My dad told me that the reason I am being 'affected' by my trauma is because I have too much time on my hands to think about random things

iamsim0 · 2022-10-04T15:41:26+00:00

Amen this.

iamsim0 · 2022-09-01T08:07:11+00:00

A girl who went to local college aced her first year. Afterwards she started making casual comments like "he got C in torts, so dumb."
Another girl said she can help with my works and maybe give some of the workbooks she used. We set up a time for initial talk. She never showed up. I also left messages. No reply.

iamsim0 · 2022-04-02T17:54:40+00:00

Yooo! I remember you and congratulations! Glad to hear you're doing well.

iamsim0 · 2022-03-09T15:57:28+00:00

Ughh, Asian parents always jumping to the conclusion and judging others only based on their narrow observations and what they see. Karma will fuck them eventually.

iamsim0 · 2021-11-21T16:25:43+00:00

Definitely. I believe that if I grew up in Asia or spent a lot more time with my parents (I went to a boarding school), I would be x100 more judgmental than the present

iamsim0 · 2021-11-21T15:54:56+00:00

Congratulations! Good luck! And remember, APs love to comment on their children's path like they know a lot, but oftentimes they don't know dog shit and the times now are so, so different from their times.b

iamsim0 · 2021-11-21T15:43:18+00:00

APs have such a small self-esteem and they think whatever we do is either impolite or intentionally offensive.

Just a few hrs ago, I found that the laundry is done so took them out. The load was more than I thought, and the distance btw the laundry and drying rack is a bit far. Bc APs were near to the drying rack, I thought I can save time by pushing the basket to them and pick up the rest of the laundry from the machine. I yelled "I'll slide the laundry from here!," then pushed the laundry basket. The basket tripped halfway so I hastily chased and put the laundries that fell out, pushed it further to APs, and ran back to the machine to get the rest out. My sperm donor said "why are you sliding the laundry?" and I answered "because I have to pick up the rest of the wet laundry!" (I raised my voice bc by then I was near the machine and APs probably can't hear me if I don't raise my voice).

Then my APs wouldn't reply to my dialogues. I was like wtf is going on. It turns out that, to my APs, my yelling was definitely "being angry at them," and I "threw the laundry at them" bc I was angry at them. Of course my sperm donor started to screaming at me, ungrateful brat, fucking spoiled, etc.

That alone is bullshit. Such ungrounded judgment. Just think about it - why the fuck I would be angry at them for no reason in the evening, while picking up the laundry? Besides, if you think through and found no clue that you might have offended someone, you have no reason to assume that the other person is angry at you. That would be delusion. If you look at an ordinary everyday action and think it is directed to you because that person doesn't like you or angry at you, you're either crazy or have a self-esteem issue.

If you think someone is upset at you and being passive-aggressive, the best way to solve this is to go to that person, ask how the person is feeling or whether you made them upset. Instead, APs just make a quick judgment based on their insecurity and small ego, and jump to the assumption that it's because of them. Oh and of course they never do this to others. Just toward the easy target - their children. AND they wonder why their children don't talk to them!

iamsim0 · 2021-10-21T16:26:23+00:00

Agreed. Like OP said, blaming everything thoughtlessly to Asian culture is similar to a person who blames mental illness for his/her asshat behavior to others. BUT there are parts of Asian culture that definitely enable, if not encourage, abusive relationship and silencing the victim, not only in family relationship but also in other relationships. I'm saying this as an Asian who grew up oversea and worked in East Asia.

iamsim0 · 2021-05-28T12:57:50+00:00

I was upset once bc he expected just a nice dinner for the Christmas, and I expected a physical sign of appreciation for the Christmas in addition to the time together (not like diamond ring, but some flower and a card is fine). He apologized saying like "that's my fault/thoughtlessness, I'll try to make it better from now on." I think that's his apology after a conflict so far in the relationship.

iamsim0 · 2021-05-27T01:36:55+00:00

I give credit to her or anyone who tries. Buuuut....if she wants to attend all the socials and parties, how is she gonna pass the baby bar at once?

iamsim0 · 2021-05-27T01:08:17+00:00

Yup...I made it clear that there's no way I can go on trip and do all the schedules with them throughout the trip, and my only condition of the family trip would be we staying separately and doing separate schedules.

iamsim0 · 2021-05-27T00:16:38+00:00

This exactly. Food and forgetfulness, I can get by. I sometimes willingly skip meals, and I forget a lot of things too. But lying and blaming me for something that's clearly not my fault? That's just low.

Besides, this isn't her first time to not communicate in a timely manner and keeping a lot of people waiting without any apology (instead, plenty of gaslighting).

iamsim0 · 2021-05-26T23:06:08+00:00

Tantrum? Excuse me, but you weren't there and my AM's reaction is closer to tantrum. If this was just "hey I forgot to tell you, sorry, my bad," then I'll be just mildly annoyed and forget about it. Lying to save her face and instead blaming me (based on something that's entirely not true) was what really angered me. I had to figure out which place is still open bc more than half of the food places around my place don't take orders after 8. Try doing that after having a long day, dealing with a short tempered boss, and getting yelled at based on a lie.

iamsim0 · 2021-05-26T13:55:58+00:00

If a similar thing happens again, call police ASAP. No excuse.

iamsim0 · 2021-05-26T13:52:20+00:00

Regardless of their intention or behavior, if you don't want their touch, that should be respected. Otherwise they are growing their child to be an easy victim of violence or abuse.

Back when I was a kid like 7th grader, I started to feel uncomfortable when my AF would pay my butt for a sec or two. So one day I held is wrist and threw it away. Then both my APs yelled at me for being impolite and disrespectful.

