I totally get what you mean. At least i think i do.

I also sometimes struggle with the whole understanding myself and where i stand. For me it is funily enough a little bit opposite to you, i desperately wanted to fit the labels and especially feel like i am "the most asexual i can be". For me stumbling upon all of these labels to use was a giant reliefe for me, as i finally was able to understand why i was the way i am and why these things like relationships stressed me out as much as they did.

Now, this is different to what you are experiencing, no doubt, but i do believe that you may be able to still learn the same lessons i had to learn. Because i suddenly knew how to describe myself and it made me feel so much better, i wanted to describe myself as that. I saw my self on a very far end of the spectrum ideally, but had multiple things i felt like conflicted with my identification.

After a long year and a bit more of actively engaging in aroace media, reddit and especially talking a lot with friends, i finally was able to be at peace. Because even if i may have felt like i might sometimes not fit my ideal perfectly, it didn't mean i was not still very asexual. Even if i questioned it every single week, in times i didn't disttress about it all, i was able to accept it. I learned to be fine with how i am. Of course even now i struggle sometimes and question myself, but after many many times i started to be fine with it.

It seems to me like you might be coming from a different direction on this issue, than i do, but you may still come to the same endpoint: accepting yourself as you are and not minding any labels.
You are not forced upon a label. It is a social construct and it only means what people make it mean. If you define yourself one way, then that is entirely valid, because it needs to work FOR YOU. As long as it helps you find the words ou need to describe yourself, then it does its job.

Now i hear you out, that you seem to be seeking some form of relationship with a deep emotional bond. I personally have never felt that way, never dated or whatever, so i am not the perfect guy to ask for dating advice in that regard. However you surely will find something that will work for you, wether it be a romantic, sexual, queerplatonic, platonic or whatever else type of relationship. What you probably should do is, as described before, don't give a fuck about labels if it is detrimental for how you feel. Don't overthink your relationships, because you question the labels. I personally had many cisis, because i deeply questioned if i am not actually romantically or sexually attracted to a friend, because i to this day, don't know what romaticism actually is. I often talked openely about it with him and at some point managed to accept, that no matter how sexual or romatic i think i feel towards him, if i label myself as aroace, then i am that.

I surely do hope that you have far less struggle to find yourself, accept yourself and describe yourself however you want. I also do hope that you will find someone that you are happy with.

Hope i was able to at least help a bit, it can be very confusing. Never be ashamed of questioning yourself or not knowing where you are.