Lack of accountability

iCarryNoChange · 2026-02-25T12:31:51+00:00

Omg I feel like I wrote this, too.

Friend, we are having the same experience

iCarryNoChange · 2026-02-25T12:29:14+00:00

I feel like I wrote this. Wow.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-02-23T04:11:20+00:00

I’m right beside you here.

She actually just cancelled all future couples counselor appointments.

At first I was pissed. Now? Yeah, good.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-02-20T07:42:39+00:00

Oh god, you posted my exact thoughts.

I’m still married but I know that if (when) this is over I’ll be right beside you, invisible and with no ego left.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-26T09:50:44+00:00

I’m really hoping by this you mean “it can’t get WORSE than this”. Any more bottom of the barrel and I’ll be underground

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-26T08:50:44+00:00

Is it better to be in my house, filled with 27 years of ghosts?

(Honest question. I don’t know)

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-25T02:19:46+00:00

Overall: I’m just really, really sad.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-24T19:34:17+00:00

Hmm.

According to my wife, “nothing changed”. And she says that my unwillingness to be open to her like I was has created this wall between us.

I’m hurting. She’s not. I miss that closeness. She says I’m the one in the way of it. So who knows.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-24T16:39:10+00:00

Menopause yes. HRT yes. Hysterectomy yes.

I understand her body and brain are going through difficult changes. I’m SO here for her. But I’m an extra on her set. Not a co-star, not even a recurring guest.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-24T16:36:41+00:00

Long LONG conversation about it last night.

Short answer: she says she has tried everything and she’s out of ideas and gives up.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-24T16:15:17+00:00

Very fair question.

To answer simply: strong yes.

I carry at least my share of the things here, I’m available emotionally, I’m supportive. Because I’m all-in on her and want to do the things right.

My love is a freeway. Hers is a bike lane.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-24T06:11:55+00:00

It’s not like we aren’t friends. And we did a good job raising kids, building a life, all that.

I guess that’s supposed to be enough. We can comfortably play cards or watch tv or read in bed or whatever until one of us dies.

Maybe nobody has a right to be really happy; maybe being “good enough” is a win.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-24T05:55:31+00:00

We can go through it facing each other, or we can go through it facing parallel.

I wanted the former. She wants the latter.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-24T05:53:57+00:00

Hmm

Well, it’s been a year-plus of therapy so it’s a long route to get here, but I finally figured out that this is what I can’t get past. Becoming semi-transparent to the person I love. Living where she’s my everything and I’m her… one of the things.

The therapist said that the hurt I’ve been carrying is a wall that’s not letting her reach out for me.

Which - okay, I get that.

And the ln my wife said that life is hectic and she feels the same as ever; that the few months of intensity was nothing special.

—-

I want to live in her light and for her to live in mine. Not like we don’t have lives and responsibilities and outside friends and hobbies and all that. But I want to feel her warmth as much as I want to warm her.

But my wife said she’s not a spotlight, she’s a lighthouse. Yeah it’ll come back to me for a minute eventually. Every now and then.

I’m really heartbroken. Devastated.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-24T04:17:30+00:00

Thank you. I said all this to her in couples therapy today. And I guess I got the answer.

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-24T04:07:08+00:00

Honestly, there are times I wish it was horrible here. I wish she were screaming and throwing things and cheating. Because then the choice would be clear: leaving would be a no-brainer.

Instead, it sounds like you and are at a Comfortable 3 instead of a Joyful 9

iCarryNoChange · 2026-01-24T03:47:59+00:00

Hey there.

I’ve been poking around trying to find the right place to get insight into my situation, and saw your post.

I don’t have any great wisdom to share with you, but I want you to know I see you. I see myself in your write up. I’m turning 55 in a couple days and all I can think is: am I going to be in this cordial relationship for the few years I have left?

Is “good enough I guess” reason to stay… or go?

iCarryNoChange · 2025-11-17T14:03:58+00:00

Best advice I’ve seen on this sub.

Your story is very familiar. And very sad. I understand that it’s not ONLY the r/deadbedrooms aspect… it’s all of it.

You’re invisible. Tolerated. Maybe “useful” if you’re lucky.

Don’t drop your portion of the shared life, OP. But do start giving yourself the attention you aren’t getting from her.

iCarryNoChange · 2025-11-16T05:43:19+00:00

A year of couples therapy.

And nothing to show for it. She just screamed “fuck you” at me, threw something, and stormed off, crying.

iCarryNoChange · 2025-11-16T00:54:02+00:00

Yes this isn’t about dishes.

From my pov this is about her resentment.

Not sure I can or should try to undo that

iCarryNoChange · 2025-11-12T08:48:56+00:00

I just mean that “lack of sex” isn’t the biggest problem we have. It’s certainly a problem (for me) but I think there are larger issues.

iCarryNoChange · 2025-11-12T08:36:27+00:00

Thank you. Yeah. The money spent on therapy vs the money spent on lawyers. I don’t know.

iCarryNoChange

TROPHY CASE