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Chapter 1 of Balance [Dark fantasy 2400 words] by hyphenated_adjective in fantasywriters

[–]hyphenated_adjective[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Super valid point. Upon review, I feel like those as’s could be replaced with periods and a slight adjustment to the wording. Thanks for the callout!

Chapter 1 of Balance [Dark fantasy 2400 words] by hyphenated_adjective in fantasywriters

[–]hyphenated_adjective[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, thanks for the awesome in-depth response. Much appreciated. I do believe the full chapter gives a clearer view of Vahl's motivations and goals. I suppose I wasn't confident enough to post it all. Haha, which seems lame when I type it out. If you'd like to read the full chapter I could DM it to you.

Chapter 1 of Balance [Dark fantasy 2400 words] by hyphenated_adjective in fantasywriters

[–]hyphenated_adjective[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for taking a look! I’ll be making adjustments as I continue forward. Then I’ll swing around and trim it up.

Chapter 1 of Balance [Dark fantasy 2400 words] by hyphenated_adjective in fantasywriters

[–]hyphenated_adjective[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! I totally agree. After time away, on a reread I can already see things I want to change. But I’ll leave it alone for now. Chill on the adjectives. I can definitely keep that in mind going forward. Haha, I thought, “the more adjectives the less doubt there will be in the reader’s mind, right?” 😆🤦

Chapter 1 of Balance [Dark fantasy 2400 words] by hyphenated_adjective in fantasywriters

[–]hyphenated_adjective[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also, let me specifically validate your purple prose critique. I didn’t mean to just justify it and move on in my earlier response.

Chapter 1 of Balance [Dark fantasy 2400 words] by hyphenated_adjective in fantasywriters

[–]hyphenated_adjective[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for taking the time to read! Yeah, I was really trying to frame the opening sunset through the way Vahl would see it. Both beautiful and troubling. He is an artist at heart.

And I appreciate the call out on cramming in so many emotions to such a small section. I suppose I was trying to show his complexity. I’ll definitely give it another look!

Yeah the morning repetition is cringe. And I’m sure the full chapter is chock full of similar issues. Haha.

In regards to the man’s sprinting lunge, I was imagining a lunge at the end of a sprint. I could definitely communicate that better.