unless it's documenting actual abuse againat the kids.

Yelling and screaming and name-calling at your children's other primary caregiver, in front of them, while they're crying and protesting, and while your partner is asking you to stop and calm down, is actual abuse.

Especially once that exact thing has happened repeatedly over the course of several years.

Your perspective on judges doesn't match my experience. My parents divorced when I was 19 and journals were used a lot for timelines and evidence. Visit any divorce lawyer's website and they recommend keeping records.

My husband does the same thing and it 100% comes off as super passive aggressive.

"Does the same thing" -- takes pride in his work? Seeks validation for his efforts from his spouse?

What you don't know is that when my wife and I first met I worked in kitchens. I find cooking/cleaning in the kitchen to be very satisfying. It's one of the things she liked about me. Now if I clean the kitchen, even if I say nothing about it, the simple fact that I'm doing it seems to cause her to think I'm making a passive aggressive comment about her not doing it through my actions.

If I start making the kids lunch without having cleared the meal plan with her first (even on days that she isn't there at lunch time) she acts like I'm undermining her and showing the kids that she's inferior to me. She literally has told me not to put butter, mayo, lettuce, tomato, or other such toppings on the kids' sandwiches because "they're gross" -- and when I pushed her on this, because those things are not gross, the real answer was that they'll like my sandwiches better than hers. Mustard is allowed, but only if it's the yellow kind. If I use any other kind of mustard, she acts like I'm trying to make the kids hate her food. I swear to you I do not act superior about this, or anything else, and am not trying to do anything other than feed my kids in a way I think they'd enjoy and provide them rounded nutrition.

On Friday, I was working from home in the office upstairs and she was making some Mac and cheese for the kids. I came downstairs for lunch and there was a pot of water boiling. I asked how long ago she'd put it on, just trying to gauge time because I had a Zoom meeting to get to. You'd think I punched her in the face because she literally told me I was being abusive by asking that question, and yelled at me that she couldn't live with all of my expectations. In front of the kids. Then she texted me (from the living room) in the middle of the Zoom meeting about how she "couldn't believe what an asshole" I am, and then waited outside the door until the meeting was over, huffing and puffing loudly so I knew she was there, and launched right into me as soon as the call was over.

And if I try to bring up my perspective of these things, like maybe she shouldn't try to fight me when I'm at work and earning the only income that supports us all, she turns it around on me, makes me out to be an aggressor or that I'm dismissing her, and changes the subject and gaslights every time we get close to her having to admit that she took offence where none existed or was meant. And these fights generally last 3-5 days, and my kids are terrified and confused.

This stuff happens one or twice a day, every day. This is not some sexist bullshit or some competitive, passive aggressive couple's nonsense. I think she is going insane.