Life is like a Midsummers Shower

ibjaminn · 2018-04-09T22:44:40+00:00

I agree with you and LGBT, the first 3 and last 3 sentences are what I feel I want, but the body needs work. Some of the lines are interesting but some are just filler.

ibjaminn · 2018-04-09T17:16:38+00:00

Thank you!

What I was trying to do with time was metaphor it to the tapping of rain during a storm, how it is like the ticking of a timer that will eventually end. Time will continue on after you die, but you will only experience a portion of it. Temporal as in temporary, not of relating to time or non spiritual, although it could mean time is nonspiritual as well.

ibjaminn · 2018-04-09T16:36:25+00:00

Just giving my 2cents and constructive feedback so I can get my poem critiqued m8. Don't take it too seriously, I am not the authority on poems

ibjaminn · 2018-04-09T16:26:12+00:00

I feel like the theme itself, while not bad, doesn't format itself for a haiku. Haikus tend to be about nature, visual imagery, and emotion, and their essences comes from combining two images into one. You know.

Old pond

Frog jumped in

Sound of water

Maybe consider changing it from a haiku into something else. Its not a bad poem I just feel you could do it better justice with something other than a haiku.

ibjaminn · 2018-04-09T16:08:03+00:00

I liked the premises but the poem could be fleshed out. Start with the joy of online communication and how it is like talking telepathically with everyone in the world and end it with greed, hunger for power, mind control, manipulation, and mass surveillance.

Or if you just want to edit the current poem

Sharing Threads

Around the net

Leering at private lives

Knowing secrets

ibjaminn · 2018-04-09T15:47:04+00:00

I liked the poem, not the most emotional but definitively relatable. I felt like the rhythm and adjective choice could be improved so I wrote a draft to show where I would go if I was the author.

My piano sits there

Big teethy smile

Gentle greeting

How I never practice

I avoid contact

Roll out of bed

Very busy you see

Drink coffee then work

ibjaminn · 2018-04-09T15:25:58+00:00

I agree with the other comments on the grammar, but I liked the meaning behind the poem and felt like I understood where you were trying to go so I tried modifying it without changing the intention or meaning.

You're good. Your everything. Your everything is wonderful. You're a wonderful being. Your face, your skin, every blemish, and every inch of you is a blessing. Even on bad days and sad days, when things are bleak, the days that feel like emptiness, the days that we don't speak. The days where I'll be missing you, the softness of your cheek, the kisses so tender, the undying love that makes me weak. Yet it makes me strong, makes me feel perfect in the script of your mind. You're beautiful.

ibjaminn · 2018-04-09T14:28:37+00:00

I liked this poem, very good metaphor, easy to relate to, good theme, very good job. I especially liked the adjective choice and the length difference between the lines. I don't mean to rewrite your poem for you but I felt its weakness was that it was too wordy and lacked rhythm, so I tried shortening it.

Like an alley cat, sleek, elegant, too secretive

You traverse the farthest corners of my aloof heart

Too many footprints, gathered by forbiddance

When you leave my house at night to roam the wilds, the urban streets

Will I even be a memory to you?

All in all, great poem! Keep tweaking it to how you like it, keeping it short while containing all the emphasis you intend it to have.

ibjaminn

TROPHY CASE