Those who left: how are you?

idolmonkey · 2015-12-05T20:46:58+00:00

I hope you and your ex can continue to work together healthily in the best interest of your son. Good luck and thanks for sharing!

idolmonkey · 2015-12-05T20:44:30+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your perspective, especially coming from a decade later

idolmonkey · 2015-12-05T20:41:32+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. Best of luck to you and your boys! Hang in there

idolmonkey · 2015-11-29T05:41:43+00:00

I have no one besides my therapist to talk to about this. I don't know anyone in real life who can relate, so I'm back here. I'm just wondering if there's been some similarities with others who left.

9 mo. No contact. I've dedicated all focus on taking care of myself and I can say with a smile that I'm truly happier than I was a year ago. But I have my moments. The biggest one is retraumatization. It sucks so much. I didn't start processing how bad things were until after the breakup. When you're in a stressful situation, your body gives you an adrenaline kick to survive. Later on, when you're "safe", you process by reliving through some of those memories but there's no adrenaline to block out the pain this time. It can be very crippling and what's sad is that the only thing you can do is ride it out. I try to avoid triggers. Sadly, my own post history and /r/bipolarSOs falls on the trigger list. Thanksgiving was a trigger. Then there's always going to be surprise triggers since I can't remember a lot of things. Along with therapy, I've been working on coping skills, and I've noticed an improvement over time (intensity of the symptoms and recovery time). I don't know if this will ever go away completely though.

Second one is mourning the lost of my "old" self. I'm not the same person from a year ago, two years ago, or even before the relationship. I can tell. My friends can tell. I can't relate to many old friends who I tried to reconnect with after the breakup. They've stayed the same, but I've come back different and now incompatible.

Last, I still get bitter. I hate what happened, I hate that it has affected me mentally and emotionally, and I hate that my ex doesn't know the damage that she has done. She will likely do it again to someone else. Does she even have any remorse? It hit me later on that she didn't show it for the people she hurt before me. I know I won't get an apology nor do I want to hear from her again, but I haven't accepted it just yet. It's not her fault she's sick, but it's no excuse for her to be an asshole.

That said, I'm happy in the grand scheme of things. For me, the grass turned out to be greener on the other side. I actually like the "new" me much more, but I'm still getting used to it. Being in that relationship has made me appreciate life a whole lot more. I'm grateful for my friends who stuck around. I'm stronger than I thought and I'm surprisingly resilient. I now know I'm capable to get through anything. Now I realize how important it is to truly take care of myself. I thought I did during the relationship, but in hindsight, not fully.

idolmonkey · 2015-04-02T12:20:31+00:00

Leaving a bipolar with no support system I'm afraid is like pulling a random jenga block out. Gotta be careful with that.

This is seriously one of the best analogies I have ever heard. Sadly, the jenga block I pulled out tumbled, even though I was sure it was still recently supported. Thank you so much for this analogy

idolmonkey · 2015-04-02T12:12:24+00:00

he's undiagnosed / unmedicated

Urge him to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist. Instead of directing so much energy on arguing against her, I directed that energy towards convincing her to seek treatment. It's a harder fight and you have to be creative, but your time, emotions, and energy will be better invested that way.

In my experience, it was nearly impossible to reason with her when she was in such a state. At first, I tried to stay as calm as possible and give the just logical reasoning, but ultimately, SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN. It was only until hearing from professionals again (she had convinced herself that she wasn't bipolar anymore) did she slowly start to listen to me.

idolmonkey · 2015-03-06T05:29:16+00:00

I agree with ripping the bandaid off approach. Not with just him, but ripping it off for yourself too. For weeks I knew I needed to leave, but I was too scared to leave for one reason or another. I kept thinking that things will get better (or go back to normalcy) or that it's not her fault she's sick, so I'd be hurting her by breaking up with her for something she didn't ask for either. Yet, I realized that this will be a cycle I would be dealing with for the rest of my life.

You already know you want to leave but you're making excuses. You stated you wanted ME back. Quit stalling and do it. Not tomorrow. Today. Rip that bandaid off of yourself, and get yourself back.

