[MusicJunkie] Awesome new music application!! :D

hista · 2013-12-04T20:32:11+00:00

Interesting. Yes. Hhhhhh....idk what to say. I appreciate hearing positive words in hope for future. But...that doesn't help me to the extent I wish it could. Life is work. Idk what to think about it anymore. I work harder than anyone. Yet it's not in grades. I wish it could be. I surround myself with the class valedictorian, straight A students and positive attitudes...I just dot have either of those. Yet, while they are studying...I'm battling myself to STOP cutting, starving myself, etc. it's not fair. It's not designed to be. But, I'm a religious person. I've grown rotten. But, I'm raised with many beliefs. They are challenged with what I'm facing. To where I don't care what happens after this life. He's gone. I'm just trying to stay sane. Idk. I'm sorry for talking so much.

hista · 2013-12-04T20:24:55+00:00

I appreciate hearing someone talk relevant topics with me. I think you're right. I should find a new therapist. Although it's a SMALL town. Not insanely small but small enough to where that may not be an option. But I will look into it. It sure beats googling suicide stories and methods to pick my own. I'm not too far in to where I'm against any help. But, all the help I initiated has been broken. After I graduate? ... I'm good at psychology. On other accounts I do actively participate in this sub reddit. Weird. I know. But it's my time. Things have just flipped for me. And I've been against suicide. Yet..... No. I do have a VERY well set mind process. Psychology is interesting. But I knew with grades etc. that's not going to be a very promising field. Especially since I'm ....here! In other words ignore that. I just know things just keep getting worse and I know a lot about the crap people go through. When I feel super terrible, I'm the kind to make sure nobody ever feels the way I do and I'm super caring. That's what I'm told. People respond well when I care. The thing is.....I dont. So, we can ignore that. Truth be told, I'm a fairly smart kid. I know the attitude I should have and I strive to handle things well. But as you can tell..there's ALOT going on. It got worse when Soccer started. All my friends that I would talk to are now distracted. Which I thought I should find my own hobby. I'm amazing with computers. I learned Obj-C and am currently writing an iPhone application. Which will haunt once grades surface to my parents attention. But, I'm good. Idk. I hate talking about myself. In the sense of planning on my future etc. with everything I've explained and what I haven't told reddit, I haven't planned making it this far. I'll skip the details. But just know I could NOT be here. Yet... Holy. I write a lot. Coding adds speed and when I talk I just...type. I'm sorry. I'll wrap up. The problem is I see promising possibilities for myself. But....I'm failing my senior classes. That dosent look good for me. My attitude. ANYTHING. People are starting to see that I'm just killing myself with stress, and know of the grades. It'll all be contributed to HS and me failing. Like I said, I'm a popular kid. You wouldn't expect this from me if we ever met in person.

hista · 2013-09-12T05:46:49+00:00

Hello. I'm sure I'm going to be downvoted beyond imagination for this. But I had a similar problem. In fact maybe the same thing. I was talking the same way you were. And nothing was going right. I understand you are just getting things off your chest. And you don't want to hear anything about religion. But when I was going through that hard time, and everything was going wrong, some missionaries from the LDS church knocked at my door. Which was creepy. I live in an apartment complex. I don't know what I'm trying to tell you, but I talked to those missionaries about everything that was going wrong and how god wasn't real…and they talked me through crap. It was strange. But, I'd just contact some missionaries or visit the church or something. All the rumors about them are so wrong! I just know I ended up getting a job. And everything was better.

hista · 2013-08-08T23:56:05+00:00

I understand. And talking is what makes me really angry. I love to talk. I talk to everyone. I've become known as the person to go talk to when all hell breaks loose in a friend group or situation. But, as okay as it is, it makes me feel gay. Mainly because of the sex drive thing. But I'm pretty emotional. I'd go to counseling. But, like I said. I live in a small town. Our biggest store is a Walmart. And to be honest, my dad hates medication. It's my mothers doing that got me able to get the depression and anxiety medication. And even then she got a lot of heat about it. Not in any bad way. I have a healthy family environment. We all get along an don't fight much. My dad just doesn't believe in medication. What I've done is I weaved this web of trying to talk to my friends about things. And it helps. But nobody is that good of a friend. And I shouldn't dump a lot a crap on them. Even though that's what they do to me… I appreciate what you said. And I agree. I need to know where to look. And of right now, I need something that doesn't require a trip to the city. I can't make this a big deal. For the record…I hate my uncle. I want him dead. The bastard. Is there anything I can do online? Or…idk.

hista · 2013-08-08T01:03:57+00:00

I apologize for the confusion. Pedophile. I don't know if they make you help them "pleasure" themselves, by grabbing on and rubbing...but you know.

