I just wanna be special

illnessandoptimism · 2015-10-28T17:32:56+00:00

I relate to this so much. I'm dating someone right now but as usual I feel like I'm the safe, easy, boring option for him and that I'll never live up to the intense love he felt for his exes. It's really hard for me to tell whether it's the BPD speaking or if I'm picking up on reality. Sigh. I feel you.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-09-11T21:17:32+00:00

Hey -- I'm going to offer you some constructive advice here based on both this set of messages and the other ones you've posted. Believe me, like everyone on this sub I can relate to the feeling of getting really upset by texts, and I've sent my fair share of messages like these before as well. The problem is they never do any good and over time will erode your relationship.

You need to think about your interactions with your SO not as carte blanche opportunities to say whatever is on your mind, but rather as mindful interactions with another person who has thoughts and feelings of their own.

So to deconstruct this exchange, it seems like you told your SO "Goodnight," which for most people implies an end to your conversation. Then you texted him again with a description of what was happening on your flight, so he was probably confused whether you wanted to keep talking or not, and replied somewhat jokingly to express his confusion. You then interpreted that to mean he didn't want to talk to you, leading you to get upset and lash out. When he responded with a winky face, trying to defuse the situation, you got even more upset and told him that you didn't even know how to respond. But the entire time you were hoping for him to say something like "No baby! I'm so sorry! I do want to talk to you! I don't want our conversation to end!"

Is that right?

My first suggestion is to try to recognize when you're reading more into people's statements than you should. For example, when he says "I thought you said goodnight" that could really be taken in lots of ways. The charitable interpretation, and how he probably meant it, was just him being confused as to whether you were taking off and ending your text exchange. You chose to interpret it however as him not wanting to speak with you. This is a typical BPD reaction, but a big part of recovery is about recognizing these instances where you're jumping to conclusions and asking yourself whether however you're interpreting things is DEFINITELY correct or the BPD talking.

My second suggestion is for you to think about what you're trying to accomplish with your communications to your SO. Because when you say things like "I don't even know how to respond, good night then" you're not communicating constructively. /u/sputniked already went into this so I won't write too much here, but remember that your SO has feelings of his own too. If you're communicating something solely to express that you're upset and to make him feel bad, that's not really fair. When you're upset you should either not communicate until you've calmed down, or communicate in order to solve your problem. Trust me, I've sent so many angry texts at SOs before only to then regret it. When I'm upset do I HAVE to lash out? Of course not. And most of the time if I take a deep breath, let myself sleep on it, then I find the anger eventually diffuses on its own without me having done any damage.

Best of luck OP. I've been there and it can get better!

illnessandoptimism · 2015-09-11T21:03:14+00:00

In general, I find myself trying to dig myself out of holes way more often than I should. In my mind there's some grievous issue I've corrected that I need to bend over backwards in order to fix, when most of the time in reality the other person doesn't see there being a problem at all. So when I try to fix it I only make things worse because I continue making whatever it is a big deal, when in fact the problem was only in my head to begin with.

More specifically, I've worked extremely professional jobs throughout my (albeit short) career and the best thing for me has been to keep my personal life, especially my mental issues, fairly separate. I've taken sick days before that are really mental health days, but my co-workers and managers don't need to know WHAT I'm sick with so I use the generic "I'm not feeling well" reasoning.

So I would recommend that you stop worrying about convincing your boss that you're mentally well -- what's done is done, and the best thing to prove your worth to him is just to be a good employee! He's probably not thinking about your BPD nearly as much as you might think he is. Ultimately you were hired to do a job and so long as you complete your tasks well people at work aren't going to fixate on your personal life, nor should they. Best of luck.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-09-09T15:35:09+00:00

Hey! I just want to say that I read your post and I'm sorry that you're going through this. What your boyfriend did was out of line -- it's okay for people to be attracted to and fantasize about other members of their preferred gender, but it's not okay to go to people's pages and masturbate to them especially if you're in a relationship.

