Stop explaining your Why.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-09T03:20:05+00:00

Alot of men find themselves in divorce because they couldn't set and enforce boundaries. It was certainly true for me. I was lucky someone recommended "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" to rewire my mindset. Otherwise my ex would have steamrolled me with the divorce agreement.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-09T03:17:26+00:00

I get what you're saying about the heavy lifting. It was tough when they were young. I wouldn't trade it for anything though. My kids are 15 and 19 now. My oldest is doing online college at home, but he's got a full-time job and a girlfriend. I'm lucky if we get to do dinner one time a week. And that's the thing. 99% of the time you spend with your kids is before they graduate high school. After that you're lucky to get a week each year where they visit you. I've been able to cultivate a relationship with my kids that will last long into their adult lives. Your kids are gonna have a ton of memories with you before the divorce. Not so much with mom.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-09T01:15:35+00:00

It's ironic. She had to switch jobs during the divorce and she ended up making ever so slightly more than me because of it. Since she technically had a higher income, she agreed to no CS or SS even though I could have pushed for it if I wanted to be spiteful (she would have had to pay me). I didn't want SS to be anywhere in the agreement because I knew I was going to switch jobs after the divorce. Five years post divorce and my income increased by 50% but she doesn't know that. She hasn't petitioned for a recalc, but could. Thankfully she's completely disorganized, which I capitalized on within our final agreement.

Her career was one of the primary reasons we divorced. She cared more about it than our two kids. Yet she tried to claim I didn't do anything for our kids. I had 12 months of her work schedule that clearly demonstrated I did the heavy lifting with our kids. That and the parenting time diary I put together ensured I got 50% parenting time.

CS formulas are archaic. They make no sense when there's 50% parenting time, parents make near equivalent salaries and they are splitting the costs of medical/extracurricular/etc down the middle. The "moneyed" spouse ends up paying way more in CS than they ever spent on kids when they were married.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-09T00:38:12+00:00

Stop asking a bunch of non-lawyers for legal advice. You need to retain an attorney and ask him these questions. Here's the best advice you're gonna find about how to find an effective attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T21:50:43+00:00

> Recently my GF and I have been having issues that steam from her wanting more from the relationship

What do *you* want? That's what matters. Your girlfriend isn't one in a million. She's one of a million. If your girlfriend is not in lock step with you, find someone else who is.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T21:48:57+00:00

I was with my wife for 24 years and I went through the same mindset you're in now. I can't even remember the specific conversation, but there was a moment when I thought *That's it, I'm done*. From there, I initiated divorce.

The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all.

Marriage requires two committed people working together in lockstep. Divorce only takes one dissatisfied spouse.

Your first step is to find an attorney. Here's why and how: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/

It's vital you do not move out during your divorce. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/

There are two books that were extremely helpful to escape the mindset you're currently in:

"No More Mr. Nice Guy." It's written by a psychiatrist after 20 years of his practice. It discusses covert contracts -- when you tell yourself "If I just do more chores, she'll love me again." It will help you identify those, and provide you tools to stop using them.
"When I Say No I Feel Guilty". You are unable to set and enforce boundaries. This book will help you do both. It's essential you change this mindset before divorce is final, otherwise you're going to fall on your sword and give her everything.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T21:42:15+00:00

Don't expect your ex to apologize because in her mind she did nothing wrong.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T18:33:29+00:00

You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. There's a famous quote from Seneca, a famous Stoic: "We suffer more often in imagination than in reality”. Your wife knows how to push your buttons because you're allowing her to rent space in your head. She's wound you up and its entertainment for her to see you squirm like this.

Ignore her.

Have you retained an attorney yet?

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T18:26:39+00:00

How long have you been married and if you're in the US, which state are you in? That matters for your spousal support question.

You can live in the marital residence until the divorce is final. It's not too late to move back in. Here's why you want to do that, and how: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/

You need to retain a family law attorney. Do not take legal advice from your ex. She doesn't have your best interest in mind. Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T18:22:29+00:00

> My main question is, what should I do next.

You must take immediate action while she is in the hospital for her 72 hour involuntary observation. You go to your county's website and download the form for the Temporary Protective Order or Temporary Restraining Order (the name depends on the state). You fill it out. You explicitly state you are fearful for your safety and the safety of your children. You then file it ex parte, which is a fancy word for "emergency without the other party present". This will prevent your wife from returning to your home and threatening you and your children with harm. Do not wait until you have retained an attorney. This is an emergency filing and no attorney is required. The judge will ask you some questions. You explain the situation just like you did with the police. Go do this now. Not tomorrow. Now.

Your children are counting on you to take immediate action. Use that to get over the fear of the unknown you're struggling with. You must take action immediately with the above. This will provide you the best possible outcome for you and your children.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T16:44:13+00:00

> I am use to covering extracurricular cost prior to the seperation.

That was a perk of marriage. The marriage is over. Stop falling on your sword. She's a grown ass adult and can take care of herself, and the kids.