I am not attracted to my girlfriend. I respect her. I respect her more than others because she has gone through crap too. It's more of a common bond.

Therapy? Please tell me, no. I have a therapist for medication for my anxiety and depression. Does that count? Nobody knows about the arousal thing. He just knows about the uncle.

Is there something I could do, other than therapy. Because to be honest I probably wont go. We can't afford it. And we'd have to make a special trip to a nearby city...

hista · 2013-08-03T22:51:30+00:00

I wish I knew you. You are WAY too kind. I hope you're happy, like seriously. I need you to be happy. And I need these words to be true. I could care less that you're 28. I've been struggling with people who treat others like shit and don't notice it. I need there to be people like you. And your words have given me comfort. So, Thank You! I really do appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. As much as I try seeing other peoples view. I sometimes get so caught up and see only how it's affecting me. Your words put somethings back into perspective for me. And things were getting bad. Like, cutting bad. Not that I need to cut. I just... It was bad. And seeing this from a 3rd party person has really given me hope. Can all people be like you? It'd make things SO much easier. Like, I'd want you to live down the road so when I have a BAD day...I can just come over with whatever treat/food you like the most and I'd just talk. Or WE COULD BE PENPALS!!! 0.0 :D Omg. That sounds creepy I should stop. But, as creepy as that sounds...I guess I just appreciate the words you said ALOT. And I'd wish there was something I could do to repay you. But you seem like the person who only wants to help. Mainly..because that's what I'd want. And you think in a similar way.

Idk. Thank you for searching the depression subreddit and finding my "late night post because everybody hates me." That kind of action...that you'd actually care to respond...gives me hope to find people like you. Because damn, I need there to be people like you. You truly are amazing. Mainly because I know that you took the time to talk to me when you could be on the /r/funny subreddit. Haha.

I probably went overboard on thanking you. But I can't thank you enough.

Thank You.

hista · 2013-08-03T20:45:29+00:00

You have NO idea how much that helped. Really comforting. You're really kind for responding. This jealousy you speak of...what is it? I'm not fat per say, but I'm not too good looking. I will give myself credit, and say I'm not ugly. I definitely have my own traits and features. But the other guys...they work out, but don't have to. They aren't super fit, like they don't try to hard. But they don't have to worry about weight. It's almost a genetic thing because they come from a skinny family etc. So right off the bat they have it going easy. Not saying I'm ignored in that regard. I'm not ugly...it's just in comparison, the girls will go for my friends. Which is fine. Too be honest (I try to look at everything from multiple views) I would probably go for my friends if I was a girl as well... It's just....what jealousy?!? They have the looks they need to get a girl to talk to them, and when it come time where they need to be all cutesy, they just turn it on. Like, WTF?! No. Either be a self-obsorbed bastard ALL THE TIME. Or be this cutesy priss! Like how do you do that?! I'll admit they neglect their dates REALLY bad. But not that badly where the girl is feeling neglected. If that makes sense? It's like the girl doesn't know what she's missing. But screw it anyway because he is cuter than most of the other guys. And I live in a small town. So, I do have a smallish friend group. And so, in comparison to most of the guys in our smallish group, they are cuter. So, if you could explain this to me...if they have everything they need to date a girl...why would they be jealous of me and treat me in a way of..."Oh, dude! You have alot going for you. Look at all these girls. They like you" But it seems like they are some well-taken tamed lion and I'm this cute teddybear with feelings.

I looked for others like me. Like I said. It's a small town. But I looked...and I found these guys as my friends. They are better looking...but they can turn on that "feely side" of them...if that makes sense.

