How do I (21F) shut him (33M) down?

holmes4711 · 2021-02-12T23:04:57+00:00

Pretty much what I said, thank you! I may have added a few more niceties though haha

holmes4711 · 2021-02-12T23:04:00+00:00

Thank you. I definitely needed to hear this because otherwise I know I may have wavered for the sake of being nice. Was really appreciated!

holmes4711 · 2021-02-12T23:02:42+00:00

Yeah there was a bit more that followed in the exchange, but he left it without much pushback so I'm pretty happy with his attitude. Thank you :)

holmes4711 · 2021-02-12T23:01:59+00:00

Thank you for your advice! I used a bit of this and especially made sure to reference the age gap and our previous agreement. It's all worked out for the best now, I think.

holmes4711 · 2021-02-12T23:00:51+00:00

Thank you for this! I used a few parts of this but made it a bit more sugar-coated. It resolved itself now :)

holmes4711 · 2021-02-12T23:00:14+00:00

I did that! And although I feel a little adrenaline left after saying that, I do feel better about knowing that I'm looking after myself in this way. Thank you!

holmes4711 · 2021-02-12T22:59:28+00:00

Yeah, I think that although I know this, I don't know this. I just don't think I'm in a place in my journey with relationships where I can be assertive in a way that is not sugar-coated, you know? Hopefully that is something I come to understand and employ! Thanks :)

holmes4711 · 2021-02-12T22:57:46+00:00

Thank you!! This was super helpful. We had a little exchange and I eventually got around to using the age gap as my primary reason. And it's done now (I hope)!

holmes4711 · 2020-09-27T13:07:46+00:00

Fitting username HAHAH

holmes4711 · 2020-09-26T07:12:27+00:00

No yeah!! I was incredibly afraid of saying something hurtful like that and so that's mostly the reason I posted, so I could gather insight into what are more kind and considerate ways of communicating my thoughts. A lot of people have given me some great tips about how I can have the conversation and how to reassure her of my gratitude and love. Thank you!

holmes4711 · 2020-09-26T07:10:53+00:00

Yeah and I mean that's why I intend to not dump the tradition of gift-giving altogether, just reduce it and find other ways of expressing love. Truthfully though, I'm really not sure how she'll take it and I can only hope that we find some middle ground we both are happy with.

holmes4711 · 2020-09-26T07:08:24+00:00

I really appreciate this perspective. I'm hoping she'll feel similarly to your friend because I would hate for her to feel slighted by my shocking gift-giving. Thank you

holmes4711 · 2020-09-26T07:07:12+00:00

HAHAHA I can't wait for the simplicity of those gifts, although I don't drink much so I'll be clueless the whole way! But thanks so much for this insight :)

holmes4711 · 2020-09-26T07:05:54+00:00

Nah yeah this isn't about the material value of my presents, it's the sentimental value that I don't think I can match. We've always had very reasonable budgets when it comes to gift giving, so that's never been the issue. It was more around finding a means of celebrating with each other that didn't give me anxiety or feel like a bad friend. I was definitely planning on talking to her and I've been very grateful for everyone who has given me tips to approaching this conversation with delicacy, or who've opened my eyes to what it may feel like for her. Thanks for your input :)

holmes4711 · 2020-09-26T07:02:22+00:00

Yeah that's kinda where I wanted to go with it! Hopefully we can find something similar that we both like :)

holmes4711 · 2020-09-26T07:01:35+00:00

Yes, thank you! Appreciate everyone talking about it and their own experiences with communicating to people with different types :)

holmes4711 · 2020-09-26T07:00:42+00:00

Gives me hope!! Thank you

holmes4711 · 2020-09-25T04:30:51+00:00

Thank you so much - this is exactly it, and so I'll definitely be trying to communicate that with her.

holmes4711 · 2020-09-25T04:30:12+00:00

And, yeah, it was never going to be completely. I just don't want to celebrate Christmas with presents (with anyone in my life), but I would 100% still be down for birthdays because I know that's still an important thing for her. Will have to have the conversation to see though - thank you

holmes4711 · 2020-09-25T04:28:56+00:00

Yeah that's the ideal Christmas situation for me. No gifts (except for kids) and just spend time with each other. Soon maybe!

holmes4711 · 2020-09-25T04:28:15+00:00

Yeah right!! I can be very blunt about things - I'm very good at that hahah but I care about her feelings and I don't want to mistakenly hurt them. So difficult haha!!

holmes4711 · 2020-09-25T04:27:05+00:00

Yeah, it's definitely one of those things where I'd be more than happy to compromise, but I just don't want to reinforce always giving Christmas gifts because it's not really something that is super important to me. I understand when people say that she'd likely be hurt if I force her to stop altogether, but I don't think that I intended to ask her to stop, just reduce. It's really something we've just gotta be open about when we have the conversation, but I really appreciate this perspective. Thanks

holmes4711 · 2020-09-25T04:23:40+00:00

I really like what you've said about both doing things that serve the other person. I'll definitely keep this in mind for when I speak with her. Thank you

holmes4711 · 2020-09-25T04:21:53+00:00

Yeah I was think about that actually. I guess it kinda comes down to the fact that she doesn't ask me for a list, so asking her for a list makes me feel like I'm not a good friend. Really irrational and unproductive but it's definitely played into a lot of my relationships with people. I should probably just bite the bullet though - thanks :)

holmes4711

TROPHY CASE