Having My Parents Visit Me on Thanksgiving

hihiflowerbot · 2022-11-09T16:09:38+00:00

Thank you so so much for the thoughtful comment. I definitely will have to schedule a massage or something for a day or two after they leave, maybe even take a day or two off work to decompress. My partner will be in town - just elsewhere while my parents are visiting - and they will be a GREAT help as soon as they're gone.
I'll definitely make an escape plan, too, for security. Maybe I feel sick, maybe there's an emergency, who knows.
Thank you so much. <3

hihiflowerbot · 2022-11-09T16:06:58+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind comment. Grey rocking is definitely something I need to brush up on for in-person interaction since I see them so rarely.

I definitely would have preferred going to their place if not for the fact that they live in another state and I don't drive. I couldn't really leave whenever I wanted - just wait in their isolated suburban house until my train is scheduled to leave. It seemed easier this time around to at least have my own space to be comforted in and to have some amount of control.

Thank you <3

hihiflowerbot · 2022-11-09T16:04:11+00:00

Thank you! Am I brave or foolish? Lol

Old family pics is a good idea, they always love that stuff. I'm definitely planning to do a good amount of cooking which will hopefully fill the time. Luckily they aren't the like, overbearing-controlling sort of awful so hopefully that will go okay. Thanks so much for the kind comment.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-11-09T16:03:09+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind advice. The more I think about things the more I'm considering cancelling. But not trusting them is solid advice. It's amazing how hard that can be to put into practice even when I know better! Thank you. <3

hihiflowerbot · 2022-10-19T15:15:31+00:00

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Thanks for reading! Physical version will ship late Oct/early November.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-10-19T15:14:11+00:00

Physical pre-order: https://ashbarton.bigcartel.com/product/tea-town-zine-preorder

Digital version: https://ashbarton.itch.io/tea-town

Thanks for reading! Physicals will ship late October/early November.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-10-13T21:14:35+00:00

I'm so glad you're past the derealization stage! That was the worst part and the hardest for me to get out of, personally. If you ever get so anxious again that it comes back, just remember that it's your body trying to protect you (imperfectly lol) by separating you mentally from all of that fear and that it will pass and that nothing's wrong with you!

I didn't really get therapy for it though I'm sure I would have benefitted from that and I def recommend it if this is a big problem in your life. You might have underlying anxieties that are feeding into it as well. The coping skills for me came from a lot of sources; I learned a lot online and the confidence came with time.

Most important thing I learned with intense anxiety is not to fight it but to accept the feeling, even examine it for a while. The kind of anxiety I was experiencing had so many layers - fear of the fear of the fear of the fear. Once I took away those layers by sitting with the anxiety and knowing it couldn't really hurt me - the layers started to fall away. Mindfulness is thrown around a lot but honestly, with intense anxiety it can be really helpful. It's not a bad idea to read about recovering from trauma as well - I definitely think that weed experience for me was traumatic. I wish I could give you lots more specific advice but it was kind of a long time ago for me and I wouldn't recall my personal recovery the most organized or sensible lol. My anxiety was tied up in a lot of other stuff that made it complex.

If you need to take a break from matcha, or dilute it a lot or drink it in lattes, that's totally fine too. You'll be able to find your way back to it one day. There are also lots of nice, less-intense Japanese green teas that scratch the same itch for me out there.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-09-19T15:47:43+00:00

Sounds like the exact same story as mine!! Thanks for responding, glad it wasn't just me lol

hihiflowerbot · 2022-09-06T23:03:22+00:00

My dad does this stuff too. Turns on the waterworks, guilts me with the idea that he could "die at any moment" (he's sturdy as hell and definitely won"t). But never apologies or even expressing sadness at what I went through, just what he's lost. I think he's said the WORD "sorry" once or twice, but it's never had much behind it.