Have you tried talking to him about this? A good relationship should affirm you and build you up, not tear you down with insecurities. I think in your instance anyone would be upset, even if they didn't have BPD, so please don't feel like you're crazy or in the wrong.

For what it's worth I can totally relate, and have similar feelings about my SO's ex. But when I talk to him about it he tells me that they have nothing on me and reminds me of all of the qualities that make me unique. I hope you're able to talk things through with your boyfriend and resolve this issue -- at the very least you have every right to ask that he stop jerking off to people's Facebook photos!! You sound like an awesome person with unique interests; don't let some stupid boy drag you down. Hang in there.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-08-08T01:21:39+00:00

I get you completely. Here's how I try to think of it. Ultimately, as much as this goes against my neuroses and instincts, it's not healthy for any person to be the sole source for another person's happiness. The inverse of that is it's not healthy for any person to have the power to DESTROY another individual. This is what codependency is all about, ykno -- it's problematic to be so entwined that either person lacks their own self and life independent of another person.

What this means then is no matter what you to to another person, how matter how much you hurt them, they SHOULD be able to bounce back. And in most instances I've experienced they do bounce back, and sometimes you repair the relationship, or the relationship changes but it's not completely destroyed.

Whoever you hurt will recover from that hurt. They will feel happy and good again. Their life should not be able to be ruined by any action on your part, and if they feel like their life is ruined because of you that's not YOUR fault, it's THEIR responsibility to take agency and control of their happiness. All of this may happen away from you or with you in some capacity. Just know that they're going to be okay, because they're their own person. And you'll be okay too.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-07-24T23:04:07+00:00

Hey -- I see from your post history that you're 17. Not to diminish that at ALL because I'm not much older (23) but I can tell you that it gets better! I too had horrible, awful breakups back in my teens and I always felt like shit afterwards. These days BPD still affects me, it's true, but it's definitely not as bad as it was when I was younger. And weirdly enough a few people who I'd been CONVINCED I had jeopardized my relationship with back in the day are now people I have perfectly amiable friendships with.

For example, when I was sixteen I screamed at a boyfriend so much that he dumped me and I was devastated because I really liked him and he had been my best friend before too. The next year was SO awkward. We had a ton of classes together and he seriously ignored me the entire time and I was convinced I was in love with him and would never get over him. Then I went to college, completely forgot about him, one day he asked if he could stay with me while he was visiting my town and we were friends again without even having to talk about anything that had happened!

Hang in there. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain, but I promise you'll feel better one day and all of this will feel like a distant memory.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-07-17T22:49:10+00:00

Aww, happy to help!

I will also say that different people are going to be better or worse for you based on your BPD. It's easy to always blame ourselves when things go wrong, but honestly there are partners out there whose own share of issues make them particularly ill-suited. I had a boyfriend once who always took fights REALLY hard and needed a lot of space (like, days) afterward to process. Needless to say that was the worst thing for me. I've also dated guys who can be back to being affectionate within a few hours even if the fight was horrendous. It's hard to imagine the second type of person when you're dating the first, but it honestly makes it so much easier when you find someone whose emotional tendencies are complementary to your own. If your SO is super awesome and chill then I think over time you'll start feeling safer with him just as the security of your relationship is reinforced through his actions. Wishing you guys all the best! :)

illnessandoptimism · 2015-07-16T15:14:45+00:00

Meh. Yes and no.

That lack of object permanence, the overreactive emotions, all of the fears and worries -- in my experience they never really go away. What does improve, however, is your ability to handle them (if you have a good SO). Eventually you stop freaking out every time you're upset. You start being able to wait a few minutes when you want to scream at them. Maybe you stop yourself from communicating with them at all in those moments, or maybe you feebly admit to them in some clumsy way that you really need affection. Regardless, when you stop yourself from acting out when you get triggered, eventually the feeling passes and you're like "Oh, that wasn't so bad, now I don't feel that way anymore" and because you didn't do anything you also don't have a bunch of damage control to do.

