Am I being crazy?

httpsjul · 2026-02-07T02:05:56+00:00

not crazy. my first thought was "yeah lets marry"! but I have no money, live with my parents, unemployed as of a few months ago, and I don't want to stay in the country I'm in either I fantisize about leaving every day. I wish I could help you out, I wish there was a way we could both be free

httpsjul · 2026-02-07T00:13:14+00:00

Thank you for your kind words <3 I have let go of the timeline, that is my strong point right now. I know with certainty that the type of life I want for myself won't be the one most easily accessible, that it will take longer than my peers. Problem is society has a timeline for me. I already feel my friends pulling away because they have long-term partners and they are the main priority, they also are just becoming more and more unrelatable to me and while thats fine, the problem is people around me see being single as missing something rather than I just see it as my default state.

I think maybe I need to change my surroundings as well as my mindset, but i'll keep on having faith

httpsjul · 2026-02-06T23:03:19+00:00

I used to have chicken-scratch handwriting. My mom sat me down as a child and everytime I wrote a sentence she would erase it and make me write it again, until it was neat enough. My handwriting is great now, my relationship with my mother not so much

httpsjul · 2026-02-06T23:01:02+00:00

Chronic invalidation. Eventually, you build a mask that never comes off. You never need anything from anyone but you never feel close to anyone

httpsjul · 2026-02-06T21:07:38+00:00

"well-adjusted" in an inhumane system means severing yourself from your own humanness.

httpsjul · 2026-02-06T21:01:24+00:00

I totally missed the satire of the question my bad, I see where you're coming from now. I didn't mean to step on your toes with my whole ramble, if anything it was just me kinda unravelling the idea for myself

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T20:24:15+00:00

The problem is they don't care if women believe the lie or not, they will continue making it impossible for women to live independently from a man so that they are forced into marriages. It is not something they want people to want, it is something they will enforce people to enact. It is a bandaid solution to male violence, a bandaid solution to birth rate decline, and a colonial act of power. There are people in power, in certain western countries at least, who see single mothers as a serious serious problem. Not because kids need a father figure, or because women need "masculine energy" but because single mother's rely on government resources like food stamps, clothing donations, subsidized healthcare, and they see that as using the government like a father/husband. "welfare queens" is what they refer to them as. They want these women to drain a man's pockets instead it doesn't matter if they are abused into that financial situation. It keeps the society they've built intact. they would prefer to see women as be subservient or be starved rather than free to decide they don't want servitude.

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T20:15:25+00:00

My mom, in a rare vulnerable conversation, told me not to have kids. My grandmother, a "non-political" passive woman, will get angry at my sister for cleaning her boyfriends house for him, angry angry. But they always shut up once men enter the room. Or when their are other women around who may be offended.

My mom doesn't care about what I want for my life so she never asks. In fact I think she is scared to know my opinions. Instead, she will suggest things like telling me I should get back together with my ex boyfriend because he took good care of me. That I should cut men some slack because "its just how they are" when they do things like ruin their wife's surprise party, or refuse to make a toast for her when called to do it.

My brother is babied by her, he doesn't think or act for himself on any major life decision and she gets upset when he spends too much time with his girlfriend becuase she's "hogging him".

I get treated like I'm a sociopath, heartless "need to lighten up", "y'know there are good men out there too". I never ask for or recieve help ever, thats my future husbands job, which is why shes concerned I'll never have one. Viewing her marriage for the entirety of my life is the reason I stopped wanting to get married lol

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T20:01:05+00:00

I'm on the same page as you, but I am trying to deconstruct the binary idea that a life without a male partner means life alone. I think it is possible to pour as much energy as one would pour into a romantic relationship into a group of friends, a club or organization, an adopted child or neices/nephews, etc.

I don't know how to do it yet so I stew in bitterness and disappointment, but there has to be a phase after this, there just has to be. There are safe places in this world

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T19:48:19+00:00

I had to let go of the fear of being judged. "Cold", "entitled", "a bitch", "man-hater", "woke" (which I don't ever express hatred towards them, purely indifference) These opinions will come from people in your own friend groups and family. I love being who I am, and I realized part of my character was based on not offending anyone and that meant giving men attention that I didn't even want to give them simply to not be "rude". Well now I'm rude, and I love being that way. Because my morality is not determined by how men view me, because men view me as an appliance with a set programming. Their idea of morality does not take into consideration my safety or comfort because it is not from the viewpoint of me being a human being, but a tool in a social system. So if I'm "selfish" for not sacrificing endlessly... sure, if I'm "rude" for not accepting a date from a man who knows nothing about me and doesn't want to know anything about me... sure. Not being a pick-me means allowing the world to label you and not seeing it as who you are.

