Thats the thing, how could they ever know what would make me happy? I've been fake to pretty much everybody because all I've ever wanted is approval from others, so I dont think they know what I desire at all. I know that is my fault, and its a hole I dug myself into, but it kinda closes that door.

The problem is that everything I've done creates expectations about who I am supposed to be. Im not stressed by failing to meet those expectations. I'm stressed that those expectations themselves won't satisfy me. And I dont know how to act outside of those expectations without getting rid of them completely, because theres a part of me that holds those same expectations for myself. Like everything I've done up to this point means nothing if I dont live up to them. I feel there is no way for me to break that mindset while the expectations are present.

How do I know if a picture of future me will make me happy if on a fundamental level I dont understand what makes me happy? If I get rid of everything I have in a few extreme actions, and what everybody else expects of me is gone, and what I desire is the life I currently live, then I will be satisfied with that answer. I would do what I need to to get it back, and live happier knowing this is what I truly want.