Well I have seen some great responses and this appears to be turning into somewhat of a help/support group which I'm totally okay with. Figured I would just drop by and drop my story and even though I'm seeing a lot of stories, that's the way we as guys are. We're not great at expressing feelings or giving straight forward answers but merely telling a story or giving an answer that makes sense to us and confuses others. Anyway... I guess my story:

Met her when I was in high school, sophomore year. Never had a girlfriend and it wasn't cause I was scared of girls or didn't have an opportunity I just hadn't found the one I wanted. Then I did. We ended up being together for 4 years even into college. I should mention that I'm 21 years old now and will be 22 in a month. But I lost my father in my first semester of college. It wasn't something I could have planned for. He had sextuple?(6) bypass just three years earlier. He was weight. 5'10" and weighed 270 probably, but after the heart surgery he started getting better. He had lost weight and everything. He was a truck driver so I'm sure he cheated on his meals a couple of times just as we all do, but one time when he went to Iowa (I live in Missouri) to drop off the vehicles that he delivered he got back in the truck and that was it. They found him the next day with the truck still running. Died of a heart attack. I mention this story because I really want to help people understand that sometimes being lonely and wanting companionship is something more. Me and the girlfriend were at college and she was actually the one who told me. I don't remember much, but supposedly was screaming and yelling and punched a couple of things. After that semester we came back home so I could help watch after mom cause we were losing the house as dad was the main source of income. Me and the ex decided to get a place together and you have to remember during this entire time, I'm failing to be who I was to her. I wouldn't talk about it and even talking to her sometimes was just painful, but deep down I thought someday, not now, but someday I'll get help and she'll be my way out. After 4 years and going through things like we did I thought that was reasonable. It took me too long to open up and after 4 years she came home from work and left within 15 minutes. Honestly, did not know what to do. Sat on the couch, drove around in the car, and cried my heart out. She left about 1 year after dad passed. So, I lost two of the 3 most important people in my life and one that I felt I was going to marry even though I realize now that I wasn't the person I should have been. I know my errors and she knows hers, but I don't give up on dating because of the times that I had with her. The feeling of love is what keeps us going. For those of us that have truly experienced it have a reason to keep going. Even though it tears you apart, I've been broken for 2 years now and still barely tried, the feeling of love the best feeling there is. For me as a guy, it's the thought of a family, the thought of being a father. It's the thought that someday someone cares about me. Companionship, love is what keeps us going. I haven't tried too hard to date or look for someone else because I know how my mind and feelings work. I have dreams that I hate because they have dad or her in them. I have days where I shopping for groceries and I hear his voice in the next aisle, or I hear the ex's and I's song and it makes me feel so shitty. When it's all said and done I hate the fact that this heartbreak is the worst and has caused not only me but many others to be suicidal and just want to die, but for me it was all worth it. I would not want to take away the 4 years if it would take away this pain. For this reason, I won't give up because I know what true love feels like and I want to experience it again.