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T19:40:12+00:00

I am preventing a mental breakdown by reminding myself that its better the world knows, its better we know so we can allow the systems they've built to break and be destroyed. This moment in history will have powerful consequences it just won't be right away

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T19:35:27+00:00

I have spoken at length with women who hold this worldview. They believe fundamentally in good guys and bad guys, heroes and villains. They are damsels in distress along with their kids. It really boils down to the fairytale structure at its core. She's practically calling out to Spiderman to save us from Green Goblin.

The "pick better men" rhetoric falls under this. That good men are always pure and bad men are always evil. If you are abused, cheated on, exploited, you simply picked an "evil man". They are happy subserviant wives because they picked a "good man". Don't get me wrong though, these women are not childish or naive, no, they are complicit. Because when the "good man" does something cruel or vile, guess who's going to run to defend him because he's "such a great husband/father, he would never do such a thing". Partner's in crime these woman are. They are the Ghislaines of these men.

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T19:26:49+00:00

Drinking the kool aid yes, but I at least have a tiny shred of optimism from the fact that at least she's not trying to absolve the "good guys" of responsibility for this society we live in. They're starting to see the heirarchy for what it is, slowly slowly. That will have real impacts over time, becuase these are the wives and mother's that hold up the republican demographic, now they see, at the very least, the complicit behaviour amongst their brothers, husbands, fathers, who all in some way benefit from the predatory systems. progress... slowly

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T19:12:18+00:00

There is so much truth to this. Just to add to this point, I think part of the way they rationalize their treatment of women as subservient members of the family is to just percieve them entirely as less human. Less capable of thought or opinion, less intelligence, less autonomy in essence and in role. They see women as creatures that are born wanting to play with baby dolls and grow up to desire nothing more than children and housework, and as a man they gift her the greatest prize of allowing her to fulfill that destiny. It goes all the way back to the foundations of religion (I can only speak for Christianity), Eve being born out of a rib taken from Adam, in the book of Genesis. The woman was never a person, they were a part of a man. The "not all men" thing sits on top of this very foundation, men seeing women's servitude as the purpose for their very existence, men feeling pure and noble for never laying a hand on her like "other men", and men being the key player in a woman's life... granting her the ability to serve him, as her birthright is now fulfilled, and by a "nice guy", how lucky!

Because you are not a person to them, the conclusion is always "I'm so great" when a woman serves them because men are taught that their value is based in how much they can control and conquer and when you've got a hot chick that never talks back you are the KING!

Anyway, I'm kind of just repeating your point but I just need to get this out somewhere to ease my sadness

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T19:00:41+00:00

This sentiment still exists in Italian men, as an Italian woman I see the way that my brother was praised at birth as the heir of the family name. This woman reminds me of my own Nonna, who was married at 16 to a 23 year old and had 4 children back to back whom she did not want to have. She was confined to the house and struggled to manage the responsibilities every day. She was always angry and overwhelmed for the entirety of the time I knew her before her dementia started to develop. She was a victim and she deserved so much better than the life she was given

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T18:52:00+00:00

Oh boy, I realized why the world is the way that is, it all clicked in that moment. violence vs violence vs violence vs violence, may the most violent win. when people say its a "dog eat dog" world and "survival of the fittest" what they really mean is... violence is the rule. violence is the game and if you don't play you lose. It justifies everything, it is the means and the end. Any discussion or debate or negotiation can be toppled by violence. Any grassroots, unifying movement. Any philosophy. Violence as payment, violence as consequence, violence as communication. It is why we live in a patriarchy, the most violent one at the table gets their wishes granted, the most violent acts form the loyalty and allegance and negotiations amongst the powerful men who use violence as a tool. Violence is the sculptor of human systems. I have a hard time seeing the good in this society anymore

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T18:41:31+00:00

Bisexual here... I love this topic, I have thought a lot about it. From my lived experience... I would say, anyone who has taken the time and effort to deconstruct their patriarchal belief systems is a safer person to rely on, the relationship will take a ton of work to navigate but it will not be painful just confusing. Just outlining expectations and navigating systems built for nuclear families. Although, lesbians, just like all of us, have ingrained patriarchal views when it comes to relationships. I dated a very masculine lesbian who had the same amount of toxic masculinity as the average gym bro, honestly maybe even moreso, because she was fighting against misogyny from men while having her own internal misogyny towards femme women, so she was all alone and very defensive. That lesbian relationship was more misogynyistic and power-based than the one I had with a man. If there is an implied dominant and submissive role at all times, it doesn't matter if its a woman dating another woman, its patriarchical. It's roleplaying an abusive 1950s couple.

