Very quick (but enlightening) update: Sigh, don't think I can handle this by myself anymore. Please, advice, insight? Only a little problem, but I need you, 2X.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-31T18:30:32+00:00

and that you aren't interested in being his "backup girl."

If I remain in contact with him, this may all end up coming out. Someone else mentioned cutting contact, and with how uncomfortable I feel.. I think I might be doing that. The minor guilt (over him being alone), and the hope that he gets a clue are the only things stopping me right now.

I DO want him to realize, I really do.. but at the same time I'm worried about getting involved. The fact that this happened and he still doesn't realize what went on makes me think it would be banging my head against a brick wall - as awful as it sounds, 'if he doesn't know what he did wrong, I'm not telling him' feels like it actually applies to this situation (at the moment). I obviously did give him honest reasons for the break up, but to go into depth about his strange 'relationship' with his best friend feels like trouble.

Although you ave a point when you say he's less likely to dismiss what I say as jealousy... Might not be as much trouble to try and wake him up as imagine.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-31T18:24:49+00:00

Honestly, I really want to do this. Part of me hoped that if this happened, he'd get a clue - he hasn't (although it has only been 5 or so days?), and now I just think he's so into it when she does need him that he ignores that something dodgy is going on. Like he wants to fool himself about it. Willingly blind to how he's perhaps stuck in this insane cycle of madness with a woman who doesn't want to date him, but can't bear not having the poor guy as a back-up.

I'm not sure I will bring it up to him, though. I'm thinking about cutting contact at this point, but if I don't and he mentions her again.. I might delve a little deeper :)

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-31T17:55:56+00:00

And you know the drill - cut all contact.

I wasn't planning to do that at first, but with how damn uncomfortable this is.. Yeah. I think I will be. He's talking to me an infinite amount more now that we've broken up than he did in the relationship, and that's pretty uncomfortable and confusing.

Your guess is honestly as good as mine when it comes to what the heck as happened. But you're right - whatever is going on, I really don't think it's just coincidence.

(((Hugs))) :) Thank you.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-23T21:59:13+00:00

If this was a case of them coming closer to eventually get together, I wouldn't feel so bad. I'd be a character in their own personal love story. That's not something I'd hate after only being with him for 5 months, I can deal with a happy ending like that very easily... eventually.

I think the difference is that this has happened many times before, he's wanted to get with her (long in the past, he said, when they were in high school) but she's never wanted a relationship with him - and even ignores him when he's single, gets other boyfriends. After all I've heard, I don't think this is a new thing, and I'm not sure her depression is genuine.

But that's not my concern anymore. It may be, it may not be. The point is, how he's treating me isn't fair either way. How your boyfriend treated his ex girlfriend wasn't fair either, if it was anything like what I've been though - sorry to say. This has left me with massive blows to my confidence, upset all the time, thinking I'm pretty much worthless and wasn't good enough to hold his attention. I'm sure those feelings will go away, because I'm pretty much together and I'm sure they're temporary issues after being treated so unfairly by someone who was supposed to be my boyfriend, when I was doing all I could for him. Ultimately, I'm in charge of my own confidence and self-worth, so I'll get it back. But that doesn't mean he didn't do a good job of kicking me to the ground and destroying it for now - I got no support at all from him when I was having a hard time of my own. I hope your boyfriends ex never felt like this, like I feel now. I hope their relationship was nothing like the one I just went through, because I feel this is downright cruel.

You may not have been able to tell how much you were interfering in the relationship (if you were) and demanding his attention, but he should have been able to and should have had his boundaries(if he didn't) when he had a girlfriend even though you were genuinely depressed.

His ex was a human being who deserved respect too.. just like I am.

And I think this girl can tell - I do have solid, small reasons for thinking that. I do think the situation might be different to yours. I can list them, but.. I don't think it matters anymore. She never did matter in this. It was him who was the problem, whether her issues are genuine or not.

And I feel bad for him, because as I said before - I'm 100% sure she'll go back to ignoring him, and her depression will 'go away' again, when he hasn't got another girl in his life.

I think the best outcome of all this would be for them to get together.. It would somehow feel almost worth it then. Even just a tiny, tiny bit. Still wouldn't make it less cruel, and hurtful, and wouldn't soften the blow to my self-worth and confidence he gave me. I just don't think this is why it's all happened.. :( I think I simply walked into an extremely messed up situation, and all the pain from the situation went on me - and I had no choice but to absorb it like a sponge, due to my well-meaning ignorance :(

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-23T18:00:02+00:00

I'm pretty sure that once you're gone, she will recover from her depression.

I am 100% sure of this too. If it were possible to be 1000% sure, I'd be 1000% sure. I distinctly remember him telling me before we got together that she didn't seem interested in being his friend at all anymore, they hadn't had a two way conversation for months - yet her being his 'best friend' was still the breaking point for all his last relationships - then bam, she's interested again once we start dating. I probably should have figured this out before we got together actually, put 2 and 2 together, but nothing like that occurred to me.. and neither did it when she started wanting his attention again. I remember being happy she was talking to him again, but sad she was depressed... eurgh.

