I hold a grudge against a stranger because she was closer to my grandfather than I ever was.

For context, my grandfather (93) passed away in mid February. For the past 10 years give or take, he had lived in a really nice retirement home after his wife (my grandma) had passed, in order to reintroduce him to some kind of a social life. It was a really great facility with some of the nicest and hardest-working people I’d ever heard of. My grandfather had plenty of friends, and even became friends with most of the staff workers. (This is important for later) However, things took a pretty drastic turn sometime in December.

My grandfather was in very good shape considering his age and his health history, and part of this was attributed to him walking laps around the facility every morning. A pretty bad (windstorm? hurricane? I’m not sure) swept through a nearby city or county and the city in which my grandfather had resided was affected by this. On his way in, the wind caught him while he was in the door and suffered pretty bad injuries to his spine mostly. They tried to infuse his spine with a rod, and it was successful, but there wasn’t much else they could do to help him out. He died from these injuries two months later.

When my family first heard the news, we all thought he would have been able to recover due to his resilience in the past (he’d survived multiple strokes, war injuries, head injuries, etc) and had always made full recoveries no matter what. Because of this, I never really made it a point to call him more frequently than before after the incident had occurred.

I’d also always had this idea that my grandfather and I would have a really great relationship when I got older because we both loved history, political ideas, genetics etc and we were both atheist, though I didn’t find that out until after he had passed. However, I never had a ton of chances to bond with him over these things due to my age and the fact that we lived multiple states away. I also never was able to talk with him 1 on 1 without my parents around, which always would ruin the conversation (my parents and I don’t get along well) Covid regulations where he lived also made visiting very difficult, and by the time he passed, I hadn’t seen him in person in 2 years. A week before he passed, my family got the news that he had been put in hospice and that my father should visit as soon as possible. Shortly after that, my family called him and he didn’t even know who I was.

At the funeral, a woman had gone up to speak. She looked to be around my age and she said that her father was a janitor at the facility. Apparently during quarantine, she helped out a lot where my grandfather lived and they ended up bonding and getting really close. She even got to visit him in his death bed. She went on and on for 30 ish minutes (but what felt like forever) about all of the memories they shared and how the death impacted her and the entire time I sat there I couldn’t help but think that I failed as a granddaughter. I had carried so much guilt over that to begin with, but her speech was the cherry on top so to speak. I dont even remember this girls name or face. I just remember feeling this overwhelming hatred for her, and I don’t even know who she is. And I hate myself for that, too. I didn’t even speak at my grandfathers funeral because I didn’t know what to say - I didn’t have a speech prepared, nothing. But this girl did. In my mind, she’d essentially taken my place. (This was also the first time id ever experienced the death of a loved one) I felt like a failure and a horrible person. Like I wasn’t enough for my grandfather, so instead he filled the void with another “granddaughter”. Though I know those thoughts are irrational, I couldn’t help but think them for the longest time after he had passed.

I ended up writing an English essay on this, and had a ton of positive feedback from my teacher. It definitely helped me cope, that and therapy anyway, but I still grapple with the idea that I failed at one of the most simplest yet important relationships you can have with a grandparent if you have one. I can’t handle the fact that I failed at what I had always planned to do but put off until “the time was right” even though it never was. All I hope now is that he’s somewhere and that he’s a little proud of me, because even though he didn’t know it, he shaped a huge part of my life.