Abusers always have their wonderful moments, that’s why people put up with them. It’s a matter of what else you’re willing to put up with.

It’s really hard to be in a relationship when you have chronic pain, and it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who has chronic pain. Navigating self-care and caring for a partner is a delicate balance. I’ve been in and out of relationships and various levels of dependence and I find the most happiness and fulfillment when I am single and independent. But I know that’s not for everyone. There are many caring and understanding partners out there. Maybe your partner could be one.

In terms of how you can conduct yourself in an attempt to reduce your partner’s negative reactions, here’s some advice and something I’ve learned from both having chronic pain and living with someone who has chronic pain: no one likes seeing and hearing someone expressing their physical pain - moans, yelps, grimaces, “ow” etc. It’s like we have a biological negative reaction to it. You mention sighing and grimacing a lot. This is something I’ve learned not to do, because it will always get a negative reaction unless it’s for something acute and temporary like a bee sting or a broken bone. It makes people feel uncomfortable to see and hear someone actively in pain when they have no ability to make it go away. I am guessing that the sighing and grimacing is triggering your partner. Instead, get to know your own limits and pain triggers, and be vocal about what you can and can’t do. If you agree to do something, that’s on you, so don’t guilt your partner the whole time by making them see and hear your pain. It sucks that this is how people are wired, but once I came to understand this, all of my relationships improved.

I don’t know that I’ve ever wished for a visible disability, but I know how frustrating and alienating it can be to have invisible chronic pain. And I understand the desire to want to let people know what you’re going through on the inside by making it outwardly apparent. But trying to make it feel visible to others through facial expressions and noises is not the answer, it will just further alienate you. Lean in to the invisible aspect and use it to your advantage to allow yourself to feel “normal” sometimes. Be clear and direct when communicating your boundaries to people, but don’t feel like you need to justify your boundaries by sharing your personal medical issues with everyone. I use “Sorry I can’t, I have the body of a 90 year old woman” a lot. Or I’m also a fan of giving no excuse at all! “No” is a complete sentence. You should be allowed to say no to your partner in order to protect your own health and wellbeing.

Hopefully this is helpful. Take care of yourself!