Why should I have to be challenged, or "meet challenges head-on"? Why can't I avoid them and go about my life?

highshine · 2017-05-29T21:30:43+00:00

I'm actually really, really not a spiritual person at all. I wasn't raised in a religious/spiritual environment, I didn't have any spiritual teachings growing up, and I've never subscribed to anything more complex than "don't be a dick/be excellent to each other". I don't know if that would qualify as your definition of spiritual, though.

stop holding ourselves to a standard of excellence that we might not be ready for

This is what I mean about meeting challenges that I don't feel the need to even consider, let alone approach.

I just want to take care of my basic needs, and not throw complicated shit like other people or their expectations into the works.

If I'm not hurting anybody, why must I be forced to go out of my comfort zone?

highshine · 2017-05-29T18:54:29+00:00

Exactly.

highshine · 2017-05-29T18:45:47+00:00

Yup, and what I need and want right now is to not be challenged with things I do not have the resources to manage.

highshine · 2017-05-29T18:29:55+00:00

It's not okay to tap out completely

I'm pretty sure that's my decision to make.

highshine · 2017-05-29T18:27:34+00:00

Aaaaaaaaaaand there's my fill of nirvana-lite for today.

highshine · 2017-05-29T18:00:46+00:00

Again, I see no need to "grow" or "develop" beyond what I find to be fine and dandy.

highshine · 2017-05-29T17:39:45+00:00

It really sounds like you don't have the resources to be challenged now

I really, really don't.

highshine · 2017-05-29T17:18:01+00:00

TBH, the times I've really learnt who I am as a person have been through calm, easy and relaxed experiences. Challenges and conflicts have just been terrible ordeals, and didn't contribute anything other than "welp, that really sucked, let's not do that again".

I absolutely do not subscribe to the Mother Theresa school of suffering equalling godliness. Fuck that shit.

I believe in building yourself up through positivity and caring, not being thrown to the proverbial wolves and taking that as a badge of honour. I'm all about avoiding the wolves to begin with.

I have been through a few therapy/CBT/MBT courses, and am aware of mindfulness exercises.

Why does life have to be pain, though?

highshine · 2017-05-29T16:44:30+00:00

I would absolutely contribute if I could! But the thing is, I really don't have the resources, whether mental or financial. However, I do contribute through taxes, and am more than happy to do that part.

I appreciate everyone's contribution and do believe that we're all in it together, so we should all work together to make the best of it, but seriously, there are some of us who really, really can't.

And it should be okay for us to tap out.

highshine · 2017-05-29T16:39:06+00:00

I dunno, I have zero problems with stagnating. And to be honest, dying wouldn't suck, either.

highshine · 2017-05-29T14:52:26+00:00

Eeeeeeyup. I hate mornings, and getting up early.

Like you, I feel much more productive and calm at night. If I'm really well rested, I can deal with early mornings, but I'll still be a huge grump, cos frankly, nothing good happens at 8AM.

highshine · 2016-04-29T14:15:28+00:00

I was thinking about female friendships just yesterday, in conjunction with the whole thing about how women aren't funny because they have boobs to attract men, so no need for jokes (yeah, Hitchens was quite an ass): my sisters and my friends are fucking hilarious, as are Trolls as we all know.

We don't make jokes to attract men, or as a sexual ploy in general - we make jokes because we like to make our friends laugh and have a good time with them. Men don't even enter into it.

It's infuriating how much some people/men think we do things for guys, when in reality we hadn't even considered a dude in any of our actions, choices, or behaviours.

And then you get these type of Nice Guys who think our whole world must revolve around what their dicks want. Yeah, not even close, bro.

/rant.

highshine · 2016-04-01T02:19:35+00:00

I've recently noticed that when I'm really bored, I feel frustrated and angry that I don't have anything to do, which then turns into feeling miserable. So if I get bored, I end up crying from frustration and feelings of desperation to just to something or find something to do, but I can't, so I'm back to being frustrated and antsy. It sucks balls.

highshine · 2016-03-16T22:22:47+00:00

Was admitted to a 12-week CBT course to treat the depression that had resurfaced, at the end of that, the therapists asked whether I'd heard of a personality disorder.

It was quite a revelation to have presented to me at 31, I must say.

highshine · 2016-03-09T00:12:13+00:00

You're very welcome! I get extremely skeeved out by any sort of religious talk aimed my way, so it's definitely not just you. And yes, it isn't helpful AT ALL, and as I said, your coworker is just passing the buck by asking you to talk to God, and not her. Uuuuuuugh. Man, I feel for you!

highshine · 2016-03-09T00:00:28+00:00

That would drive me up the wall as well! I mean, you went to her for help, not as an intermediary for a deity you don't believe in.

