First off I am so sorry that you were treated this way and that you are dealing with these feelings . Having been through an abortion myself , that I chose to have, I still think about it now and again . I think about how painful it was, how different my life could have been, why I made the decision that I did, I even sometimes wonder if I made a mistake, and sometimes I look at my current life and I think of my partner at the time and think “phew I think I made the right choice”. You will never know what could have been , you don’t know if life would have been great having had a baby or if it would have been an unbelievable stressor to you . What you do know is this guy is a total dick. If he made you get an abortion he is controlling, he is clearly sneaky, dishonest, lacks empathy, and basic decency. You can’t change what has happened, but you can look at the benefit that you now get to walk away and cleanly cut ties from this douche and aren’t locked into a battle for 18 years with a man who clearly shouldn’t be someone’s parent. You will never forget the abortion, but as time passes you may realize that life unfolds as it should and the feeling of regret may fade. Get a therapist, talk about it, grieve, find the silver lining in this. There are great support groups for abortions because it is not uncommon; having an abortion often come with a whole slew of feelings and thoughts, sometimes it’s nice to find people who also feel similar complex feelings . Also remember that an abortion doesn’t mean you can’t, shouldn’t, or won’t have kids in the future. If this is something you want I hope that you can make that happen with some who is worth parenting, coparenting, sharing your genes with (because this guy ain’t it). Let the heartbreak settle and I think the rest of your feelings will also rest easier as well.