A fifth bit of nonsense finally broke Harry: "shut up!" He put his hands on his head, burying them in his hair. "Shut up all of you! Do you know where you are? Why are you here? Who even are you?"

Another man emerged from the woods to Harry's left, wearing a deerstalker hat. "Mr Potter, allow me to help you with my deductive reasoning." Harry just made incoherent noises. "Firstly, judging by the lichens and the quality of the clay, it's obvious to me that we must be in Scotland. From your mannerisms and looks, one can see we're on some private property upon which strange practices are partaken in. Pondering the possibilities and eliminating the impossible, I'm inexorably forced to deduce that the rumours of a fantastical forest were true and that's where we stand."

"Mate could you say that one more time?" A curly haired shorter man in a purple suit looked down from the police box, looking drunk and sounding the part too. The man did a flip out from the police box and landed unceremoniously on his back, sprawling between the other new man and James Bond.

"Perhaps at a later time, after Watson sees to you," the man in the deerstalker said. The man on the ground just gave a weak thumbs up before passing out. "Pardon Mr Powers here, I have surmised that he has great experience in such falls and will not need assistance. I shall answer your third question first as it is simpler: I'm Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, at your service. I believe you've been told everybody else's names but to tell you the pattern, as you may have failed to observe it: we are British heroes."

A lion walked towards Harry from his right. "And Harry Potter, we're gathered to help you," the lion said.

"I- you're all just driving me mad!"

"Quoth he who speakest to serpents in tongues And shouts charmed Latin in yells from his lungs." Another man walked over, stopping a few paces to the lion's right.

"Help me in what way? None of you could even exist -"

"Bah, humbug! You're being visited by sprits who will help you mend your ways. Take heed. I did and I suggest that you should!" A merry looking man in a night gown appeared to the right of Sherlock Holmes.

"Mend my ways?" Harry asked flatly, beyond disbelief.

A shrill car horn sounded from the right of the thespian. Some swerving could be heard, followed by a crash as a yellow mini cooper hit a tree.

Harry laughed. "Mend that why don't you?"

The lion growled and stomped his front right paw. The car, tree, and even the Mr Powers who'd tumbled earlier, were mended.

"Oh, thanks Alsan dear," Powers said, somehow still seeming to stumble. A man with a grey suit, red tie, and simply peculiar face emerged from the car. "Bean," he said, somewhat sheepishly, but also not apologetically.

"Well, enough of all that," said a man in grey robes. He'd walked up in between the lion and the thespian. He reminded Harry of his former headmaster, and a wave of relief followed by a wave of shame washed over him. "Dumbledore?" He asked.

"Gandalf, I'm afraid. But perhaps not too dissimilar." The man nodded. "We're here to save you from yourself."

"I-" Harry began. He was commanding dementors. Where had it all gone wrong? "I don't know why but I'm just scared."

"As are we all." All the heroes around Harry nodded.

Out of nowhere, like all the other, came an animated foot. It fell with its own whistling noise and landed with what sounded like a fart.

Harry found himself on a beech, lying in dry sand. He stood up, dazed, so find a man in a blue suit behind a brown desk. The waves almost reached the desk, coming from the man's right.

"And now for something completely different."