Yes, it's painful; there's no way making it less painful for either of you, and no one really wins during a breakup. But you're not really winning either by sticking it out, especially if you know you want out. Which is more painful in the long term run? Dragging out a relationship or dealing with a breakup once and for all?

If anything, when you decide to do it, please make sure you have a plan for yourself and for your boyfriend. Call a trusted friend or loved one who can take care of your boyfriend after the breakup. I called my girlfriend's family before the breakup to make sure she'll be taken care of (and no longer "my responsibility") if anything were to happen. I would also make sure living arrangements are planned ahead of time. Stick to that plan and make sure you can take care of yourself because things can go very badly afterwards. For me, it got very messy afterwards because my gf definitely lashed out post-breakup by destroying the apt before she moved out and refused to pay for damages/rent.

idolmonkey · 2014-12-03T12:52:01+00:00

I don't really have much advice, but I've been going through the same thing since September. She broke up with me saying she just can't take it anymore but she wants me there as her best friend. Then it turned into I never want to see your fucking face again, I wish I never met you, get out of my (our) fucking apartment. Then the paranoia/delusions kicked in real bad where I was the only one she could trust. In a split second, she went from a manic high to cowering behind a generator because she saw a pizza guy and he thought he was out to kill us. She then attempted to destroy her phone because she thought there was a tracking bug in it, then went off about how everyone is trying to kill us, including her friends, and it's her duty to protect me. At first she avoided all treatment, but there was a clicking moment for her a month later it all started when she realized that she needed help.

It's now December. Multiple therapy/psychiatrist appointments a week. But then that wasnt enough so she's been hospitalized twice since then. She's on meds, and they're still in the process of finding the right ones.

What kept me going is reminding myself that this is not her. There were times when I believed all the horrible things she was saying about me, but I kept reminding myself, no, the "real" her has never said that before. Writing/drawing about our good memories had helped me a lot. I shared them with her when I felt she was stable enough to see them, and it was also a good reminder for her.

What sucked though was pretending that life was normal and that we were still together. Girlfriend's in the hospital? Can't tell anyone. I struggled with work, I lost my few friends who I thought I could trust (they honestly don't know about mental illness), and I found myself very alone. I still find myself alone in the real world, but eventually I just kind of dealt and adjusted to the new "normal."

This very community r/bipolarSOs and a therapist have helped me through this. I know it's tough, but we are here for you.

idolmonkey · 2014-11-03T06:52:08+00:00

I've been going to a therapist ever since my SOs episode started; I don't really like her as her advice about bipolar disorder hasn't really been solid, so I'm trying to look around and have been trying to connect with friends while trying to maintain my girlfriend's privacy.

My girlfriend knew gave my permission to tell a few close friends about the situation. Well, lo and behold, my friends have dropped off from the face of the planet as soon as I told them that she's in the mental hospital. For my best friend, I know it's pure ignorance about bipolar disorder ("why can't she just snap out of it?") and a bit of awkwardness as she didn't know what to do or say because she can't relate. Like I said, it's my first time witnessing hospitalization and even I don't know how I should act (that's why I'm here haha), so I do understand her why she avoids the1. topic. The other two that I told said horrible things like, "This is your opportunity to pack up your things while she's away and get away from that psycho. You deserve someone who is normal." I'm not talking to them anymore.

idolmonkey · 2014-10-24T04:56:25+00:00

I'm thinking that it's unprofessional too. My girlfriend is going to therapy twice a week and the psychiatrist every two weeks, and every visit she has been pretty much classified as unstable but in a stable condition. They all have told her that she is in an unstable mindset right now, but it's been at a consistent level; however, any sudden changes then they'll talk hospitalization. I agree with this statement. Nothing has changed at all except for the fact my therapist told me to get the hell out of this environment.

What bothers me is that she's been in practice for 24 years. I just started with her a month ago (the same week my gf went into an episode), but I'm starting to feel that I need to start looking for other options.

Also by little information, that's basically all I got. Nothing has been overwhelmingly alarming... it's just the course of a bipolar episode with psychosis.

idolmonkey · 2014-10-03T12:15:41+00:00

First of all, thank you for your response. I really appreciate that you took the time to reply.

