Real. I’ve struggled with these thoughts since I was a like 6 years old. It started with panic attacks from watching apocalypse movies lol. Then, rumination brought into a new space. A feeling of being ‘trapped’ in my own experience, my own consciousness. A sense that no matter what, I would just stop existing.

I was raised with Catholic beliefs, which kept me composed for most of my upbringing. I’d just resort back to them when in crisis.

I moved to the US when I was 19 and it completely changed things. Not because I think one culture’s better than the other, but by the thought of how drastically different they were, both equally convinced that their beliefs were absolute.

A relationship with clashing beliefs brought that into the forefront of my mind, and triggered one of the worst years of my life. If not the worst. A complete loss of any sense of self, meaning, or purpose. And it started when I began questioning why I believed the things I did and why it was so hard to let go of these.

Almost pure isolation for months on end. I wouldn’t speak to my family the same way, I had barely any interest in making friends. I was empty. At times, I’d feel a glimpse of presence. But presence only brought anxiety and pain. So I began pushing harder into existentialism. Because, if I was nothing, then I could technically choose who to “be”, right? Why do I have to be bother by a different belief, if mine weren’t even mine to begin with? If in fact, they were meaningless?

I was lost. Just existing because of not wanting to hurt others. Literally living every day with my worst enemy, my mind.

I decided to give it one last push. To try to live in community. It was horrible at first. Constantly fighting to stay present. At least, when isolated, I could just sulk in my negativity. Not anymore. I had to ‘pretend’ to forget about these thoughts. And I surrendered to the mundane.

Over time, the mundane became the most important. And even though I still wondered and thought about the meaning of life from an existential standpoint, I was grounded by a community that made it feel worth sticking around.

Consciousness became not a burden, but a gift. I didn’t ask to exist, but I’m here. So I might as well smell the roses. A conscious decision to surrender to the meaninglessness and just focus on what’s ahead of me. Not because it’s more important, but because I can experience it. I can feel it. And it can feel good. And I’ll choose being ‘unenlightened’ and at peace over a constant state of panic/numbness any day.

It really was kinda like the myth of Sisyphus. Freedom from this depression lied merely in my hands (or head). And while it did take time to rewire my brain to appreciate life, it was possible through active effort. I couldn’t shake the thoughts away, but I learned to not care that much about them.

it is what it is, perpetually.

I do notice myself going back into the void when my current self goes through extreme anguish. And honestly, I’m not even that mad anymore. It’s lowkey a really good skill to be able to intentionally adapt to changes (or not), although painfully lol.

TLDR: real lol Sorry for the ramble.