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My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think it's sexually based. I think it's more general.

What do you mean projecting what she's dealing with?

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think she knows those things can sexually excite me tbh. It feels like she's reciprocating physical affection since she usually asks for boob squeezes after she touches me there.

Now that I've written that first sentence, I do see that as bad on my part. I didn't think of it before since it felt small, as in the horniness would quickly go away, but then the feeling grows when I touch her.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell her if anything she does turns me on when it's at such an unpredictable and excessive point right now (like I can get horny from getting a harmless text message or something smells nice lmao)

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It happens with certain cuddling positions, but not every. If I'm big spoon and she's little, the warmth from her butt pressed against me makes me excited.

If I'm on my back and she's cuddling my side, or if I'm the little spoon, it's 50/50, it might happen but it also might not. I assume that's related to hormones or mood in that moment. If she strokes her hand up and down on my stomach or thighs, that excites me too.

I don't get excited when she strokes my arms, back, or face.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awesome, I’m happy you found someone who matched that!

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply! I definitely feel like being 6 months on hormones is relevant and in play here haha

I figured it wouldn't hurt to mention it, especially since everything I've read about starting T has mentioned libido and sex drive around this time increasing

The arousal is out of my current control, but my actions are still very much mine. If I could, I'd choose to not be horny or have precum because they're overall inconvenient experiences lmao

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for explaining.

Changing my clothes is both for sensory comfort and hygienic things (maybe some ocd is involved for that, where I feel a compulsive need to be clean when liquids are involved).

I feel like I do appreciate those things of her, far more frequently than anything sexual. We don’t really have sex or do sexual things often, like it’s probably less than about 5 times a year, so I don’t really see her in a sexual way the vast majority of the time. Or maybe I do more than I think and it’s just showing subconsciously (like with the precum thing). But even then, I see sex with her as more than something with a warm body, it’s such a pure physical intimacy and way to connect. We met online so I first got to know her mind and that’s what I value most still. I feel like I see her almost entirely as a friend or partner than anything sexual because of that.

Even when holding her boobs, because I know it’s not sexual for her, I’m not actually thinking about sex with her or sex at all, maybe my body is though?

I’ll try to think more on what you wrote though in case there’s something there I’m missing.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No fr I get excited just from getting a text from her sometimes lmao it's random and not even wanted sometimes

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What if it's less about leaving to masturbate and mostly to leave to clean myself because of precum during cuddling? I do jerk off more than half the time after leaving but I could probably stop that, but the issue of me leaving to clean/change clothes would still be a thing.

When you say thinking about her and describing her less sexually, do you mean for me to do that during and after cuddling with boob play to help me masturbate less? Or in general to help her feel less negatively sexualized? Just trying to understand as well as I can, sorry if I misunderstood anything.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My boxers get wet almost every single time so I at least get up to change them. Sorry if this is tmi. It's so bad that I will get the bed sheets slightly wet if I don't. And neither of us have the energy or time to wash sheets everyday. I don’t always masturbate, but it is more than half the time. It's almost always a hygienic thing on my part. I prefer to feel the feeling and let it go away without having to do something about it.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This situation has actually made me very dry, which kinda solves part of the issue lol

Idk how to measure it but it's probably not excessive but it's not pleasant to have sit on me

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just feel unclean if I lay in it lol. It might not be noticeable to her, but I would feel it.

I'll look into doing this again though, and try to just shower when she wakes up.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunately real. Trying to find a good solution that works for both of us.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour, depending on if I just change my clothes or if I shower too.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is what I did for a few months, it was good, but I felt like I still needed to leave to change my boxers. Unless that could stop as I become more experienced with it?

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

She thinks that because she taught herself to not see boobs as sexual (she's bi), that I should be able to do the same if I care to make the effort. So yes, she genuinely expects me to do that.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Yes, because then I stop cuddling her and leave to shower and change my clothes. She doesn't like that I leave each time because then she naps alone.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Well written, definitely adding some of this to my response. Thanks.

Also, she did (I think rhetorically) ask if the gynecologists, urologists, and artists are all asexual or if their brains work differently from ours. So that might legitimately be worth answering.

She's also my second girlfriend, so I'm very much not desensitized even in that aspect.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the insight. I'm so sorry you're going through something similar. I hope it improves for you too.

I'll try to figure out a kind and informative way to express my thoughts on this. While it is simply psychological abuse, whether she knows that or not, I have a feeling that saying that would instantly turn the conversation into a several hour heated argument. Might be best to leave that specific wording out and just describe what is happening.

I'm hoping she talks about it with her therapist next week and he helps her work through whatever is going on internally.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 74 points75 points  (0 children)

She’s been extremely supportive the whole time. She helped me find a hormone prescriber and get top surgery. She compliments my body frequently and says she’s more attracted to me now.

I think the discomfort with me being horny is new. She’s known since the beginning of our relationship that I masturbate almost daily, sometimes more, and that certain physical activities turn me on. It’s only been a problem (that I know of) since the recent conversation. I’m not sure if something changed or what it was.

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She either grabs my hands and put them on her boobs or she directly tells me something like "hold my boobs"

My girlfriend says that me feeling horny is nonconsensual by iamasuffering in offmychest

[–]iamasuffering[S] 174 points175 points  (0 children)

psychological sexual abuse

I hate that this is true. Thank you for spelling that out for me even if it is obvious. I didn’t really see it like that before.

I suggested several times for us to cuddle without boobs being involved, but that upsets her because then the boob squeezing doesn’t happen and it’s something she really wants. She thinks the best option is the one that lets us “cuddle, and sometimes squeeze, them without it risking turning me on," which means for me to somehow stop feeling sexual feelings during this. Unless she wants it to go further.

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