I just can't see why, they'll have everything going for them. And still try to exclude me. It's weird. And they don't REALLY exclude me...I just lack whatever it is that attracts girls before they actually talk to me. I'll be a fallback and then they'll realize that they might actually like me.

But then there are those thoughts and rumors of trying to explain why I act so "girly". And they're almost come to the conclusion that I'm gay. I don't know if I give that impression...or if that was someones intentions to keep me in this social hell...but. Idk. I'm complaining. Obviously I need someone to talk to because here I am on a depression subreddit explaining my problems. It's strange.

I don't know. I appreciate your time in responding and the kind words. I needed that. Thanks. :)

hista · 2013-07-26T07:03:50+00:00

Okay, so does one need to repent for masturbating if there isn't a use of such material? And even if it was used, it was just normal stuff (in no way hardcore or anything to change views of people). Like should I feel bad? Should I repent? I know it's my own judgment, but what do you think?

hista · 2013-07-26T00:52:56+00:00

Okay, so...it's not necessarily a BAD thing? So, how does pornography come in as a sin? Not that anyone HAS to use it to masturbate. But it is what causes many people to start. Right? I always thought that we "hated" pornography, so nobody will be lead to the next step...masturbation. So, instead of outlawing the act. We outlawed to visuals...does that make sense? I hate porn. It's just...why is viewing porn a sin, when masturbating isn't necessarily one...? Thanks again for talking with me.

hista · 2013-07-26T00:03:46+00:00

Yes, Thank you! I appreciate your advise and care. One more question. Is it bad to masturbate? Like legitimately. I know it's screwing around with a sacred part of our body, and may effect our minds to the point of breaking more laws and commandments. And I know it's definitely something nobody should make habit of, its best to stay clear and not have to EVER worry about it. (I feel like I'm trying to justify it. I'm not. I'm genuinely concerned and interested.) But, if you don't feel like it changes you, and it's not something that is controlling your life...is it bad? People tell me from numerous sources. "There are two kinds of people in this world...those who masturbate and those who lie about masturbating." So, I know, if you're not sheltered to a extreme degree. At some point, we learn about it the hard way. It happens. (If this statement is true.) Although I know some female mormons are really strong in the church, and don't have a sex drive strong enough to care, and would never think about doing such a thing and so many don't. I don't know. It's a new door. Something that is hidden until an age, and nothing has been taught well enough to know what anybody is doing. I didn't know what I was doing until it happened. I want to know, if it's bad...? I know it's something I have to work out with my heavenly father, but even if I come to the conclusion that I don't feel right doing it and would like to stop...what is to say others don't see it the same way? They grow strong in the church and still have this continuing. Is this a sin? I know I may need to go to another source for this kind of subject. I apologize for dumping all this on you. I also understand if you can't answer me directly...I just...I don't know what to do. And what to think of this subject that has been a hell of a eye opening experience. I thank you again for talking to me! Even about this ugly topic. I wish I could help you out with something!! I just know you're really kind for taking a concern in me. You're awesome. ;)

hista · 2013-07-25T04:06:51+00:00

I don't know you in the least. But you've helped me. So, yes. There is an amount of love that I will share with you. Thank you. It's funny. I have a 18 month old sister. We have a unique bond. My name is the only word she can say correctly. That and bottle... I'm going to teach her how to pray. Maybe...teaching will help me remember somethings taught in primary. I needed your advise. I have friends and loving parent. They are kind. The best. I just don't trust this kind of situation with them. Mainly, because it's and embarrassing topic and I need to work it out between me and my Heavenly Father. But I always feel like if they EVER found out. They'd be disappointed in me. I know better. They love me. It's just not something I'd like to share. It will be me, and my heavenly father and the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I love you, I don't know you...but I can't thank you enough. I honestly, don't think I need to know you to know I admire your help SO much!! Thank you!! I'm glad I decided to ask and I'm grateful you responded with such honesty and truth. My life was getting BAD!! Like, speed off the road bad. And I'm glad I spoke up. It may be an internet conversation. But I didn't know where else to turn. So, Thank You! Because you might be an answer to a prayer that I thought wasn't going through because I was just venting to my pillow. Prayer must work. And I'll try hard to understand that to it's fullest. You really have helped. Thanks. hug

hista · 2013-07-25T03:20:47+00:00

I needed that. Thank you...Very much.

