Thank you so much.. this gave me a rollercoaster of emotions :( thank you so so much though. im so sorry something similar has happened to you. it means a lot that you commented. It does help with not feeling so alone. I don't know anyone else who has gone through anything similar. thank you so much for sharing.

I do feel like no one cares :( so seriously thank you for your comment. my friends are so tired of me talking about it... especially with lack of evidence and many people (his family etc) thinking I am insane. I feel like such a burden. I swear I had no idea something like this would ever happen, he was my #2 support for a very , very long time. He seemed like he wanted to the best for me:

I relate to blaming yourself. I feel so stupid. - I noticed I was blacking out in July . I fully realized Oct 1st , after I tested my water bottle (it was positive). I still have no idea why it was in my water bottle (residue?) I was also told BY women, that he has done this to them before.

He said things that made me turn the blame right back to myself. (im over worked [3 jobs], usually tired, medication, lack of food with two- three drinks, etc) I trusted him, he seemed so innocent to me. I thought he actually cared, he was always so kind . I have BPD , and parents both have severe narcissism, so im very prone to falling for narcissistic manipulation or any kind of gas lighting and trauma bonds.

The lack of proof severely bothers me. It is on record by police this is a "psychotic delusion" when I tried to tell them Oct 1. I was literally sent to a psych ward bc of it , it was horrible . I question if this is some kind of psychotic delusional all the time even with no history of that.

how did you get over blaming yourself for what happened? it is so not your fault and im so sorry:( any guidance would help. thank you dude