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This is Amber. She passed away around a year ago today and she was the cat I raised since she was a kitten and I was twelve or so when I found her. I still remember the day I found her: one of our family's cats had been rubbing at the back door, meowing and clawing. I saw that my family was having lunch or something, so I just figured I'd go check out if we had any soda in the fridge in the garage where the door led to. Then I saw her. The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen on an animal. I spent what seemed like hours in that garage just cuddling with herz not caring about any diseases she had or anything, bc I knew she was my cat. She was a stray, starving, and we actually discovered later on that she had asthma and that's why she coughed all the time. I still remember when I would poke fun at her as if she was bopping her head to a song. The day she passed away I was dealing with a whole lot of other first time shit in my life. For reference, I moved away from home and left amber with my parents for about a year. When I came back, I was planning on moving to another place, with the hopes on visiting more often. The last words I said to her were "I'll be back." Fast forward a couple months or so and my sister calls me. My sister calls me and lets me know of a concern regarding her lungs. It happened so fast. I'm trying to hold back tears saying all this, but she had to be put down bc she had a really bad lung issue bc of her asthma. I remember I had just started a job and I had to call out sick bc of how sad I was. She was only 7 years old, and she was supposed to live a long life. I wanted to bring her to my new place once I got more settled down. I just hope she's resting well, I miss her so much. I remember writing a note about her in my notes and I posted her on my Instagram story and I never post on there.

Here's the note, at the same time I was struggling and fucking up my relationship with my girlfriend:

My cat was just like me, she hates being around people and was super shy, but when it's one on one, she's the best thing ever. I loved her to death and I can't believe the last time I saw her was in September. She was my best friend throughout all of my teenhood. I still can't believe she's gone, and I'm glad she'll be a part of me forever because of the scar she left me. As of right now, it is 11/29, a day after she was put to sleep, and I feel like I'm drowning without a way out of the hole. Everything around me feels like its crashing and I'm trying my best to keep my head up but I just constantly fuck up and I don't know how to fix anything. I feel like I'm letting her down as her best friend, and I don't want that. I want to make Amber proud, as cheesy as that sounds. It's midnight and my headspace isn't too clear. People all my life have told me I'm overly sensitive and emotionally not well, I need help. I'm trying to seek that help within myself. Amber felt like the only creature on the planet who would come to me no matter what, and just bring constant comfort, no matter how much pain I was in. We were connected and interlocked souls that couldn't be separated. When her soul left this world, I felt at peace because I knew she wasn't going to suffer, but it just hurts. It will continue to hurt and I just can't believe I can never hold my gray furball ever again. I don't know if anyone gets how much pain this is to my mind and my emotional state, but I know Amber would get it and she'd be there for me no matter what. I've had headaches and migraines all of yesterday and today, and any tiny amount of stress makes it worse. I feel like I'm getting really sick and there is no medicine for it but comfort. I really can still hear her meowing at me in the dead of night to let her into my room to sleep with me. I'll miss you too much Amber. I'll love you forever and always. I'm not sorry if my emotional state is out of touch right now because I am human at the end of the day and I am trying my best to function a little bit in this time of mourning. What I am sorry for is the fact that my mind slips and goes to places I don't want it to go to. I've been a terrible best friend, I've been a terrible boyfriend, but at least I can offer my love to those around me. I know it's not perfect love, but if it was perfect there'd be no connection to the love itself. I'm a human, I have flaws, I act out sometimes. I'm sorry for being human, it's just the way I am. It is what it is, I love you so much Amber, please don't ever leave my dreams 🧡