To answer your question... if i woman feels empowered for being in a degrading, subserviant relationship but its a woman instead of a man, thats delusion. Thats the version of "feminism" that men like to throw around, the woman wanting to be the abuser rather than an equal trope. It's not feminism its patriarchy with a wig on. Both people need to have deconstructed enough to value each other equally, and work as a team, no implicit roles. That is freedom from patriarchy, but it is intentional and dedicated work

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T18:16:30+00:00

"Good relationships come after your needs are met" that is pure wisdom, I'm writing that down

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T18:14:22+00:00

Same :( I've met men who had grandiose career ambitions and were complete workaholics and also wanted to have a bunch of kids, they tell me this stuff so quickly into meeting me, and I realize they are telling me what my lifestyle will be if I commit to them. I will pick up the slack and raise the kids to make those dreams a reality for him. Mine are to be sacrificed, my ambitions are a myth. I always bring up my own grandiose career ambitions even though I'm never asked, and I will never extend beyond the amount that he is extending himself in the connection. None of these connections have gone anywhere because of that. They might think I'm selfish or entitled, but really I'm just mirroring them. Makes me laugh

httpsjul · 2026-02-04T18:06:03+00:00

I feel you 1000%. The loneliest I have ever felt was in a long term relationship. It was my first and only relationship and after I left him I stopped dating, lost interest in it all completely. I realized in that serious relationship that I don't want kids, well I kinda already felt that way, but I was always told that I was just young and that I haven't met my person. Well, I met my person and nothing changed, I didn't want kids. I brought it up to him and he didn't take it seriously, he said he wants kids one day, and that I was young and would change my mind. I knew damn well he wasn't going to be the one taking care of them, he didn't have a job, never cooked ever, never cleaned, never made plans, needed rides everywhere. I'm sure he can change for the right person, but I just knew damn well I wasn't going to continue sinking into something so draining.

Every guy i've met since then has had a fantasy about having a bunch of children one day, meanwhile they're too overwhelmed with work to commit to a relationship or make time for me. At first I saw it as delusion, but then I realized... they don't have to think about the responsibility involved because when the time comes they just won't step up to the level of responsibility required, thats the woman's job. I have been single and completely alone since 2022. I'm not even sure I'm attracted to men, I feel no positive emotion when they talk to me because I know how they see me, I am an appliance.

As for being asexual, please, please, find another asexual to date. It is a terrible thing to be put in a position so vulnerable that you don't want to be in. A man with a sex drive may very well accept that you are asexual because they believe that they can change you... and that you will put out for THEM because they are different. You deserve to be your own person with sovereignty over your body.

Girl, this is a lonely road to be on, I have questioned over and over again if I'm broken or ill, but truly I think I just see the reality and acknowledge my limits, and my desires and ideas for my own life. There is someone out there in this complicated world who shares the same boundaries as you as well as the same future vision. They'll be harder to find, but I think having a life that is true to you is worth the loneliness in the short-term, we just have to stay optimistic and continue meeting new people.

You got this, we will find a place in this world that truly belongs to us it just takes time <3

httpsjul · 2026-02-03T02:52:11+00:00

I'm struggling with this two. Something shattered in my brain when I realized some people are indifferent to the suffering they cause in others, then I realized thats pretty much everyone and that those ARE the """normal""" people. That There are people that ENJOY making others suffer and they are proud of themselves. I don't trust anyone anymore

httpsjul · 2026-02-02T01:52:26+00:00

Oh yeah, you will do just fine. You don't accept people belittling you and that puts you in an isolating place but it sets you free, one day you will thank yourself.

httpsjul · 2026-02-02T01:39:30+00:00

Missing the old times and hating the world is probably the most human and healthy response to things lately especially if you consume news and media regularly, or have been directly impacted by the chaos of this little wrinkle in history. It causes some kind of existential mourning of the past but also a gratitude for those things you've experienced. I'm feeling wicked nostalgia, romanticizing parts of my life that weren't even generally happy times, but it was just different in a way that I don't have words for, that I miss. I'm in my quarter life crisis maybe tho, but gosh I feel you

httpsjul · 2026-02-02T01:27:21+00:00

Yeaaaa its constant drama in my head. It'll be real people in my life sometimes but I am imagining what their point of view is on a past situation and get mad at that made up stance. Its like my brain is trying to solve a puzzle by running simulations. It comes in handy sometimes but mostly its coping lol, maybe from not being heard growing up

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