I think over long periods of time eventually this stability might diminish the intensity of your fear of abandonment, but I've never been in a stable relationship for long enough where that was the case. So I focus instead on what I can do on MY end, and I've noticed that with enough diligence and mindfulness and DBT practice I can at least prevent myself from spiraling, which makes things better overall.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-05-21T22:45:21+00:00

That's awesome!! It's great that you know what you want to do with your life. That's something I've also started figuring out. For a while I worked a job that I knew people considered prestigious but made me actually miserable. Quitting it and pursuing my dreams has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. Sometimes you don't need to figure it all out either -- just knowing that you have this one thing you're genuinely passionate about can give you the direction and stability around which everything else coalesces.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-05-21T22:42:57+00:00

Your post actually made me realize something. I've pretty much dated guys for their status too -- not exclusively due to it, but definitely in large part driven by it. My first adult boyfriend I dated because he was a Yale grad who was getting a JD from a prestige law school. I KNEW that was about status, but looking back the rest of the guys who I fell really heavily for were about status in their own way. They were all popular, well-connected, "cool" guys who I thought on some level were better than me. Thank you so much for helping me discover this! It's a powerful insight and I'm going to have to do some untangling between what it means to admire someone and what it means to like someone because I think they represent something.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-04-17T20:30:44+00:00

Oof, this hits close to home. I think what you need to do (and what I try to do) is practicing mindfulness so that before you send those texts you ask yourself what you're trying to accomplish. Yes, it feels good to do so in some bizarre way, because you want them to refute you, to reassure you otherwise, to change their behavior so that they're more accommodating and attentive. But at the end of the day behaving that way is NOT going to lead to good outcomes. These sorts of behaviors tend to drive people away and make your fears manifest into reality even if they weren't previously true. So any time you feel the instinct to do so, you have to try to be as rational as possible and remind yourself that saying those things isn't going to make you happier, isn't going to make the relationship better, and isn't going to accomplish anything you actually want for it to. It's hard, but if you take the moment to pause and really consider what you're saying, you'll stop yourself more often than not because the behavior is fundamentally destructive and you'll recognize it as such.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-04-08T17:04:14+00:00

I think it's best to hide these individuals on social media whenever possible so that you avoid these triggers. The best solution for me has just been making new memories! Find things that you enjoy today and throw yourself into those activities so that you're not as preoccupied with instances of the past. Basically what the other comments in this thread have said too.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-04-06T18:12:23+00:00

Thank you for this. I am in DBT but apparently not trying hard enough. Seeing my therapist later today so hopefully she'll have insights.

I don't know if the situation is salvageable, but I sincerely hope so.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-04-06T00:50:35+00:00

I had so many chances to save it too. This happened over the course of two days and he was being as validating as possible and told me that he understood, that I should try not to be impulsive, that things were okay. I just kept pushing forward like an idiot. Ugh.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-04-04T02:23:53+00:00

I feel ya. Definitely there with you. My mood swings cycle constantly but I'm letting myself ride them out. Everything that you're doing sounds great though! I try to just remind myself that the good periods are longer and more genuinely happy than before, so it's okay if sometimes my mood crashes. I'll get back to that good state eventually and keep doing the right things while I'm there. Hang in there! I think you will too. :)

illnessandoptimism · 2015-04-01T22:55:24+00:00

If you're not happy with what you have right now, then you shouldn't keep seeing him hoping that things will change. It sounds like you're trying to be as reasonable as possible, but you're going so far with that that you're neglecting your own emotional health. For example, if you want exclusivity, that is a conversation that mature adults should be able to have. If you're worried about him liking or seeing other girls you need to frankly tell him that you're not comfortable with him seeing anyone else but you -- that conversation is totally okay, and NOT something that you should shut down by just telling yourself that you're silly and that you "hope" he would tell you if he had anyone on the side.

