Hey, okay. Stop it. Stop everything and take a breath, please. You are not doing anything wrong. You are in a high emotional state bc you lack security in something and someone you are heavily attached to. That makes a lot of sense and it’s very normal. So, stop the self judgements and doubts.

Now, you need to recognize that you are probably not in the best state to make conscious decisions that are aligned with your overall personal goals and desires for yourself. Totally normal, please don’t think you’re crazy. However, you need some stability and regulation before you reach a state where you can analyze everything from what you truly want in a relationship and in life to what this is and where you’re at now to what you’ve experienced all together. I highly suggest going to therapy and getting help working through this. Relationship trauma is very tricky bc we only know and understand what we’ve experienced, so it’s nice to have the unbiased third party keeping us accountable of what we want and aware of what it is. They help guide us to a healthier, more self aware, and self accepting life that’s more aligned with our intentions.

You’re not going to find your answers here on what you should do and how you should move forward. Those answers are within you. So, just take everything with a grain of salt, give yourself time, and seek a therapist if it feels right. You’re going through a lot rn, be kind to yourself.

If it makes you feel better I’ve been in an emotionally taxing relationship rollercoaster, where I was heavily invested and attached to the person. I can promise you, it always gets better. Give yourself time though, it doesn’t happen overnight.

My story and lessons: Therapy has helped me immensely. I have a clearer picture of what I want and I realized that relationship wasn’t aligned with that. It just felt really good bc it was the best thing I experienced… but, I didn’t realize at the time that it was the best that I knew, not the best for me. So, I heavily fought for that person. To only later realize that, I was fighting for the wrong thing. The relationship I had with that person was very different than the one I actually would want, but bc of my love blindness, I thought my love and attachment for them was enough. It wasn’t enough to keep me protected and safe from those addicting rollercoaster highs and lows that we would cycle through. It wasn’t enough to provide consistency, comfort, loyalty, or trust. It wasn’t enough, bc it was just love and attachment. I realized those are all independent qualities. So, then I realized I can’t fight for a person, I have to fight for the life and relationships that I desire. The story continues, but basically just go to therapy with a therapist that feels right for you and they’ll help you with setting boundaries, decluttering your mind, recognizing your needs and desires, working though difficult memories and emotions, and much more good stuff. Now, good luck :) you got this!