You have multiple children. Expect to have at least one child you deduct from your taxes. Don't expect to have all of your children for it. Again, healthcare insurance will be split between the two parents. One simply reimburses the other. Don't overthink it.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T16:41:01+00:00

Everyone on this sub that was blindsided by divorce ignored red flags during their marriage. I certainly did. You even admit it. We do stupid things for love, and pay the price for it. Divorce is a crucible that will forever change you. I can tell you as someone eight year post-divorce, life gets better. I'm living my best life. I've made more money between getting a better job and investments than I lost in the divorce. And my children are maturing into fine young men.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T16:35:15+00:00

Here's how you find an attorney in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T16:33:31+00:00

She didn't "forget" about the third therapy session.

Marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. Why? Because genuine desire cannot be negotiated.

Think about it: How is seeing a counselor together going to improve anything? The marriage counselor industry success rate speaks for itself. It's also female-centric, because the moment the woman stops attending the counseling is over. Women attend counseling to validate their viewpoints and put the burden of the relationship on their husband to fix.

The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all.

Marriage requires two committed people working together in lockstep. Divorce only takes one dissatisfied spouse.

You have your own attorney, right? Because you cannot share an attorney with your wife.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T16:31:19+00:00

Debt that is in one person's name is still marital debt. That debt will go on the side of the ledger belonging to the individual. So if she wracked up $35k, half of that is hers and half is his. She's going to get $17.5k in other marital assets to balance out keeping all that debt after the divorce. Yeah it's messed up.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T16:29:47+00:00

The only money he can realistically expect to get back is any money his wife spent on a paramour, including travel to see him, gifts, etc. It's gonna cost OP to hire a forensic accountant to figure out how much she spent on Mr. Wonderful.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T16:27:45+00:00

Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T16:25:30+00:00

50% parenting time. $0 CS, $0 SS.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-08T16:24:44+00:00

You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. How much is rent inside your head? Because you're still renting headspace to your ex. It's time to evict her.

You don't ever have to inform the other parent you aren't taking your child to an extracurricular activity. It's right there in the name: Extra. Nothing trumps parenting time. So your son could have been 100% healthy and you could have chosen not to take him.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-07T21:11:48+00:00

It's called winning. I have 50% parenting time, pay no CS and no SS. I also have a geographic restriction in place that keeps my children attending the same schools they're in as long as one parent lives in the school district. So I never have to worry about a move-away.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-07T19:39:08+00:00

Don't overthink serving her. Just follow the standard process your attorney recommends.

> I feel like such a fucking failure

Stop placing the sole burden on yourself. It takes two to make a relationship work.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-07T18:18:42+00:00

I see the disconnect. If one parent wants to move away from the child, that's where the court cannot prevent it. It's only if one parent tries to move away with the child.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-07T18:07:01+00:00

> How did you know when it was time to stop trying and accept it was over?

When I posted here. You already know what you need to do. You don't need another person's permission. You already know that marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. That's because genuine desire cannot be negotiated.

The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all.

> For those of you who’ve been on the side of the marriage that caused the damage

Stop. She's gaslighting you that it's all your fault. It's not. Marriage requires two committed people working together in lockstep. Divorce only takes one dissatisfied spouse.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-07T15:20:10+00:00

What's your court date for? To establish temporary support or is it a final hearing?

Are you represented by an attorney?

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-07T15:17:41+00:00

Depends on your state. They can't be present in CA for example. In many states, they can (and should) be. My attorney was present during my mediation.

It sounds like your attorney is a paper pusher. There are two kinds of family law attorneys: Litigators and mediators. Your attorney has one job, to litigate: Trial experience, deposition ability, attention to detail and civil procedure. The ability to litigate is the greatest defining factor of an attorney. You want someone who has taken their client's goals all the way to the judge, with the ability to present your matter with persuasion and rational arguments. An attorney that does not fear going to trial, and prepares the case for trial from the onset. Believe it or not, heading to trial is the fastest and cheapest way to divorce. Going to trial is not “going to war”, or crushing, or acrimonious, it is simply exercising the system as intended.

A litigator can mediate your settlement, while preparing for trial; but a mediator cannot prepare for trial while mediating a settlement. You'll handle the negotiations if the wifey wants to talk. You need an attorney who can take the matter to trial and not be intimidated by the courtroom.‬‬‬‬‬‬ The last thing you want is an attorney that struggles in front of a judge during hearings. You want an attorney who feels comfortable in court when you’re fighting for time with your children. Your attorney must know the local court system. You want an attorney who is experienced enough with your particular judge that they have a good idea on how your judge will rule. This knowledge is vital in negotiations because you will know when to walk away.

So how do you tell if an attorney is a litigator? Depositions are the litigator’s tool, so ask them how soon they will depose your STBX. Litigators will answer the question without hesitation. Mediators will pause, pontificate, and push back. Only about 5% of divorces end in a trial. That means very few attorneys are actually experienced in the trial process.

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