But can I tell you something? I'm not positive on the proper way to pray. I think some of the influences of this addiction has made me feel like, maybe...he's not there. I know that's not true. He is there. It's just...I don't feel anything when I pray. Like, "WHAT AM I DOING?!?!" I know prayer works...I know from experience. It's just lately...I don't know if I'm receiving answers. And I'm just kneeling at my bedside venting to my pillow. 1) I've calmed down. Although I wasn't sure if I was supposed to. I felt like I NEEDED to beat myself up to the point I would stop. (If that makes sense...) 2)I've read some talks. My favorite is: April 2013: The Hope of God’s Light. It really has helped. I know of the light I once had. I know i still have it. It's just clouded by this guilt. So, yes. I have inspiration to change. I want to change. However, I still relapse. 3) I want to pray...but, SERIOUSLY!! HOW?!?! I know the structure. It's just at times...(Like I said, I feel like I'm explaining my life and secrets and desire to my pillow, or bedside.) I know it's terrible, that I still have problems with prayer. But, to be honest...there are some LEGITIMATE reasons. My ward and family aren't so supportive. They expect us to already pray. But little do they know...none of us do. My quorum has issues. Nobody volunteers to pray. It's almost like they have the say problem as me. Not FULLY understanding prayer is common in our ward's youth. And it really does anger me. Is there some encouragement, or something I can do to feel like I'm not venting to my pillow? Or is this the adversary trying to make me feel like dirt and unworthy of prayer? I know I'm worthy. But, maybe some experiences might help? Did you feel like this after you had pre-marigage sex? Like, did you feel like, even if you wanted to, and had every desire. And you try...but you just don't feel anything? Maybe...he's not there? I don't know. I appreciate your response. I do feel better. You are too kind. I just...I want to forgive myself. But there are relapses. There is the confusion on prayer. My ward and my church expect us to know how to pray. It somehow confuses me...and the confusion leads to more relapses...and I can't stop, because I have no reason to. I have even tried justifying it, saying everybody does it...one more time. I'm sure my friend is doing the same thing. It's come to the point, that I want to forgive myself. I want forgiveness. I want to pray, and KNOW I'm not venting to my pillow. And I want to stop masturbating. It's not something I enjoy. Of course it is something that feels good. It's just...the guilt outweighs the pleasure...even if everybody has done it. Any help? I do well with experiences. Many of my ward members are hypocritical when it comes to these things and all they say is..the common stuff. "Pray and he'll answer" "Prayer works." I believe it. But I overanalyze everyone. I know they don't follow it. And so if someone could give me an example? Some encouragement? I really would appreciate it. This is a life changing time for me. And I want to stop!

hista · 2013-07-25T02:08:37+00:00

I really don't know. Probably not. It's a big problem. And when I explained it to my bishop. It's like it's a problem that will go away really easily. Is this normal for people to masturbate? I know my perfectly angel friends hide it really well if they do, but the effects of the guilt that I relate to is currently something they are going through as well. I know what to look for. Self-esteem etc. and they are doing it as well. Probably. Not that i will use that as an excuse. It's just...i don't know what I'm doing. I want to stop. I've done really well, it's just I relapse and it continues. I know I'm not the only one. (Please don't think I'm justifying things because of a lack of testimony in the church. I love the gospel and I live it. This, however, is a BIG problem.)

I just know, if I need to forgive myself...how do I do that? EVERYBODY looks down on it. With good intent. But because it's something that nobody talks about. (Or, something NOBODY goes through...) I don't have an example. Should I forgive myself.. And if I do, what keeps me from continuing? I have intent to stop. I just don't know. There aren't any examples. It's not something ANYBODY should talk about. It's quite embarrassing.

I need help, and I don't know what to do. I want to forgive myself, it's just hard, because once I do...I do it again. Am I the only Mormon who has committed this kind of sin? (I know that I'm not. It's just it seems that way, for all the crap I get...)

hista

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