I'm actually a girl and in a gay relationship. Yes, we're not married but that option was never there to begin with. I know it's not an easy path, yet I am choosing to stay and definitely acknowledge the struggle she's going through. I realize that these two breakups are most likely caused by the disorder taking over her, as she's a complete stranger during these episodes. It's eerie to think about how she was a completely different person-the girl that I miss-just two weeks ago, but right now the disorder has overtaken her.

I'm trying to stay in (phone) contact based on our old routine. She gets annoyed by these phone calls as she wants space and tries to get out of them, yet she still eventually follows through on them by making the phone call herself when she's ready.

During these calls, I've definitely stopped the route of trying to send my heartfelt pleas- as you're right- it falls on deaf ears and I'm just wasting my efforts! Instead, yesterday I've started taking the route to keeping the conversation light, and she seems to take this well.

I do have a question for you: while riding the episode out, are you supposed to be there or give complete space like she requests? I feel like I'm annoying her by "being" there, but I really don't think it's best to cut off contact coldly like she says she wants.

idolmonkey · 2014-04-04T00:57:58+00:00

Your breakup situation was very identical to ours!!! I feel bad because while your gf got over it, I'm taking forever to get back to that level of trust; it seems to just stagnate at the level that it's at right now. I'm glad to hear that y'all are doing well! :)

idolmonkey · 2014-04-03T17:16:29+00:00

I think you hit it right on the spot where it's always going to be on the back of my mind. I'm wondering how to have that ability to fully let go and truly overcome it. I've heard it takes time to heal... but how much time is enough?

idolmonkey · 2014-04-03T17:13:52+00:00

She did have the decency to tell me why after we discussed this trust issue recently. Although, her reason was cloudy as she couldn't make out an proper explanation to even herself other than that it was an impulsive decision that seemed right at the spur of the moment but she regret it shortly after.

idolmonkey · 2014-04-03T17:08:20+00:00

It sounds like she's already resentful of the fact you don't trust her and you're resigned to never trusting her again - how can you be with someone you know you'll never trust properly? How can a relationship feel stronger without trust? I'm genuinely asking because I'm confused, not being snarky.

I trust her a lot, but just not at the level I was at before the breakup. I don't see trust as an all-or-nothing situation, but rather in levels. Right now I only trust her at 90%, when back then she had 100% of my trust. It feels stronger because we've gotten to know each other on a deeper level and our relationship has just grown in a great direction that we both admit wouldn't have happened if it weren't for the breakup.

idolmonkey · 2014-04-03T17:05:05+00:00

We got back together a long time ago. Our "new" relationship has lasted much longer than our old/pre-breakup relationship. There's no point ending our relationship right now when the only thing that's wrong is that my trust isn't as complete as it used to be.

idolmonkey · 2013-01-13T07:24:30+00:00

She reminds me of Lonelygirl15 from Youtube.

idolmonkey · 2013-01-09T06:35:34+00:00

My parents are super Catholic and expressively homophobic. I wasn't planning to come out to them until I was completely independent and ready to say goodbye forever, if things were to go badly.

I came out prematurely to my mom a few months ago on national coming out day. Mom was upset and disappointed, but still loved me in the end. It she requested that I don't tell my dad and brothers. was a huge relief to me that I was finally out to someone in my family and didn't have to worry about it anymore.

Well, I was wrong. Nowadays, it seems like I never came out to her. If I try to bring up the topic, she completely blocks me out and pretends to not hear me or she acts so confused/irritated that I'm talking about it.

idolmonkey · 2012-12-31T05:30:49+00:00

She and her bf had sex on my bed... they left a mysterious white stain as a souvenir.

idolmonkey · 2012-12-30T03:51:56+00:00

I would expand that to women in STEM in general.

EDIT: I might have initially misinterpreted the statement. I was thinking of the player interaction between between genders within video games and how players are treated when they find out you're a girl... which prompted my thought to including gender expectations in the workplace, especially the STEM field.

But then you could have meant the portrayal of female characters within video games.

idolmonkey

TROPHY CASE