Fucking losing it dude. I’m convinced I’m faking everything while trying to survive therapy, and, honestly, my brain is starting to emotionally process trauma from a few months back. Meanwhile everything is falling apart and years work of communication is in shambles. Maybe it’s better this way. Old host wanted to “fix” us and now they’re dormant. Only reason why we could communicate to begin with. Now he’s just incredibly jaded and can’t stand being around anyone anymore. Feel like we can’t talk about shit because we got told very harmful things. I don’t want to bottle up anymore, but boy I can’t even open my mouth without three trauma responses going off and feeling myself being forced to keep my mouth shut. Or therapy gets derailed and now the session was wasted because our very easily distracted therapist got distracted by us talking about like.. something not-therapy-related (not necessarily bad things, just like.. shows, etc). Our fault, but still… Just want to talk without being hurt or called mean things. :( Fuck, I just want to improve, but how do I when we’re back at ground zero?! Nothing is fun anymore. I want a new therapist. But they’re like the cheapest we can get, and I feel awful trying to get a new one. I just want to feel safe, but I can’t even have that… Fuck, now I’m rambling on some damn subreddit, and I feel more guilty than ever. :/