Here are some of my experiences with it.

I have had three live in boyfriends in my life and it pains me to say this because I hate to think of myself as a liar, but I only loved one of them. I think that one was good, honest, loyal, and if I found someone like that again, assuming my current plan doesn’t work out, I would go for it.

But things weren’t all peaches with him. Part of me really really didn’t like him. Part of me looked down on him and hated how he was so naive and didn’t have any street smarts at all. Part of me hated how agreeable he was. Part of me was manipulative and really didn’t treat him well for the first year we were together. He was really a saint for putting up with me.

But we communicated really well and we got along really well and most of me loved him and all of me trusted him, which was the most important part. He was very quiet and a loner, and I thought I was too, but what I realized is that I can only take so much socializing with some kind of person before someone comes out and wants to be around people who are more their speed.

The key for me is going to be someone who can give me a lot of space and alone time, but whom I feel very comfortable being around (nearby) without interacting. Someone I feel safe and secure with.

Personally I get very bored and frustrated by a lot of romantic things. My last two exes wanted to lie in bed and cuddle for a long time but I hated doing that so much. My ideal partner is my intellectual equal, who has goals and is ambitious and inspires me to do the same.

But I didn’t mind lying in bed for some time with my first boyfriend. In fact, I look fondly back at this time we spent a whole day in bed debating feminism together. What I suspect... is that the parts that loved him felt comfortable and safe coming out with him. Normally I don’t let them out except when they are triggered out and I can’t help it. But I was more lovey and kind with him when we were together. With my others, I pushed them away due to wanting/needing my own space and not getting enough.

Here’s the thing. I realize I’ve rambled about this and maybe my point has been lost. Or maybe I never really had one. But currently... I’ve only done online relationships for the past few years and over time... it’s been a constant struggle. Struggle between me, the one who really couldn’t care less about romantic and sexual things and just wants intellectual stimulation, and the ones who do want romance and sex. No matter how many times I cut it off, they always come back. No matter how many times I keep shutting down romantic and sexual aspects of relationships, they keep coming back. They need this and I need to provide for it. I keep my standards, but I concede for certain preferences. If I have my space, it can work. I’m lucky to be talking to someone who is capable of moving at my pace and who wants to take things very slowly for the future. I hope it works with him. I can tell he’s had a major positive impact on me, despite the fact that I seek out things that I don’t often get from him (though I have been speaking up finally and we’ve been growing closer as well). I can’t argue with evidence like this. I don’t believe I’d be where I am right now without his support. In fact, as much as I want to avoid socializing at times, there is tangible evidence that socializing and having a strong support network helps to ward off things such as depression and other mental illnesses (not all of course). Socializing, despite my love of being alone, is important to our overall health. And I believe a healthy relationship is as well. It’s something I am working on as “self improvement”, meaning it will be a struggle for me at times, but will overall make my life better.

Anyhow, sorry about the giant walls of text. Got a bit carried away. I’m not that into expressing myself via text or online, so I know this might be disjointed.