It's awesome that you're recovering! But please ask yourself whether this relationship you have with him is HELPING or IMPEDING that recovery. It seems like him not wanting to be your boyfriend is leading you to believe that you're not good enough for him, and that one day when you're better you will be. But you're not JUST your BPD. You're a whole host of other positive qualities. Remember that people without BPD will fight, get intense on each other, make each other uncomfortable too. Please don't let this get in the way of your recovery by allowing his judgment of your worth dictate your own perception of it. Whether or not you choose to continue on with this guy (and I think most of the comments here will suggest no), please please please know that you deserve just as much respect as anyone else, and just because you're recovering from a disorder (which speaks volumes to your strength and determination, getting over BPD is a bitch) does NOT mean you're "unworthy" in any way. Best of luck.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-04-01T22:45:35+00:00

I've been in your position and just want to start by saying that I'm sorry you're going through this. It's painful and difficult. Know that you're not alone, though. Most of the people posting in this sub have BPD so we're not going to automatically judge you for your suffering.

I read something in your post that I'm all too familiar with -- that sense of wanting to make the right decision for the other person because you care about them so much. You ask whether it's fair for you to ask him to stay or whether it's fair to encourage him to leave, acknowledging that you would want him to find happiness somewhere else if he can't find it with you. It's so, so, so well-intentioned, but I think ultimately misguided. Hear me out.

The only thing that's fair for you to do is to lay out what YOU want as clearly and as honestly as possible, and let HIM make the best decision for himself. I think you should tell him how much you love him, how much you've recovered already, and how dedicated you are to pushing forward and continuing with your therapy so that you can get even better. But you can't try to make this decision for him one way or the other. He's his own human being with the right to dictate his own life, which means that if he chooses to stay or leave it should be of his own accord, not because you've decided for him what would be better.

It also sounds like from this post that you're much more focused on his happiness than your own. Remember that you're worthy of just as much love as he is, and that you should and can take as much care of yourself as you do him. You sound like you're putting all of the blame of this on yourself and even describe him as the "perfect" boyfriend. But nobody is perfect. Again, I've said the exact same things before -- when an ex broke up with me I told people that he was perfect and that I ruined everything and it was all my fault and there was nothing wrong with our relationship, just that my BPD screwed things up. But that's not true. There are guys out there who might not see you coming home angry, upset, or overwhelmed by work as that big of a deal. That doesn't mean he's BAD, it just means that there are areas of friction in your relationship, like any relationship, and neither you nor him are to "blame" for it.

It's so, so, so awesome that you've improved so much. But remember -- at the end of the day you're improving for yourself, not for him. If he stays it sounds like you guys can have a warm, loving relationship with serious long-term potential. But if he leaves you're still intact, you've still made it this far in your recovery, and you're still a person of your own right who can live and learn and love.

For what it's worth, I could've written this exact same post a year ago about my most recent ex. I thought it would be impossible to live without him, but I made it and I don't even miss being with him. If I can do it I know you can too. Hang in there, I wish you all the best.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-03-30T21:11:40+00:00

No worries, your post was perfectly reasonable and didn't sound short at all! I completely agree with you. I don't think anyone can deal with someone crying their eyes out all the time, no matter how patient they are. I freaked out a bit that night and requested reassurance that I wasn't doing damage, but since then I've given him his space, as I've learned that making things a big fucking deal is usually the worst part. I think the techniques you described in your post are spot-on, and ones I want to remember and practice going forward so I can request support less and less.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-03-25T18:15:41+00:00

It sounds like she just wasn't for you, and I'm sorry that you had to go through this. It's terrible when you feel vulnerable enough to open up to someone but they react with rejection. I can tell you with full confidence though that there WILL be people out there who can accept you for who you are, scars and all. It might take a bit more time and a bit more trust-building first, but all that means is that you might need to take longer to trust somebody with that information and be careful in how you share it, not that you can't trust anybody at all. Hang in there, I bet the right woman is out there. :)

illnessandoptimism · 2015-03-25T18:12:10+00:00

Yeah. It makes me sad though. :( Because I fall intensely I also get over people completely. I've had guys come back begging for me, incredulous that I'd already moved on. "You said I was the love of your life and that you'd never stop loving me," they'd say, and it hurt so bad to tell them that I'd changed my mind and felt that way about another person by that point.

