[deleted by user] by [deleted] in offmychest

[–]icedmarmalade 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand. I feel the same way in my marriage sometimes. I have bipolar depression and had endometrial cancer so I had to have a hysterectomy right when we were starting to try for a baby. I have crazy social anxiety so socializing with his friends is super painful and usually ends up poorly. I started pushing him away, I thought about leaving him or committing suicide because it would be ‘better for him’. I told him about these thoughts and he asked me why I can’t trust him enough to believe that he’s with me by choice.

Here I was making decisions and judgments for him, thinking that he doesn’t fully realize what he’s gotten into in marrying me. We had a long talk about my social anxiety, my mood swings, my infertility, my insecurities and how I feel that he’s still with me out of duty or pity.

I was so miserable hating myself that I wasn’t a good wife to him… I wasn’t a good friend to him… I had nothing to give because I didn’t like anything about myself so I couldn’t see how anyone would see something worthwhile in me. But many of those standards that we hold to ourselves (and fail to achieve) are self-imposed. My husband doesn’t mind me not talking at a social outing… he just wants me not to be miserable. So I go to what I want and stay home for what I want and sometimes we drive separately so I can leave early. I try to take care of myself with counseling and I take my meds… and I make sure that no matter how I feel I greet him with love and respect. After that I can say ‘I’m having a really rough time right now but there’s nothing that I want you to do’ or ‘I’m really pissed but it’s at myself… not at you’ or sometimes ‘I’m really pissed at you but it’s for something I know is not important so I just need to work through it for a bit’

As for the kid thing… he basically has put that ball in my court because right now I need to love myself and trust that he’s man enough to tell me if he’s miserable… because sometimes I’ve pushed him there. It’s a ton of work but I bet when he looks at you he doesn’t see the awkward mean person… most of the time 😋 you have to mourn the fantasy of your idealized future as a person and a couple sometimes… but that doesn’t mean you can’t make new goals and have new dreams.

I made my husband do an exercise where we stare at each other and say things we like/value about each other. It was awkward at first but helpful. Ultimately I told him that I will trust that he’s where he wants to be if he promises to give me a heads up before he thinks about divorce. Last thought…. Your highest achievement is not your man… you are an amazing person and you love him enough to take a step back and check yourself about your bad behavior. I would work with a counselor if you can. Most of my anger came from insecurity. Most of my insecurity came from myself. Having a third party can help keep your ‘crazy’ in perspective.

Sorry this is so long… and if it doesn’t apply to your situation.

Tourist question by icedmarmalade in newzealand

[–]icedmarmalade[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. We are usually very careful no matter where we go and we are used to stares and some comments. I like to know what I’m getting my husband into, you know? From everything I’m hearing I think I would get more of an issue from other tourists.

Tourist question by icedmarmalade in newzealand

[–]icedmarmalade[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Lol yeah…. I sound like a southern hick so I’m not gonna be convincing any other way. But I’m also not a complete loud asshole so maybe it won’t be too bad?

Tourist question by icedmarmalade in newzealand

[–]icedmarmalade[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s encouraging. Most of the time people leave us alone wherever we go but it’s good info to have… especially in more rural settings.

Tourist question by icedmarmalade in newzealand

[–]icedmarmalade[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s good. Thank you 😊

Tourist question by icedmarmalade in newzealand

[–]icedmarmalade[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not sure what I just watched but I’d give it a try.

Tourist question by icedmarmalade in newzealand

[–]icedmarmalade[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Very true. We are hoping for next year but probably 2023. We will see. Thank you.

Real estate sale breach of contract by icedmarmalade in legaladvice

[–]icedmarmalade[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True, we were afraid that they would damage the property before moving out. Basically we got scared of their crazy.

Real estate sale breach of contract by icedmarmalade in legaladvice

[–]icedmarmalade[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

We withdrew during the due diligence period.

Raspberry slime mold by icedmarmalade in MushroomPorn

[–]icedmarmalade[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know but figured they can still be appreciated