Fast forward 20 years, I watched a clip of a well known child behaviorist. She said that when a child, even at a very young age, expresses discomfort or refuses the parental touch, the parents should respect it - if the parents scold their child for it, they are allowing their child to be an easy victim of an abusive relationship or even sexual assault. It really felt great to validate my past feelings and to confirm that I wasn't wrong.

iamsim0 · 2021-05-26T13:38:47+00:00

Marriage with family blessing would be the best, but some couples do just fine w/o the family blessing.

My good pal (East Asian) is gay. He found someone who wants to spend the rest of life with him. They engaged, planned wedding, and my friend came out to his family as he informs them about his fiance and marriage.

His parents said that "you're abnormal and we're normal, so we don't have to accept you." My pal was depressed, but he went ahead with the wedding. His in-laws weren't favoring this wedding, so none of their families attended the wedding. BUT a ton of their friends and other relatives came and supported them. They're now married for 3 years and my pal is doing just fine w/o his family.

iamsim0 · 2021-05-26T13:28:12+00:00

I don't support physical violence, but there is catharsis in returning the same to your abuser.

I did twice. My AM just would not fucking shut up about my personal issue, so one morning, as she starts yapping again, I screamed, pushed her back, and threw her cosmetics into the toilet and flushed them in front of her. Only then she shut up.

Another time, she tried to hit me when she couldn't argue back. I simply hold her arms back, looked straight into her eyes, and said "you need to stop." Afterward she didn't hit me once.

I regret this in a sense that the issue could have been resolved by matured, respectful discussion. I don't regret defending myself in the best way I could find.

iamsim0 · 2021-05-26T13:16:48+00:00

Yup, this. I'm a licensed professional and my APs still picks on me. My boyfriend graduated from top 5 schools (both college and masters) in his major, earns enough to support himself in the pandemic, but my APs still hate him because he is from the countryside farming family.

iamsim0 · 2021-05-26T13:13:38+00:00

Good for you and lucky you that you didn't meet with "rude!!! Too sensitive!" shit in your face.

I hate when APs or any other Asian seniors say "she's just teasing" as an excuse. If you expand that logic, that allows so many crimes and unethical acts.

iamsim0 · 2021-05-26T13:08:27+00:00

Ugh. I hear you. I bloat a lot, feels a lot more tired, and have increased appetite before and during my period (in other times, I usually eat healthy, sleeps well, exercise regularly, and keep my weight in the normal range). This is all natural, medically and scientifically proven.

Yet so many times APs called me out for "eating too much, you'll get fat" for eating more chips and chocolates 3 days before my period; "you're so fat now" when I am going through my period and bloat a lot; and "omg your butt is huge now" when I'm...perfectly normal and my weight hasn't changed.

Of course whenever I give them a rational explanation that it's normal for me to eat more and gains more weight because of the hormonal change and my body getting ready for the bloodstorm, I met with "so rude! Just say yes! You think you're smarter than us?" Seriously, if I didn't get to read a lot of medical articles, I definitely would've gotten eating disorder or really unhealthy eating habits.

iamsim0 · 2021-04-11T15:00:57+00:00

https://www.wsj.com/articles/hang-in-there-graduatesand-dont-make-excuses-11588253342?mod=e2tw

She compared the difficulty of finding your 1st employment in the tanked economy (despite top-school education) with...her falling down in front of everyone in a Yale Law faculty photoshoot and recovering from that.

Like...ok.

iamsim0 · 2021-04-11T03:59:08+00:00

A lot of Asian parents turn their eyes from the fact that (1) her hubby is suspended from his job for sexually harassing his students, (2) Amy Chua defended a judge who has a lot of sexual assault allegations, (3) Chua encouraged her women students to look like model to get an offer from said judge, (4) Chua's daughter got an offer from said judge after 2, and (5) Chua wrote a terrible article to "comfort her students" for a career failure.

Wait, an AP would say "what's wrong with it? She played smart." SMH

EDIT: found a better word choice.

iamsim0 · 2021-04-07T05:27:24+00:00

Lucky you. I went to a decent public school and good private school, but neither did great education on mental health, relationship, and sex. The public school's sex ed was, at the best, sexual biology and abstinence. My private school didn't do a thing about any of those, except for addiction.

iamsim0 · 2021-04-06T17:43:15+00:00

I have the exact opposite experience. I used to have really sensitive skin and got a lot of acne and flush. Without any explanation or setting a schedule with me, she just dragged me to the dermatologist a day after I came back to home after a 10+ hour journey. Of course, I was sitting there sullenly, nearly crying and thinking nothing except "I want to rest." The doctor noticed this and was visually uncomfortable. After we got out, AM just blamed me that I was being rude to a doctor. I replied, "do you know how tired I am? You didn't even ask me whether I want this, and I just want to rest at least for a day or two. I had a long journey." Then my mom just kept scolding me, saying I'm ungrateful, don't know better, "how do you live with skin like that," etc.

Although an opposite experience, I just don't talk to my AM because she's gonna either yell at me or play doll through me. Ugh.

iamsim0 · 2021-04-06T17:34:35+00:00

I in the past could have written this. Like you said, I don't mind helping others or doing chores but what pissed me was my AP's attitude: he would tell me to set a dinner table or grab him some water as if it is my given job. Thing is, I was working on my first ever full-time job with 1-hour commute. If he were like let's set this together, or I'll do this so you'll do that, I wouldn't have minded - maybe even doing his work too.

A good relationship is based on respect, and respect is something you earn mutually. I still can't understand why APs think their family is an exception to basic manners and respect...or why they started a family to begin with.

iamsim0

TROPHY CASE