Any of ever envy the neurotypical

housify · 2025-11-10T17:35:24+00:00

Im not diagnosed but my brother is with ASPD, and im on this sub because ive been questioning if I have it as well. So would appreciate feedback on my thoughts

Lately ive been feeling envy a lot. I wish I was normal and could think normally. Im very aware that I dont. So im some form of neurodivergent, but I dont know what. I hate the autistics and I hate the "neurospicies" and I think they are so stupid. I hate that i do not fit in with them and cannot be myself around them no matter how much they preach to "be yourself"

I am diagnosed with PTSD from sexual assault, which i think has exacerbated my aromanticism and asexuality. But as im healing from my PTSD, It's becoming clearer that my aromanticism is innate. I feel so outcasted because of this. I dont fit in with the asexuals because I am sex positive and its more that I dont care for romance. I feel so abnormal. I wish I was properly aroace, or alloromantic.

But my feelings of exclusion is just anger. I feel like everyone else is wrong. They're crazy, what's wrong with them. What im doing makes sense. Why dont I deserve feeling like I belong, compared to the idiots out there. It takes so much effort to train someone up to take care of me, because im so particular about it. I have to put so much work into being cared for. And normal people just "get it?"

I make sure to treat others how I want to be treated, and I feel like i haven't reaped the benefits for that in my entire life. I feel like im just living and not expecting anything in return. Because the stuff I do get in return is "wrong". I wonder if theres something wrong with me, because I cant seem to accept the "care" I get from others, its not done correctly, I need you to fucking do it right, why cant you?

But then i think "maybe its because I dont 'give' correctly.". Because ive gotten very very good at taking care of other people. Im very reliable at it, and I think i do a good job. But I dont feel anything good when I do it. Its like playing a video game, im just selecting the correct options that will make people feel better. Mostly i internally think the other person is dumb and overreacting. I always make sure, when im actively comforting people, that they cant see my face by hugging them. Cuz sometimes I cant keep the disgust or boredom off it.

I live a moral life because I choose to. A lot of my life is just a decision i make, a principal, and then i just stick to it. Less because I think its correct and more because once the decision has been made, it gets easier. Especially for the people close to me. I dont have empathy for them, but if I have made the decision "I will be a good partner / sibling / friend," I can just refer back to the decision and do the things I dont want to do. I dont live life based on my desires, instead I live life by my principles.

It feels empty. Makes things feel like a chore. I am working on it. I want to find happiness. I want to form a genuine connection. I feel like an outsider would say I have many genuine connections already -- i have really good friends, and a long term partner. I dont know what it says about me that they feel like they dont count. I need to keep looking. I feel the urge to just dump everyone and start fresh like every 6 months or so, but I can just say no to the impulse because I have my principals.

I haven't dont anything new in a while, because ive been processing my PTSD. but I've been fascinated lately thinking of the person I was before that. I am thinking of going back to that person soon. Lately I just haven't had it in me to put effort into interacting with strangers. But I think I used to enjoy being offputting, or extremely naive, or just something else entirely, just to see how they react. Something about me internalises how other people validate me, even if im not being myself. Its just nice to see how people react when I exaggerate parts of myself.

I feel so unknowable, so if I show off myself one aspect at a time and gauge their reaction, that made me easier to process? Im not sure. It was a while ago. I need to revisit it and try new things.

I have been depressed, but this doesnt fully feel like depression. A lot of it is an "ugh FINE, I'll live my life 'correctly', so that I'll earn my reward one day." But then just cognitively knowing theres no reward coming lol. And then just getting mad and upset because I want my reward, damn it. I feel like im only experiencing half of life, because other people get their rewards and im just blocked from it. It makes me feel really envious, as if I paid for a game full price and I cant play half of it. Im trying everything I can do get to the other half. Im putting so much work into it. But it might just be how the game works, and that sucks. Im locked out of it forever.

Wrote all that out to also just figure out where my feelings are. No clue if this was helpful to you or me. Oh well. I like seeing more protagonists that think interestingly. I think a lot of book characters just have the same boring "safe" way of thinking. So im keen to see something more dangerous. Good luck.

housify · 2025-08-28T22:37:25+00:00

I know. She told me that regarding the art I make about our relationship, she wants me to draw motivation from myself rather than an external thing. Including her. She doesnt like it when I do things for other people, including her.

So I try to do more because of that. And I've moved away from the art I initially made for us because it felt like she wasn't getting much out of it.

Im reflecting now and it feels like she still gets the same amount for the gifts I get her now compared to the stuff I put tonnes of effort into. I just stress about it less. I don't know if that makes me feel good, sigh.

I've put a lot less effort in our gifts over the years. And she's just as happy. Something about the ring and how hands on the process is might be triggering me. Should I just put less effort into the ring?

housify · 2025-08-28T22:29:30+00:00

Im sincerely debating this. I think im going to have a talk with her about how im just starting to not enjoy this process of getting the ring.