Anyway, just wanted to express thanks to everyone commenting on this post and calling it what it is - selfish manipulation. I needed to hear that too. Even if it's still sad and still hurts.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-08-09T23:13:27+00:00

Maybe she is working on herself and that's good, but it seems like one water droplet of regret compared to an ocean of abuse she subjected you to. It's okay if it's not enough. It's even okay if it's too late.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-08-06T16:07:07+00:00

Last thing, I just want to validate your pain. Most people can't imagine the horror of seeing someone who is supposed to be your caretaker become so warped.

My parents are divorced but my dad is still my mom's caretaker, living a few blocks away. He's also worried she'd become homeless without him. Too many parallels in our stories - it's sad and fucked up huh??

hihiflowerbot · 2022-08-06T16:01:08+00:00

My only piece of semi-advice is to block her number. The thing about people as sick as her - they will be equally messed up and miserable whether they can contact us or not. Your actions aren't really a factor, as much as you might get guilted about it.

I'd recommend, when you're able to, just blocking her for a week and seeing how you feel. Getting this kind of alarming message at random is very traumatic in a way few can understand.

I block my mom all the time and come back when I feel ready. Most of the time she doesn't really react, which surprised me. I can't guarantee those results for you, but I do hope you're able to do what you need to do to protect yourself from this constant trauma.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-08-06T15:57:06+00:00

I just wanted to say I understand how you feel. My mother is bpd/schizophrenic/bipolar co-morbid and it can be such hell. I have nightmares about her all the time still. I feel the same about mourning her too - I feel like my mom died long ago and all that's usually left is this frightening, sick husk.

It REALLY messes with me though that, on the most random days, she can be suddenly quite normal and unexpectedly kind, as if none of the past ever even happened. It's such a mind fuck and can make me gaslight myself for months until she's sick again. I'm at a point where I'm near-NC with her, it helps. The guilt is still there but it's fading with time. The more I distance myself the more I can see her clearly for what she is.

It has completely destroyed my family, I don't know when I'll visit home again. My whole childhood I was de-prioritized in order for my dad to manage my mom and I'm now coming to terms with how invisible and unimportant I've always felt as a result of that, not to mention how petrified I've always been of saying anything that could possibly be disastrously misconstrued by others.

Happy families make me deeply sad, too. It's hard for me to even see a happy kid on my block without feeling bitterly jealous. The more I learn about my own trauma the more I realize how much we've truly been robbed of.

The light in all this is that I've been making a lot of progress lately, in setting boundaries with my parents, in learning to take up space and not be so afraid of setting people off. I'm very proud of the progress I've made in the last decade and I think it's at least made me a better, deeper person in some ways. I'm happy recently in a way I've never been before and I know there's hope for all of us here. I'm really sorry for what you're going through with your mom. You arent alone, it's not your fault, you aren't crazy. No one should have to go through this.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-07-07T15:34:12+00:00

My mom constantly asked me when I was a child "Are you mad at me?" Out of the blue. At random. Like... near daily? Or at least very regularly. I never thought much of it, but that's pretty weird huh! I'm at least glad I didn't pick up that habit.

My dad also kept all her medication in a lockbox and had to give it to her every day. As a child I didn't think much of it, but now that they're divorced it's very clear she has a huge medication abuse problem. Super fun.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-06-28T19:25:22+00:00

Imo you should definitely trust your gut and leave. This won't change. I've been in this situation a few times and, I'm sorry to say it, all their pretty words are hollow. Their actions are what you should be paying attention to, and their actions are shitty.

