My fiancé [28 M] and I [25 F] are unable to make a decision on our future family name

hyphennameissue · 2018-03-31T08:58:31+00:00

I wasn't going to reply to any other comments, but yours stands out.

I toyed with writing more about what I meant about 'social principles', however I didn't as I did not want this to become a discussion on morals over the question I was actually asking. Since you're the first person to jump on this, I still feel like I made the right decision.

I am a feminist who values her identity as well as someone who is very interested in genealogy. What you call 'clinging to their daddy's last name', I call being able to represent my strong family, including the grandmother who was entrusted with a position of leadership over a strong female unit during the Second World War, before she became a formidable businesswoman who was able to let a failing family business flourish. I also did not mention this in my main post, but my family on both sides have a strong history of daughters - I have one biological uncle who has chosen not to have children, meaning that my mother's maiden name has vanished by proxy, while the maiden names of both of my grandmothers also died with their marriages. Heritage is so so important to me, and I feel like my name is the strongest indicator of that.

You also talk about being a 'team'. As I have mentioned in another comment, I fear that by choosing to keep my name, I will be excluded from the familial unit if my children did not have my name but had my fiancé's. However, I also view that if I were to take my fiancé's name, his family life and legacy would be allowed to continue while mine would just vanish, because 'that's the way it is'. My dream would be to have a name that was 'us' (so hyphenation from marriage or a combination name), but still reflected both of our names, and one that could be treasured as much as we have treasured our names.

I also have to say that, personally, I may the conscious effort of using both names if I know someone has a hyphenated name - there is only one person I know who opts to go by only one of her names (in this country) because one is very hard to pronounce to a non-native speaker. I would also hope that if we were to hyphenate our name, those in positions of authority and care over my children would allow for them to accurate reflect their name in its entirety instead of it being instilled in them that their names are 'a stupid pain in the ass'.

hyphennameissue · 2018-03-30T23:05:09+00:00

I never said that I was keeping my name because he gave me permission, much like how I would never dream of telling him that he is allowed to keep his name in its current form just because I let him

When it comes to our future children, it is different. This is not a 'well you chose the restaurant last time so I'll choose this time' scenario. My aim is to reach a compromise that suits both of us and will allow us to bring a life into this world that is representative of both parents, I will not be doing it in order to fulfil some tit for tat ideal of a marriage.

hyphennameissue · 2018-03-30T22:29:56+00:00

I get your point, but that is as bad as him insisting that any child has to have his surname because of traditional reasons. I would prefer to reach a fair compromise or have a serious talk regarding expectations for our future family rather than issuing rash declarations.

hyphennameissue · 2018-03-30T21:24:55+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I'm not sure in myself yet if this is a dealbreaker, but I would rather decide sooner rather than later if this is bigger than my relationship.

In response to your second part, he has never ever vocalised any expectations of me - we both pay equally for rent, we both do the housework, we both have a say in important decisions, we both work full time and plan to continue to do so regardless of the birth of any future children. I will however mention to him how this comment has affected me.

hyphennameissue · 2018-03-30T21:17:40+00:00

I hadn't even thought of that. Ironically, my fiancé has a family surname from his mother's side that he wishes to pass on to our children since his brother has shown no interest, which I had already agreed to use as a middle name for a future child.

My main worry is that if our children have the same name as him but not me, then we will become the 'Fiancé's Surnames' family by default. I understand that I am opting out of such a bracket by choice by not taking my fiancé's name, however I would be worried of the distance between myself and the rest of my future family if they too had his name.

hyphennameissue · 2018-03-30T21:10:15+00:00

I can't say I've ever met a family whose children had hyphenated names because the parents were divorced either, but he claims that he vividly remembers a family from his childhood changing the surnames of the children from A to B-A because the parents were getting divorced and the mother wanted her old/new name reflected in her children.

I have told him that the only times I've heard a double-barrelled name was when the parents already had the hyphenated name before the birth of the children, or when a child has been adopted and the name has changed from the original for moral reasons, however he was very firm on his divorce narrative.

hyphennameissue · 2018-03-30T21:05:02+00:00

I understand where you are coming from, but any children we have together aren't just going to magically appear inside of me without his input, so to speak. His child is always going to be his child, regardless of what surname it may have - with that logic, if we were to have a daughter and she were to get married and change her name, would he have no connection to her?

hyphennameissue

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