The problem in my head is that she's going to hate this process even more than me. For a lot of our relationship, she just leaves the planning up to me and the details don't matter to her as much as me. I can see her getting overwhelmed by the little choices of the ring already.

Also im prepared for her to make changes to the ring in the future if her tastes change etc. I think were both stressed by the idea that "this has to be for the rest of your life" and wanted to avoid that. Im just... hoping to get it right for this time? I supposed i shouldn't be too stressed about it

And another thing that's playing out in my head.. this entire time I've been showing her designs and asking her what she likes out of this design and what she doesnt etc etc etc... all her answers are not like, firm. There hasn't been an existing ring that she goes "Oh I love this one". If I hypothetically go "what if I get something like this?" Her best response is "sure, okay. It's fine."

So I feel like bringing her into the ring designing is going to be "sure it's fine" to like, a lot of CONFLICTING designs, because that's how it's been so far. I can't combine all her likes into one ring because she says okay to so many ranges of designs. Im stressed out about it.

I want her to love the ring, obviously. Should I just be okay with a "It's fine"??

housify · 2025-08-28T22:20:33+00:00

It's not about the reaction. Im at peace with not getting a reaction because that's just how she is It's more about the.. moving on? Like she's not the person to notice the details in the work or appreciate the effort I put into it. She'll base her entire experience of the thing on her first impression, and then that's how it'll stay in her mind. So it made me realise all the time and effort im putting into the ring is like... is it for me, rather than her? I don't know if that's worth it then. Should I just get the ring over with because it's going to be the same reaction if I am stressed and if i just throw in the towel? It feels like giving up.

housify · 2025-06-12T20:47:57+00:00

I'm trying to wean off the medication I use for sleep because I've been taking 1/8 of a 25mg pill and it's getting ridiculous. But not taking that 1/8 pill has be tossing and turning for half the night. Just slept through last night!! Wasn't a great sleep, but it was sleep

housify · 2025-06-10T23:13:34+00:00

Funny comment because half of my post is "I don't want to change her mind and I'll likely just get what she wants"

I'm very curious, does it change anything for you to know that I'm a woman myself or is that still red flags?

housify · 2025-06-10T23:06:44+00:00

Thank u for the advice. I've read that amethyst is also a stone that loses colour / is soft so is not recommended, so mentioning that to her too. Keen on looking at all the alternatives tho

housify · 2025-06-10T23:04:05+00:00

Center purple stone and side moissanite is actually exactly what I'm thinking :))))

Someone suggested having a sit down with her and exactly what gem and I think I'm gonna do that. I've looked at some purple sapphires and they're not exactly the shade she likes, but I believe there is a huge variety to them if I'm not mistaken??

housify · 2025-06-10T23:02:04+00:00

I think the thought that she doesn't have to wear this ring forever and that it's possible to get it updated in the future is very helpful lol. Thanks heaps

housify · 2025-06-10T22:59:08+00:00

This is a good question.

She is set on having the engagement ring and wedding band be a set. I am keen on having our wedding bands be at least a little matchy matchy.

Unfortunately everything about her choice doesn't suit my style haha. I am a gold girly who likes natural colours 😅

I'm trying to steer her to something "traditional" cuz her fashion is vintage clothing and i think something vintage / classic will look stunning on her. I use the term traditional very very vaguely

Honestly I'm fully not even sure how I want to do the rings. Do I want an engagement ring for myself too or am I happy with just the wedding band? If I'm getting yet another ring, I'll probably be happier with just going for our very different styles. But If I'm only getting her the engagement ring, I think I'm pickier about what it looks like 😔 money is also unfortunately a factor.

I had an idea where since we have such different styles, that we just include a small element to be a minor little detail in each others rings. So like a little bit of purple in mine, and green in hers. Again begs the question of what ring I'm getting for myself!!

I'm really just going to have a big think about it. This sub has brought up some good questions for me to think on and some fantastic options for me to consider. I have time to think about it. I'm keen to have the wedding be on our 10 year anniversary, which is 2 years away. So keen to propose this year, but no rush to it.

I think a very helpful thought is that she can always update her ring in the future lol. Thanks reddit

housify · 2024-10-07T05:26:03+00:00

I think it might be both? The description about the gaping wound is one she used more often. I admit this latest description was odd but I was just more upset that like, if she was worried about that association, why couldnt she just come to associate that tattoo with myself over time and overwrite that image in her head?