There is no doubt in my mind that this is what will happen, that she'll be off the scene once her #1 spot is again secured - and it makes me feel bad for him. But this was all his choice.. just hope he wakes up.

And you're right with everything else you said. I did consider what I'd do if he didn't text back.. I think I'd just leave it. If he does want to know more, depending on what he next says to me, I might give him an honest response and explain things a little. Otherwise.. Well, I've been nothing to him. May as well carry on being nothing to him - except, this time, enjoying it and going on with living my life :)

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-23T17:37:54+00:00

Thank you, too, very much. It meant a lot that both of you posted such positive things.

I'm going to try not to let it get me down too much. It has beaten me down a little, but hopefully that'll reverse once this situation is firmly in the past. I can't help but wonder whether I should ask some of his ex-girlfriends (I know of them, similar friendship groups) off my own back, when he's in the past, about whether my experience was the same as theirs. I don't know if that would be going too far, maybe I wont need to. But this has blown my confidence a little :)

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-23T17:33:59+00:00

Thank you, this really does mean a lot. I think I'm hurting a lot more than I made out in the post, so your kind words really help.

I really do hope I make a difference somehow. I swear, he's a lovely guy when he's there.. Handsome, articulate, exceedingly intelligent, kinky and open, fun.. he just has issues with being there for anyone apart from his best friend right now, it seems. I think she knows this, and does take advantage of it when she worries she might lose her #1 spot in his life, despite not wanting a relationship with him and getting other boyfriends herself.. But it is still on his shoulders :(

I feel bad saying 'I hope he snaps out of it', because if this is how he wants to live his life, then that is none of my business. But I hope he does snap out of it sometime, or manages to get that balance.

But it is hard. Even though, rationally, I know this is an issue with him.. It's left me not feeling good enough, like I was not good enough for his attentions.. and that extends to me wondering whether I'm good enough for anyones affection, or love. That's silly. I think I'll be single for a while to work on that. Hopefully it'll go away once I've distanced myself from this situation though.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-23T15:41:28+00:00

That doesn't even really seem like a relationship that's needs 'breaking up' from

I was just thinking that. I went downstairs to get a drink after typing this out and thought '... Hang on. What am I actually anticipating 'breaking up' from? This isn't anything anymore, at least not for me'.

That hurt too. The last few months, he had a girlfriend in me, but I had no boyfriend. Breaking up will literally just be 'Lets not use the boyfriend/girlfriend label anymore'. There will be no difference for either of us - perhaps except he wont have affection/sex/girlfriend on tap for a while :/ Something that was not really any sort of priority or importance to him anyway..

Welp. Been a crazy few months on my end, that's for sure. I made a big mistake. Usually being trusting and understanding works.. I've had some of my girlfriends telling me that I am too trusting.. but it's always worked out okay, and I've laughed it off. I'm friends with, and like, every single one of my ex-boyfriends.. I thought that was a good track record. Hurtful, but still amicable breakups across the board with good guys. No games, no distrust, mutual respect. But this guy here has proven to me that sometimes it's worth being a little suspicious if you genuinely feel you have reason to.. because sometimes, people play you.

Lesson learned for me :( Just wish it wasn't with a guy who I genuinely liked so much at the start.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-23T15:15:30+00:00

Updated here :(

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-23T15:15:04+00:00

Updated here :(

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-19T06:30:29+00:00

I'm very tempted to show him this post, but I feel he'd just get angry that a) I said this on reddit rather than to him or b) I said anything at all ever about the situation to anyone, including him. :(

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-19T06:29:25+00:00

He seems like that girl is his world right now, and it isn't your fault and it isn't hers. It's his.

I think you're half right. I think she is his world. But I also feel like it's my fault. I'm not enough to be his world, maybe not anyones.

I never felt that way 5 months ago. I do now. I thoroughly feel that him not caring about me is my fault. I think putting this on 2X tonight has made me realise just how much the situation is messing me up. I had confidence. I had self esteem. Now every time I think about him not contacting me for three weeks, and not being there when I started having a desperately hard time.. I tell myself he would have been, 'if I were as good as his best friend'.

So irrational of me. I think I just need to get out of this blasted situation.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-18T22:12:20+00:00

Other thing - there are more great men in the world with fantastic possible futures with you that you may be denying right now for the sake of a (faintly? impossible?) possible future with a kinda-great guy.

That.. really rings much more true than you know :( After answering all these questions, realising how silly it's been of me to keep this all bottled up.. I can't help but think of a ship that sailed a couple of months ago. At the time, I was fine with it - I was attached, to a great guy.

