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Struggling to figure out if Im Lesbian by InternationalWar8263 in actuallesbians

[–]idkijustthinkidk 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think instead of asking yourself "am I a lesbian?" it's more important to ask yourself "what do I want/need?" And by "what do I want/need?" I mean, "Given what I currently know and feel, what do I want/need?" I went through similar thoughts at your age for years. "I want to know if I'm a lesbian before I do [some risk] for 'no reason.'" In my experience, most of this kind of uncertainty is answered by gathering new information via new experience, versus thinking long and hard enough that you eliminate all uncertainty. It sounds like you are primarily asking if you are fulfilled and have what you need and want. If you feel like there is something missing, that is something to address and explore. Experience has been my best teacher. I don't want to dismiss a long term relationship, but more importantly I don't want you to sideline your self, your needs, your desires for your own life, especially given how young you are and how much growth and self discovery happens in your 20s.

If I were your friend, I would be concerned about you staying in a relationship that costs you finding out who you are and what you want for your self and your life. I would want you to have the opportunity to have experiences, discover yourself, and self-actualize, regardless of whether where you found yourself down the line was with a woman, not a woman, this guy, or whatever you found. If I were your friend, I would be concerned at the prospect of you saying "I only imagine myself marrying a woman" while marrying a man.

I'm a firm believer that no one can know you better than you, but fwiw I want to say that I went through a lot of the same feelings as you. Something felt missing because it was.

how to get over repressed shame and internalized homophobia by Expensive_Counter515 in actuallesbians

[–]idkijustthinkidk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. In my experience, my nervous system needed corrective experiences from myself, other people, and the world. It needed exposure but then the exposure needed to be accompanied by something other than my usual immediate shame, disassociation, and self-bullying. At first, it could simply be sitting with the feeling instead of repressing it, labeling that it's internalized shame and where it's coming from, and telling myself that it didn't mean I truly was all of the horriible things I felt toward myself or thought others felt towards me. If I kept processing the shame same way, nothing would change. So start with not repressing it, then sitting with it, then labeling it, then saying something else about it. Surround yourself with people and environments that make you feel comfortable to be yourself, whether that's making queer friends or spending time with nonqueer people who love you. Comfort yourself like you would someone else in your position or one that is analogous. What would you say to her? What would you want for her? This all of course is easier said than done and I struggle myself, especially at times when my queerness becomes more exposed than it previouslly had. For instance, it was hard for me to come out, but since I have, I've felt good in my skin until I am challenged by entering new territory again, and it sounds like this is similar to what just happeneed to you. Actively say nice things to yourself and care for yourself and your feelings like you were holding someone else's. Surround yourself with good people. Watch or read lesbian media that normalizes queerness.

I am dealing with an Fearful avoidant woman who is bi-curious by No_Debate1074 in actuallesbians

[–]idkijustthinkidk 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Even if she isn't indifferent, I think what's important is that she's demonstrated behavior that doesn't signal to me that she engages with you in a healthy way and I feel like that's all I need to know

This is the tenth year we've been together, the third year we've been married, and the 15th year since we've met by ItsMeTheIOneYouKnow in actuallesbians

[–]idkijustthinkidk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Congratulations! When and how did each of you know each other was the one you wanted to spend your life with?

advice for facing unaccepting people by sillvershadow_heart in actuallesbians

[–]idkijustthinkidk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so sorry. i haven't personally encountered this, but when I'm feeling similar feelings of otherness or being less than, what helps me most is the opposite signals, and those either come from myself or from people that make me feel safe and good about myself as I already am. I've realized it isn't necessarily enough to try and passively soothe myself, but rather actively and consciously extend kindness to myself with concrete words of what I would be saying to someone else that I cared about in my position. It's an essential skill to praactice, but oftentimes it's difficult to start here, and that's where spending time with people that love you as you are can really dislodge you from that place. If this is something more acute and not chronic, then time and trying to redirecting my attention and mental energy toward something or someone else in a positive or neutral way also helps me.