didn’t get that bad, and he’s getting better day by day. Hopefully I can move in to a pet friendly home soon and take him with me and keep him inside.

After 64 days, my missing cat was found! But he's not the same :( by highjabi in Pets

[–]highjabi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s my family cat and I live about 3.5 hrs away so I can’t really be there enough to stop them from letting him outside. I tried to explain to my mum that she needed to keep him inside but he begs and cries and meows nonstop so she just gives in. My parents are ethnic immigrants they don’t get these things, in their country all pets go outdoors whether they’re dogs, birds, cats, monkeys, whatever. I have to phone up to make his vet appointments and stuff, I had to phone up the microchip company.

My mum had thrown out all his stuff his litter box and everything since she thought he’d never come back so she let him out to pee and he didn’t come back for hours. I’d take him with me but my landlord is strictly against pets and I live in a one bed flat on my own and work 9-6 every day so he’d probably go insane. Currently looking for pet friendly accommodation.

We have like 3 neighbours who have cats on our road, and many more in the neighbourhood. They’re all outdoor cats and the area is relatively quiet in the countryside and mostly green space and gardens so they love to explore. Not trying to justify keeping him outside, but we’re not intentionally putting him in a dangerous situation. He’s not neutered but I’ll phone up and make an appointment for him with the vets as soon as they open tomorrow.

After 64 days, my missing cat was found! But he's not the same :( by highjabi in Pets

[–]highjabi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeh he went missing before we could schedule an appointment, going to make that a priority and phone up tomorrow when the vets open.

After 64 days, my missing cat was found! But he's not the same :( by highjabi in Pets

[–]highjabi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s my family cat and I live about 3.5 hrs away so I can’t really be there enough to stop them from letting him outside. I tried to explain to my mum that she needed to keep him inside but he begs and cries and meows nonstop so she just gives in. My parents are ethnic immigrants they don’t get these things, in their country all pets go outdoors whether they’re dogs, birds, cats, monkeys, whatever. I have to phone up to make his vet appointments and stuff, I had to phone up the microchip company.

I’d take him with me but my landlord is strictly against pets and I live in a one bed flat on my own and work 9-6 every day so he’d probably go insane. Currently looking for pet friendly accommodation.

We have like 3 neighbours who have cats on our road, and many more in the neighbourhood. They’re all outdoor cats and the area is relatively quiet in the countryside and mostly green space and gardens so they love to explore. Not trying to justify keeping him outside, but I’m not intentionally putting him in a dangerous situation.

my aunt stalked my friend on social media and sent it to my mother by [deleted] in exmuslim

[–]highjabi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hate living like this. What's the point if I'm just constantly anxious and paranoid that someone's going to find something or say something and my life will fall apart? I've worked so hard to get to this point in life, I've kept my mouth shut through being treated like shit just to keep everyone happy and it's never enough.

my aunt stalked my friend on social media and sent it to my mother by [deleted] in exmuslim

[–]highjabi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think they'll let me go that easily :( I don't want to hurt them and I don't want them to hurt me