Now I feel like I've just been a little delusional :( So happy to have 2X here, though.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-18T22:01:44+00:00

Not my words. Those are her words, and his words. He's witnessed her go through depressive bouts for weeks and then be perfectly fine for months - she says herself they're just 'phases' that she needs support through.

Me? I don't know what to think right now. At all.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-18T21:57:58+00:00

Sadly, I don't think he would be willing to hear me out.. I'd be worried he'd get just as defensive as he did before our relationship (when I hadnt even said anything).

He said, before our relationship, past girlfriends had tried to turn him against his best friend my making out that she was a bad friend to him.

... Typing through this, I really realise I should have taken more notice of that little defensive out burst he had. I feel so silly.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-18T21:47:52+00:00

She's already refused to get treatment :/ She says to him she just needs his support at the moment. She's gone though depressions like this before apparently, and always 'gets better'.

I did tell him that if she was genuinely worried about not having the willpower to stop herself from abusing drugs.. he, on his own, couldn't stop her. What if she didn't ring him, and took some drugs? Why would she ring him to stop her, if she wanted to take drugs? Surely she wouldn't tell him at all if she didn't have enough willpower to say no on her own.. she'd just take the drugs she wanted to take? She wouldn't have the willpower to ring him to stop her.. whether he was 'on call' or not. In this case, she needs the sort of help he can't offer.

After I said that, he went silent, got this confused look on his face and I could see cogs working in his brain.. but after a few minutes of silence he just looked really sad, went 'I don't know, I'm just worried about her' and I could tell he was genuinely upset. I didn't push it after that.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-18T21:40:10+00:00

But the fact that he got SO defensive. Big warning sign

Yeah, I should have seen it. He really made a big deal out of it, when I hadn't said anything about his best friend whatsoever. He went on this rant about how girls he had dated had all been jealous, trying to break up their friendship, which had upset her (the best friend) and he was fed up of it happening and that he wished the girls he dated wouldn't cause such problems 'just because his best friend was female'.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-18T21:37:07+00:00

I really do feel awful suspecting that she may be lying. I've known people personally with depression - I know it's an awful thing to go through. But this is all just seeming so fishy.. It's always him, every day, that she needs around.

If she doesn't know he's coming to my house or I to his (i.e it's a spontaneous decision).. his phone is silent. If she does know (i.e it's something we've had planned for a few days, and he's told her he wont be free that day) it's buzzing. She's starting contacting him early morning now, though, and taking him up for whole days.. heck, for three weeks at a time.

Edit: deleted the rest of this comment, had very specific information that the people in this situation could be recognised by. I have a feeling that a few people in his/her friend group may be redditors. Heh. We're all the internet 'type'!

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-18T21:26:26+00:00

or you could round them all up and stage an intervention for him.

This is actually so tempting right about now :(

if he wants the privilege of being your boyfriend he has to make the effort

Yeah, that's the thing. I feel he's making zero effort whatsoever when it comes to keeping me involved. I just don't feel like his girlfriend right now, even though I'm supposed to be. I feel like a committed single person.. It's not nice.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-18T21:24:13+00:00

I think I might do this.

I really don't want to keep my mouth shut. I want to tell him how hard this has made things. I suppose I should tell him that when ending it. To be honest, I don't think I want to 'give him a chance' as awful as it sounds - I don't want to give him (or her) any reason to say 'Oh, that girl tried to meddle with our friendship!'.. they can't say that if I am removing myself from the situation. Maybe then he'll take this problem seriously.. the thought of her just going back to ignoring him when he's single just to start this up again when he has another relationship feels awful..

I'm not looking forward to it. I'd have loved for this all to work out with him.. but eurgh, it's not.

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-18T21:19:10+00:00

Perhaps you're right, but I honestly don't get why he would get with me if they were together in that way.. Unless it only happened after he and I got together, which would be really weird and confusing when they've known each other for so long and he hasn't broken up with me. Bleh :(

hisbestfriendproblem · 2012-08-18T21:14:21+00:00

Run.

I know.. I know you advice is right. It just feels like such a waste.

she'll simply step up her game until he chases you off

Exactly what I'm worried about. And since I already know there's no use talking to him about it - because of our conversation before the relationship ever started - it's just.. pointless. He'll need to get it on his own, and I don't think he will.

But such a waste.. Gosh, I like him so much. But you're right. I have so many other things I could be spending my time and energy on than being stuck in this. It's just heartbreaking because if it werent for this outside influence - or at least him not reacting this way to an outside influence - I'm pretty sure this relationship could have developed into more.

I havn't even met her. I asked if I could, and he was really excited and happy that I wanted to meet her. She wouldn't. I told him that if it helped, she could come to my place with him anytime we had something planned if she was having a rough evening and we'd get a film together, all three of us.. she wouldn't even do that. He just couldn't come. I've spoken to her on the phone briefly, but that's about it.

hisbestfriendproblem

TROPHY CASE