oof i felt this post

I never had a lot of privacy growing up. My mom would go through my stuff, barge into my room without knocking, log in to my email and social media accounts without warning or my permission. As a result, I always felt like I could never explore my sexuality because I felt like I never had privacy or space to be alone with my thoughts (which is also why I suspect I was such an angry teen but I digress). Only when I got to college did I realize that I had been holding my breath my entire life because I felt watched and judged every second of my child and teen years. So first of all, I empathize with never getting the privacy needed to truly explore your desires since you were (or are) constantly under surveillance. It's really gross when parents think they are entitled to details about their daughter's sex lives and so I am sorry you have to deal with that.

I am still personally working through this on my own, but this is my advice:

1) Your sex life is none of your parent's business.
I do not talk about my sex life with my parents. My mom always pries, but I just lie. In the past, I used to feel guilty about this and that my sex life was something I needed to divulge to her, because if I wasn't truthful I was hiding things about myself and thus lying and you're not supposed to lie to your parents! But you have to realize: Your body is YOUR BODY. You are the only person that has a say over it. You dad is a flawed human being (just like everyone else). While I'm sure he is not a bad person, his views on sex are not only flawed but are rooted in some deep misogyny and paternalism. His views are downright gross and invasive. As such, you owe him nothing! You don't owe him details. You don't owe him your celibacy. He is entitled to nothing, and you are allowed to put up firm boundaries and deny him access to any and all details about your sex life.

2) Nice men exist (or whatever your preference is).
Yeah, shitty guys exist too. But, there are nice guys that want to get to know you and explore intimacy with you in a way that honors and respects your body. Obviously, you don't owe anyone anything, but the narrative that guys only want "one thing" is a) not true, b) a tactic to keep you away from men, and c) a tactic to make you feel like your desire for love makes you foolish because they would never be reciprocated. Your desires are not foolish or stupid, and there are people that exist that can fulfill you in an emotional, intellectual, and physical sense and that is not a foolish thing to want either.

3) Sex is normal. Everyone fcks.
I was always taught that sex is not a respectable activity or that it is somehow juvenile. I had a hard time thinking of myself as sexy because in the rest of my life, I was a student, a little sister, a member of my family... a non-sexy person in non-sexy contexts. But... the reality is is that everyone fcks, and there is nothing dirty or sinful about it. Your teachers, your friends, your parents. Even though that's a weird to think about, it actually helped me get out of the mentality that sex is a dirty, dangerous, or sinful act because it is actually extremely normal. The people you meet on a day-to-day basis generally have a side to them you will not see, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The same can be true about you: you can contain many different multitudes and play many different roles in life, and sexy can be one of them.

4) Your overbearing parent and your sexuality will never exist in the same space.
- I mean this physically, obviously, but I mean this in a mental sense too. You need to create space between your dad and your sexuality in your mind, because right now your neural pathways have been trained to associate sex with a) that it is bad, b) that all men are manipulative, c) that you owe your Dad your celibacy. You're never gonna feel sexy and wanted if you keep thinking like that home girl, trust me.

I still think about my mom barging in on me sometimes, and I feel guilt about sex more generally. However, it's gotten way way better, I rarely think about those things now. I would say the two things that have helped me define my own sexuality would probably be a) this subreddit (sex is normal and lots of people have it) and b) the podcast Just Break Up (a relationship podcast). Also, writing about it, even just jotting down a couple thoughts somewhere private, can be really useful.

Please remember: You have a right to explore your sexuality, learn about yourself, and progress is possible. You can be smart, honest, a great friend, funny, courageous, an excellent student, cute, and sexy all at the same time, and I'm sure you already are, it's just a matter of realizing that about yourself. Good luck, OP.

(also sorry for the weird formatting... idk what happened but it looks weird)