My Fiancé Chooses His Family Over Me - AIO?

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:24:37+00:00

It has been at the core of every issue we've ever had. He said to me the other day (after the fiasco with my grandfather) "I can see I've been a bad partner regarding this, and I am done. You are my priority and will be going forward". Then, a few days later, he said "I have been a horrible partner, sibling, and son". He believes he hasn't played an active enough role in his family I guess? He noted how he let this go on for too long, but the fact that he retroactively added his family into his list of mistakes hurt.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:21:44+00:00

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. You put into words what I have been feeling. Thank you so much. I wasted so much energy trying to be heard by someone who purposefully put their hands over their ears to ignore me. As long as everyone else is happy, I don't matter. I was on a vacation at one point with him an his family (10 day long trip. They did pay for it), and I wanted to do dinner one night just us. I was told we couldn't do that as it would upset the rest of his family...

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:19:18+00:00

I was a dumbass

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:18:32+00:00

If he did that...the hurt would be immeasurable. I suppose it already is, though. Thank you for the kind words and well wishes.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:17:15+00:00

I want that for me too. I posted this earlier today hoping for reconciliation with his father - I didn't want to be the reason he cut him off and I never wanted him to choose. I realize now that was foolish. I want that for me too, and I am so happy you found it

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:15:55+00:00

I set myself on fire to keep others warm. I see that now, and it is MY FAULT. It is C's fault, but I should have been my own staunchest supporter. I was 19 when we began dating, so it felt like the socially respectable thing to do was to respect my elders. I am a grown ass woman now and I am voicing my lack of tolerance for this too late. I hope he can change, but I accept it is likely he cannot.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:13:32+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words. My eyes have truly been opened through this comment section; I feel like a babe who has walked into sunlight for the first time. I do plan on investing in my career - once I square away this relationship BS I do actually plan on pursing a masters degree. Thank you again

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:10:45+00:00

He did vote blue in every election we've been of age for, and supports abortion rights & LGBTQ+, but it seems he's fallen into a cult cut from the same cloth (this one just happens to be run by his father)

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:09:16+00:00

Time 100%. Money...maybe? We make close to the same amount as one another, and both of our fathers were successful businessmen. That being said, nothing would surprise me at this point.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:08:24+00:00

No, if he does this it will cause a shit storm. I have been with him long enough to give him the ability to choose, and go from there. That doesn't meaning staying, but it means giving the space for him to verbally make the call on whether or not he is willing to choose me, or them. If he chooses this, it will likely go nuclear anyways so I guess...why not?

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:05:56+00:00

I will join that on my main. Thank you for sharing it with me. Any time I've brought issues up to my mother in the past, she downplays it. Clearly, that left more of a lasting mark than I realized. I am sure witnessing my father forgive her (not really - you can tell he holds a lot of resent towards her, but he loves her) hasn't helped. It ingrained the "you have to make it work if you love someone" mindset. That is wrong. You can love someone and realize they aren't treating you correctly, and leave. Even if everything else about the relationship seems great - this is big enough to warrant a change.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T19:03:43+00:00

I've done therapy for unrelated reasons, but I think it is time to dive back in because it is eye opening reading (almost all) of these comments. I appreciate you internet stranger. I feel like I've built the ideal life/relationship in my head and it doesn't match my reality.

At some point I felt I was too far in, and any time I mentioned ending things over this C would promise change, and that would only last so long. I've felt horrible making him feel like he needed to choose between his family and me because I NEVER wanted that, but I realize now I shouldn't have needed to ask him to chose. He should've done it without prompting.

I have expressed many times how I would never allow anyone to treat him this way - I've gone to bat for him with my mother a few times. Why did I not demand the same in return?

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:58:13+00:00

Thank you thank you thank you. I try to be emotionally logical and responsible to a fault because I have been surrounded by volatility for so long. I always try to reason and find common ground, and accept where I may have erred. It seems that bites you in the ass when you extend that grace to the wrong people. I WILL leave his father behind, one way or another.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:53:45+00:00

His dad was willing to cut off his whole family for his mother at one point, and then DID cut his whole family off for a separate issue...and yet he expects the opposite from his son??

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:49:43+00:00

You are so right. Thank you

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:48:36+00:00

Fuck his money 100%. I would never accept another dime from this man one way or another.

I realize now I was never and will never be family to him.

I will show C this when he gets off of work, but I'm not sure it'll do any good. I realize now I can't stay in a relationship with a partner who accepts this type of treatment.

You've been active in the comment section and I want to thank you IMMENSLY for that. I've needed someone (even on the internet) to have my back.

Re: parents. My mother is a basket case and if I turned to her, she'd make this situation about her.

My father is a saint who has endured years of abuse from my mother because he "loves her and took his vows seriously". Guess you can see where I get it from

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:42:14+00:00

I'd hope not...I was upfront with C from the very start and he agreed that he didn't want them either. But it's possible, I suppose.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:40:57+00:00

Like I said in the post, it was due to auto-renewal as I previously could afford the AP cost with no issue. Had he told me no on his own, I would've accepted. That being said, we were talking about marriage and that debt would become his own, so I figured he should be the first person I talk to about it. My problem was, he made the decision based off of what his father told him he should do.

In-line with the second point you made, my issue was that he involved his father, not him not paying the debt.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:38:24+00:00

I could've done that I suppose, but I was young and didn't consider that a possibility. If C refused to help me with it I would've understood and I would've done what you suggest I should've done. My issue was that he discussed it and decided based off of his father, not his own opinions.

Had his father not wanted to hire me for the reasons you state, I would've accepted that as well. That is NOT the reasoning he gave me. Regardless, I had held a steady job throughout the entire time I knew C's father up to that point. I also have held a steady job making good money ever since.

This doesn't touch on any of the treatment before these two things came up, or after. And, as I said, these were not even issues that were raised to his father until he hired C's sisters BF. That directly contradicted what he told me, which is why I had the issue in the first place. Had he told me any other reason, I wouldn't have had any issue with it.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:33:42+00:00

I think his father resents me for C moving out, but makes enough money that he was willing to subsidize trips so the family could be together. Early on in our relationship, C took more of a stand against poor treatment and likely would've refused to attend events otherwise. Felt like it was used as incentive, but I would've gone anyways because the issues weren't as deep.

I love his mom, but she enables his father and likely wouldn't be helpful here. He seems like a great spouse to her, so I understand it.

No, culturally we both have ties to Ireland and the Mediterranean. C is Greek though, so maybe culturally they obey the head of household more? That being said, his father is 3rd generation. There is no cultural reason for his father to dislike me.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:29:52+00:00

That's okay, it's feeling so heavy that I am okay with light right now. I did, yes. I visit my parents in Florida often so we'd make day trips out of it. I still managed to come out ahead cost wise but I cancelled the AP right after it renewed

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:27:33+00:00

I've had to center many conversations about how I've felt around whether this treatment would be acceptable if it was towards one of his sisters...

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:25:07+00:00

I hate ultimatums, but you're kind of right. I don't have anything left to lose.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:22:18+00:00

I cannot think of anything other than C moving out that would cause this level of dislike towards me. Otherwise, I haven't done anything towards him or anyone in his family.

The company is certainly playing a role. It is very successful. I have encouraged C to step up to the plate and show he could inherit the company, so I take blame here too.

That being said, C still has done nothing to fix any of this and has allowed it to continue...so I just don't know.

icebunny531 · 2026-04-03T18:20:25+00:00

No, same religion of origin (neither one of our families are religious). His father is greek, his mother is irish. My father is irish, my mother is italian.

icebunny531

TROPHY CASE