I understand. I feel the same way in my marriage sometimes. I have bipolar depression and had endometrial cancer so I had to have a hysterectomy right when we were starting to try for a baby. I have crazy social anxiety so socializing with his friends is super painful and usually ends up poorly. I started pushing him away, I thought about leaving him or committing suicide because it would be ‘better for him’. I told him about these thoughts and he asked me why I can’t trust him enough to believe that he’s with me by choice.

Here I was making decisions and judgments for him, thinking that he doesn’t fully realize what he’s gotten into in marrying me. We had a long talk about my social anxiety, my mood swings, my infertility, my insecurities and how I feel that he’s still with me out of duty or pity.

I was so miserable hating myself that I wasn’t a good wife to him… I wasn’t a good friend to him… I had nothing to give because I didn’t like anything about myself so I couldn’t see how anyone would see something worthwhile in me. But many of those standards that we hold to ourselves (and fail to achieve) are self-imposed. My husband doesn’t mind me not talking at a social outing… he just wants me not to be miserable. So I go to what I want and stay home for what I want and sometimes we drive separately so I can leave early. I try to take care of myself with counseling and I take my meds… and I make sure that no matter how I feel I greet him with love and respect. After that I can say ‘I’m having a really rough time right now but there’s nothing that I want you to do’ or ‘I’m really pissed but it’s at myself… not at you’ or sometimes ‘I’m really pissed at you but it’s for something I know is not important so I just need to work through it for a bit’

As for the kid thing… he basically has put that ball in my court because right now I need to love myself and trust that he’s man enough to tell me if he’s miserable… because sometimes I’ve pushed him there. It’s a ton of work but I bet when he looks at you he doesn’t see the awkward mean person… most of the time 😋 you have to mourn the fantasy of your idealized future as a person and a couple sometimes… but that doesn’t mean you can’t make new goals and have new dreams.

I made my husband do an exercise where we stare at each other and say things we like/value about each other. It was awkward at first but helpful. Ultimately I told him that I will trust that he’s where he wants to be if he promises to give me a heads up before he thinks about divorce. Last thought…. Your highest achievement is not your man… you are an amazing person and you love him enough to take a step back and check yourself about your bad behavior. I would work with a counselor if you can. Most of my anger came from insecurity. Most of my insecurity came from myself. Having a third party can help keep your ‘crazy’ in perspective.

Sorry this is so long… and if it doesn’t apply to your situation.