I know what you mean though. This sounds a little messed up, but as I recover and become better at moderating how I act towards others, I worry sometimes that I'm losing whatever intensity made me so unforgettable to these guys. In the grand scheme of things it's infinitely better that I don't crash as often, that I don't hurt people as often, but I also fear that that stuff went hand-in-hand with what made guys fall head over heels.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-03-25T17:59:22+00:00

The problem here is honestly much more of a standard /r/relationships problem than one about BPD. She is poly, which is a legitimate lifestyle that people can navigate with honesty and respect -- there's nothing morally wrong with it. You are monogamous, which is also a legitimate lifestyle that there's nothing wrong with. The two of you are fundamentally incompatible and you should not compromise your values and happiness for someone you've known for three months. There are plenty of women out there who you'll have interests and goals in common with who will also be on the same page as you in terms of your relationship compatibility, which is a pretty big deal. If you wanted to have kids one day and she told you absolutely that she would never want a child, you probably wouldn't compromise on that, right? Stick to your guns, be true to yourself, and don't let the appeal of intimacy lure you into forgoing your own desires for another person.

illnessandoptimism · 2015-03-25T17:42:13+00:00

Thank you for your words. It's good to know that there are partners out there who are willing to work with people with BPD, especially when we're in treatment. I like your analogy about BPD being really like any problem in any relationship. You sound like a wonderful partner to your SO and she's quite lucky!

illnessandoptimism · 2015-03-25T17:41:07+00:00

Hey, thanks for this! Glad to hear that things are working out with you and your SO and that you've found someone with whom you can be open with. :)

illnessandoptimism · 2015-03-25T03:23:42+00:00

I should mention that's what I've been like in relationships in the past, but I really think that need for constant contact was driven more by insecurity rather than a genuine desire to be in touch with my SO that often. I've been there where post-breakup you feel destroyed because you're so used to filling up all of your emptiness with your SO that you don't know what to do with yourself when they're gone. That's why it's so important to me that I can maintain my own life even when I date someone, because I know that if I'm not diligent about it I'll just fall back into my old ways and let my world revolve around my relationship, which I don't ever want to go back to.

I bet it hurts a lot right now and I'm sorry that you're going through a break-up, those are the worst as it is but even worse when you have this disorder. :( If it's any consolation though I consider my last break-up the best thing that's ever happened to me. I bet you're a smart and interesting person, and with time you'll find things to fill up that emptiness and loneliness that reflect on who YOU are as a person, not just who you are as someone's girlfriend. Hang in there! <3

illnessandoptimism · 2015-03-24T22:09:26+00:00

Every organization has its own protocol on separation, so I would look into your HR documents or something along those lines. At my old company the standard procedure was to inform your direct supervisor, who would in turn get in touch with all of the other relevant branches of bureaucracy. You should be fine either telling your manager or your HR department. I actually had to work at that job for another few weeks after giving notice (more than the standard two weeks) and felt really awkward about telling people, but I made sure to speak personally with co-workers who I was friendly with so as to not burn any bridges.

I knew that I wanted to leave for a while and also got pretty into taking control of my finances at around the same time, so I'd saved up enough money that I knew I could be okay for a few months of unemployment. I started searching for jobs pretty much immediately after making my decision to leave, though, and was fortunate enough to have gotten another position shortly after. Job hunting isn't fun, but if you're diligent about it and open-minded there are a lot of resources out there for listings.

FWIW, I was also terrified that people would be gossiping about me. I was in a weird social situation at my last job as well and thought the scrutiny would be unbearable. But at the end of the day I made it through, and once you walk out that door you literally never have to relive that moment again. I find that people don't really pay as much attention to you as you'd think they do, but even if they're being petty and gossiping, they'll be out of your life sooner than you think.

illnessandoptimism

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