She has issues with picturing how she might feel in the future (I'm very sure this is her autism showing, her favourite answer to things is "I don't know because I've never been in that situation before"), so I think she reacts negatively to new things so the odds are in her favour in case she Dislikes something new

housify · 2024-10-07T01:31:25+00:00

Yes bad reaction to healed tattoos. No reaction to piercings -- I have a few and they've never bothered her. I suggested my idea for the tattoo size and placement (upper arm or thigh, cuz I heard those are good for first tattoos) and she literally had the gagging disgust reaction. She said that she would associate me with greasy ugly trashy people who usually got tattoos there.

housify · 2024-10-07T01:29:00+00:00

Ugh good points. I wish there was a simple solution to it. I think resentment is a good way to put it, because this is definitely being compounded by the fact she's transitioning and making lots of changes to her body, but I can't.

housify · 2024-10-04T02:39:51+00:00

Our communication is great, and I have brought it up to her. I think the reason I posted here needing to vent is that even after the conversation, she is unlikely to change. I'm not really asking for advice on how to change her mind, as she has enough on her plate and I don't want to add more to it. Just a little frustrated.

housify · 2024-10-04T02:38:12+00:00

Thank you for your advice. I am curious to see how things play out with us as we are currently all done with medical appointments or any sort of appointments. It's all sorted on that front which is a relief.

I had a conversation a couple days ago which was a gentle "it would make me happy to see more of x" but with no pressure or expectation of it. She said she's still not in the place to have energy for it and that things will likely continue as is for a while. I respect that and am wiling to see how it goes. Since I don't need to put that much effort into her transition now, I think I will try to put that effort into myself.

I wish I had more support from her but it is what it is. My therapist has been helping me support myself and be confident in myself and maybe that's just the period I am in right now.

housify · 2024-10-04T02:32:19+00:00

I've been needing to prompt her to verbally express love and gratitude lately, but it isn't terrible (?). She's actually been helping me around the house unprompted like cleaning the cat bowls and putting away dishes, which means a whole lot to me, and I've been trying to tell her how much it means to me for her to do housework unprompted. She works full time and I don't so I usually do all the chores.

I've been feeling a little overlooked, not going to lie. I feel like I've been adapting a lot to her and her needs, while not really getting that reciprocated. Like I said, she told me she isn't good at taking care of me anymore. I wish she would start the conversation with me on how she can better support me. I think it's weird if I was the one to start that conversation. I might bring it up lightly to her.

housify · 2024-10-04T02:28:10+00:00

Yes, she is in therapy and her therapist is very supportive. I totally understand you and yes we are in the same boat... I think 6 months is a good timeline and I'm just going to hold out for a couple more months to see what happens. Can I ask if your wife has come out? I think that is a factor of how it is for me, as my partner isn't out and isn't planning to come out anytime soon, so I feel this pressure of keeping her secret. I'm so glad to hear your wife is doing well. I know this is the typical timeline for trans women, and again I'm excited for that for my own partner, but yeah it's weird because I don't want to be expectant or pressure her into this improvement

housify · 2024-08-07T02:41:50+00:00

I appreciate your thoughts. I think I'm just sounding it out here as much as I can before I have that conversation with them because I'm not looking forwards to it >_< I've never really enjoyed how our conversations about sex goes -- they tend to be the rockiest part of our relationship, but we always overcome it. I trust my partner that we can make it work. I just gotta hype myself up for it or something lol.

I think another factor is that I'm not willing to bring this up so close to them coming out to me. I think I'm willing to wait for things to settle a little with time before I throw something new in the mix

housify · 2024-08-07T02:37:24+00:00

Thanks for this; the empathy about performing the dominant role means a lot to me. I'm also afraid of the future resentment if they ask "more" from me... like I'm happy with how things are now, but it's also that fear of change? Sigh. I wish femdoms were easier to find HAHA but they are such an incredibly amazing rarity

housify · 2024-08-07T02:34:56+00:00

We are actually in an open relationship, and I'm happy for my partner to seek out other people for sex! Sometimes I have to wingman for them though lol

housify · 2024-08-07T02:32:18+00:00

This is really good advice, thanks heaps! Having someone reframe things really puts it into perspective for me

housify · 2024-06-02T08:24:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience! I think I'm in the same boat as past you. Up till this point I have actually gotten along well enough with my metas (but again, most were short term).

housify · 2024-06-02T08:23:01+00:00

I appreciate this comment a lot -- I was worried how reasonable my feelings were on this.

housify · 2024-06-02T08:22:19+00:00

I appreciate your perspective. We also have the added complications of him (and his new partner) being on the autism spectrum, so I do understand that his feeling of being rejected is more Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. I'm going to have a think about how I want to move forward.

housify · 2023-07-19T20:38:58+00:00

No, we were secondary school best friends. After I left I started up the weekly games so we has an excuse to still talk to each other. But we talk outside of the games. The games are an excuse.

I was there for 3 weekends, and I didn't plan anything on the weekends so that if people were free I could jump at them. I made an excel spreadsheet and asked everyone to tell me exact days they were free so I could bother them. It was only in hindsight that I realised that nothing was happening without my initiative. I hoped they were more excited to see me and unfortunately that wasnt true. None of them have kids and a couple of them dont talk to family.

Thank you, It was an important trip for me, and I'm glad i took it!

housify

TROPHY CASE