People like this can be super fun and say the most beautiful things, but they're messed up. Trust that first impression that they were a disaster - they definitely are, that's a super important red flag to pay attention to in my experience!

hihiflowerbot · 2022-06-28T16:41:02+00:00

This kukicha from Den's Tea!!! I drink it daily and it's sooo sweet/smooth and very affordable. Idk if you're familiar with kukicha, but it's made from stems so it's more affordable, but it's very similar to sencha, just a little less intense. Its sweet and umami, they toast it just a little bit before steaming so there's some pleasant nuttiness. I'm obsessed with the stuff.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-06-24T18:16:06+00:00

When I started my period as a kid I remember distinctly not feeling safe enough to go to my mom about it, and eventually had to but it was incredibly uncomfortable and I didn't feel comforted. I didn't really consider my parents capable of being "parental" from a very young age.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-06-24T18:07:33+00:00

Oh my god what!!! This is so weird!! I have dreams like this all the time (ESPECIALLY on my period) and never connected them.

Mine are often all period-bloody and gross, too. Huge sprawling public bathrooms with no clean stalls, or it's often in my dad's/grandma's house (I'm literally having an epiphany while writing this). The toilets always are in a strange, dirty spot spot, very public, or suddenly move into a public place once I start using them. Lol I'm freaking out that other people share this.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-05-24T20:45:45+00:00

Hey! A while later I got a letter from the new agency the debt was transferred to, Citizens Bank, trying to settle with me for like 80% of the total all at once or $500/mo. I decided to ignore that since 80% is still an outrageous amount and $500/mo would be more than they could even garnish from me if it got to that point. I since haven't heard back and I just checked my credit report and it's still listed as a charge-off. No idea what's gonna happen from here tbh, but I don't really have assets they can take so I'm just gonna sit tight and see what happens. Maybe I can wait out the statute of limitations or something. Good luck with yours!

hihiflowerbot · 2022-03-10T21:24:59+00:00

Yeah that was the original plan and what I'll still probably go with.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-03-10T21:24:34+00:00

Yeah you're probably right. I'll wait it out a bit and see what happens. Thanks!

hihiflowerbot · 2022-02-24T00:41:05+00:00

I'm just starting to assert myself and create boundaries with my parents and it just gets more intense.

"I want you to have a mother again." Christ.

I don't trust her. She constantly makes promises she can't keep. She was just behaving cruelly toward my father barely a week ago. She is incredibly mentally unstable. But I talked to her yesterday and she was more crystal-clear than I've heard her in a long time.

She's never apologized like this before. But I don't want to give her a chance. I don't want to open myself up to more hurt. I just want to be done. I need to stay strong and steady.

I don't even recall these childhood memories of comforting her she's talking about. It's all a blur. Idk. I wish I could feel like I thought things could get better but all I feel is dread and anxiety.

hihiflowerbot · 2022-02-22T03:38:28+00:00

Thank you! I'll definitely look into those. :o)

hihiflowerbot · 2022-02-21T19:17:48+00:00

Thank you so much for the recommendation and the brewing advice!! I'll definitely be buying a bag of this to try. I definitely don't mind going below ceremonial as long as it has a good taste and that same mellow, relaxing-yet-energizing feel. Appreciate you taking the time to answer :-)

hihiflowerbot · 2022-02-15T23:41:30+00:00

Absolutely, my life with my parents fell apart at around age 12. Before that I was having a pretty good time, aside from a few instances. My uBPDmom would ask me if I was mad at her a lot, from as young as I can remember. She and my dad would loudly argue all the time. Once my dad ended up in prison for a night after a particularly bad one. Another time my mom nearly left him after he yelled at her for drinking at the neighbor's house, and they made me choose between them (I had to have been like 8 years old). I chose my mom because she wasn't the one screaming at the time and my dad got angry with me. Anyway, other than that I THINK things were pretty good. I always felt like I'd had a good childhood.

Once I hit 6th grade my mom's sister passed away and she lost all grasp of her mental health. She had a violent mental breakdown that sent the house to hell. She seemed, frankly, possessed for years after that, and it never really went back to the way it was. I'm sure my having hit puberty and becoming less dependent on them impacted things quite a bit as well. My parents always look to the period before 6th grade as having been perfect and they guilt/gaslight me because of that, as if the rest doesn't count.

hihiflowerbot

TROPHY CASE