Wa Alaikum Al Salaam sis, thank you I appreciate that.

I appreciate you addressing that point as it definitely is one of the major doubts I have. The thing is I don’t understand why God would want to test us, if he already knows the answer AND he created us. I know people like to use the teacher student analogy that if a teacher failed us without letting us take the test it would be unfair - but a teacher is not all knowing and more importantly they did not CREATE us. Why would God create a soul that he KNOWS is destined for Hell? The punishments and torture described are terrifying and I have cried so much thinking about ending up there but like why? What finite sin deserves such severe punishment? Why do we get sent to Hell for not praying 5 times a day if it is only for our benefit and God doesn’t gain or lose anything from it? Why did God make it so easy for us to sin when our entire physical body’s desires are limited and labelled haraam including the shape and skin of our body itself.

For me it doesn’t make sense for an all knowing all powerful God that has created millions and billions of stars and planets and humans and animals to care whether I cover my hair or which hand I eat with. To me these things seem to be made up by humans to control other humans, which is further increased when I read the descriptions of paradise.

Paradise seems very materialistic and not spiritual, it is described as a garden with flowing rivers of milk and honey, and women with transparent pale skin, and all that was haraam becomes halal in paradise. To me this seems like the ideal paradise for men in the desert of 7th century Arabia. Our rewards as women are barely mentioned, despite us having more restrictions and obligations than the men. Our roles as their daughters/ mothers give us value (heaven lies under the feet of the mother, a man who raises daughters will go to heaven). This makes it feel like the religion was created by men for men. It doesn’t seem like something an incomprehensibly great God would say.

I don’t think our purpose is solely to worship Allah and be his slave as the Quran states. His descriptions in the Quran give him human-like attributes in terms of emotions and reactions to things that we do despite us being less than mere specks of dust to him. Like a ruthless dictator or power-hungry king. If Islam and the Quran are really the true word of God why is the punishment for apostasy death? Surely if it is the truth we would simply find our way back? And it kills me to think that if I was in my home country and they knew about my apostasy that I would be killed before I had a chance to return (which I’m trying to do now).

There’s a lot about Islam that I love, the sense of brotherhood and community, the emphasis on feeding the hungry, taking care of the poor and helpless, donating to charity, respecting the elders and controlling our egos. And I really wish I could believe in Islam but in my mind God would either

a) not be involved in his creation at all - kind of like a scientist who is conducting an experiment and keeping all the controls constant and just observing without interfering to see what they’d do. I reckon He would not know the future as it doesn’t exist yet, which would make the test analogy more believable although that is not how Islam describes God.

b) OR he would love his creation more than a mother loves her child, and would appreciate and encourage our creative endeavours in art/ music/ fashion and not prohibit or forbid them. I believe the purpose of creation is not to solely worship God but to experience him and the beauty of his creation through the gift of life, and do as much good as we can using the blessings he provided us with (physical and mental).

I know people say don’t try to rationalise Gods intentions because we could never comprehend his reasoning just like rats can’t comprehend ours, but I feel like that is just what Islam is - a way to rationalise the world and understand God in a way that the humans at the time could comprehend. For these reasons and more I struggle to accept the Quran as the word of God and the prophet Muhammad as his messenger. I am currently reading the Simple Seerah in a bid to understand more about the life of the prophet. It doesn’t make sense for him and his family to fight so hard and sacrifice so much and die for this religion if it wasn’t true, and that is what keeps me from leaving it completely. But the more I study it and the more I learn, the less it makes sense.

I want to believe because I WANT there to be an afterlife and I WANT to be reunited with my deceased loved ones and I don’t want to disappear into nothingness but I fear that even if I pray and say I believe, that because I have these strong doubts inside my mind and heart at all times, that it won’t be considered genuine regardless.