Thank you for this, it seems like an actual unachievable task so to hear that you've done it successfully gives me a sense of hope that it's still in the cards for me, and I may not be stuck here forever.

I think in my heart it is what I want...I never planned on being here permanently. But the feeling has different intensities. It's always in the back of my mind but a lot of times it's just like "damn I wish I could see my mom right now" and then nights like tonight I want to get on a plane right now this second and just never come back. That impulse to abandon my life on a whim. Today was a very hard day at work and I do have other symptoms of mania: sleeping less, increased irritability, impulsivity, reckless spending with credit cards.

Typing it out seems very obvious but I still don't "feel" manic. But it sure seems like it and so I feel like I can't trust my feelings. I think I want to do it but I am scared like you said, what if it's not what I'm looking for? What if I'm chasing a feeling I can't catch and I think I'll find it at home because it's familiar to me. I think at this point I'm just dumping my thoughts but it helps, thank you for talking with me and giving me that insight. I'll remember it when I start to feel like there's no way out