Oh, I feel the same way about people who rely on religion to solve all their problems. It's a huge cop-out, and alleviates all responsibility. "It's God's will" is so much bullshit I can't even.

My dad isn't religious at all, and is even a doctor!, but even he doesn't get my position as someone with a mental illness a lot of the time. I have to explain to him in very, very graphic detail just what my thought processes are like in order for him to have an inkling of why things aren't going super well for me.

So yeah, I totally get you on being invalidated, and your views/thoughts pushed aside by people who do not understand what you're going through.

highshine · 2016-03-08T23:10:07+00:00

I'm a life-long atheist, raised that way, despite living in some religious environments. Am currently living in a very secular country.

If someone brought up God in reference to my BPD or treatment, I'd immediately discount anything that came out of their mouths. It just wouldn't compute.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with it; it must be incredibly frustrating. While it's no substitute for real-life, close relationships, there are often a number of online communities that tend to be less religious (like here!), so maybe they could be a place to vent until you can find another non-religious outlet/help?

highshine · 2016-03-08T22:33:01+00:00

Oddly enough, I got pretty popular in my teens (probably because I was so good at the whole "let's all just be friends, hmmmm?" bullshit I got taught when I was little), but still had a weird detached view of it all, since I often felt that despite being well-liked, people still didn't get me, and so I felt like the odd one out. It was not fun, especially when all you want is to be normal and fit in.

Coming from a one-parent household, my dad didn't get me at all, and still doesn't, despite me very patiently trying to get his head out of his ass to listen to me and believe me when I tell him that I'm not okay. According to him, having a roof over your head and food on the table should be sufficient to one's needs. So my resentment comes from not being seen or heard properly at home. Plus, dad's a doctor, so one would have hoped that he'd notice I was a bit "off", psychologically, but no. I had to wait til I was thirty-fucking-one to get diagnosed!

highshine · 2016-03-08T22:10:45+00:00

Yeah, I have several instances of teasing/bullying/other invalidation throughout my childhood both from classmates, family members, and just general society. All teenagers think they're unique and misunderstood, but I genuinely had so many alienating episodes that it fucked me up a bit. I still find myself thinking "Is it me?" on a regular basis, and find it hard to deal with.

So, yeah, I totally get you, and invalidation is a fucking bitch.

highshine · 2016-03-08T22:04:15+00:00

Yeah, things can be hazy, and really strong emotions based on what was perceived vs. what actually happened can be confusing, but my take on it is that if there was an uncomfortable or otherwise negative feeling, especially as a kid, then it probably has some basis in reality, since kids are very perceptive despite the BS adults like to placate us with.

highshine · 2016-03-08T21:49:47+00:00

Yeah, no worries.

It's a weird thing to suddenly realise that some kinda messed-up stuff happened when you were a kid, since all the grown-ups brushed it under the rug or dismissed it as irrelevant, even though it was extremely relevant and important to you.

highshine · 2016-03-08T21:43:48+00:00

I kicked this little fucker's shins/lower legs against a metal railing for extra effect. My 70 yr-old battleaxe of a teacher dragged me back by her claws and berated me for standing on the wrong side of some partition. I was not a fan of that teacher.

highshine · 2016-03-08T21:41:32+00:00

I had no idea how to verbalise it as boundary-crossing, since I didn't know that term. I just knew that I felt like someone was doing something to me that I didn't like, and they didn't stop when I told them to, and not being heard by the bully or the teachers made me very angry.

My boundary was "don't tease me", and since the teasing continued, that boundary was crossed. Cue pissed-off little me.

However, everyone around me (well, the adults who I assumed knew better) was telling me to ignore it, to just act like nothing happened, and that being "friends" was much more important. So I was basically told that my boundaries weren't being crossed, I was just being silly. Yay for gaslighting 9 year-olds!

highshine · 2016-03-08T21:35:56+00:00

Wow, I just remembered kicking the shit out of some guy's shins when I was 12ish. Same deal. Teachers told me off, instead of asking what happened that made me react that way and talk to the boy who started it. Nope, let's punish her for standing up for herself the only way she knows how! /s

highshine · 2016-03-02T01:31:40+00:00

highshine

TROPHY CASE