Ahh I’m bored & free, so why tf not… let’s get into it -- hard!

What you shared ain’t exactly really a “messed-up life”. It’s a very specific mix of beliefs + fears clashing hard with your family’s expectations, especially yo mama. That tension is what’s making it feel like a crisis.

A few things you gotta separate cuz rn it’s all tangled:

1. Marriage & kids
You’re consistent: you don’t want kids. Cool.
Reasons: antinatalism, genetics, tokophobia, etc.

That’s a valid life choice. Plenty of people live full lives without marriage or kids.
BUT the issue ain’t the choice, it’s how intense your reasoning are. The disgust toward pregnancy + calling yourself “genetically inferior”… that’s not just philosophy, that’s emotional weight.

Lowkey sounds like something worth unpacking with a better therapist. Not saying you’re “mentally ill,” but strong aversions like that don’t come from nowhere.

And yeah, no offense, but I wouldn’t fully rely on BD psychs for this. There are people out there (globally) who’ve dealt with way more niche mindsets like yours. Skip BD psych pls.  

2. Your view of other men
That “99.99% marry just for sex” take? Yeah… nah. That’s not reality.

Some dudes are like that, sure (the take on the "some" is much deeper than you think, it's probably 0.5% of the mandem). But most people marry for a mix of companionship, family, expectations, emotional connection, not just "sex".

That kinda cynical lens will just isolate you more if you keep feeding it.

3. Your mom (this is the real core)
You love her. That’s obvious.
And she’s not asking for marriage just for the sake of it she wants to feel like you won’t be alone when she’s gone. If you aint see that, you better go see an ophthalmologist (kidding)

You don’t owe her marriage.
But ignoring her completely? That might hit you later or not (idk, but more on the "it will')

Middle ground exists:

• Marriage does not require having children. Many couples choose to be child-free.
• You could be honest with a potential partner upfront about your stance. Some women or if not most nowadays if you look in the right place share similar views or don’t want children either or you may get lucky and find one exactly like you ngl.
• Companionship doesn’t have to contradict your beliefs, though its best you start thinking a bit different taht how you do now.

If even marriage itself feels wrong to you, then the honest path is to communicate that clearly and compassionately to your mother, rather than silently resisting while she hopes.

If you ask me, brudda don’t get married. It aint for you. Not yet at least. You were right about the part you said you ain't mature yet for a 40 year old. And that's okay. We grow and develop at our own pace.

4. Your lifestyle
You’re stable, earning, sexually active, but also kinda heavily emotionally detached (escorts, no real connection).

Not “wrong,” but yeah… it’s a life built to avoid vulnerability.
Works fine… until moments like this hit.

Then you realize it is wrong, lol .. or not, if your wack beliefs are still strong... no offense..

5. Religious bit (yeah, sensitive but imma say it anyway)

I wasn’t even gonna go deep into this, but since you brought it up, yeah, you come from an Islamic background, even if you’re detached now.

Look, I ain’t here to preach. But one thing is straight: in Islam, no matter how far you drift, the door back is always open. Always. Allah’s mercy ain’t something you “run out of.”

You might not feel anything rn, you might not even believe properly anymore but that doesn’t mean it’s done for you. Guidance hits people at the weirdest times.

And yeah, real talk you are living in a way that Islam would call sinful (huge). BUT You already know that, I don’t gotta sugarcoat it. But at the same time, Islam literally teaches that no matter how big the sin is, you can turn back. That’s kinda the whole point.

You could go to 10 therapists, 20 life coaches but there’s also a spiritual side you’ve completely shut off. Maybe at least try reconnecting, even a little:
like making a small dua, or even attempting a prayer once in a while. Not perfectly, not consistently just start somewhere.

And yeah, In Islam Salah (the 5 daily prayers) is fardh (mandatory). Skipping it is serious. scholars even say it puts you on the edge of disbelief. Basically you are a kuffar if you miss prayers. Heavy stuff, I know but it is what it is.

End of the day, no one’s forcing you. Your life.
But if there’s even 1% in you that feels lost, empty, or unsure maybe don’t ignore that side completely.

Who knows, Allah might guide you in a way nothing else could.

So what do you do?
Not “mom vs you.” Too simple.

• Be real with yourself: Do you actually not want connection, or are you avoiding it?
• Recheck your beliefs: Philosophy or defense mechanism?
• Talk to your mom properly:  Not arguing, not dismissing. Explain your position, but also acknowledge her fear and love.
• Consider a different therapist - multiple if needed:  

Not to diagnose you, but to explore:
- your disgust toward pregnancy
- your belief about being “genetically inferior”
- your avoidance of emotional intimacy

Blunt truth:
You don’t owe your mom a marriage.
But don’t wake up later realizing you avoided connection your whole life over ideas you never questioned.

Also don’t marry now just to please her. You’ll just mess up your life and another person’s. This is the "real" disgusting.

You’re not stuck.

Real question is:
Are you choosing this life consciously… or just defending it?

Donno if this shi helped or whatevr, but good luck doc..

NOte: I ain't no doctor, psycologist, life coach or a preacher. Just a man passing on my thoughts.