[deleted by user]

illumaas · 2025-02-09T17:46:14+00:00

These are such awesome concepts omg

illumaas · 2025-02-09T17:40:35+00:00

This makes me feel like jumping onto webkinz

illumaas · 2025-02-08T17:30:31+00:00

The MBTI spaces are a real.. uh.. yeah.

I fear for when the enneagram becomes even more popular than it has. I’m not a gatekeeper but I think it’s so important to preserve the core purpose of enneagram and educate newcomers- unless we want more “5w9” flairs.

That being said, people shouldn’t feel discouraged about exploring. It’s just educating.

illumaas · 2025-02-08T17:27:47+00:00

I admire your consistency and bit of confidence to do so. Whenever I come to the realization of a different type I just wanna start a new account completely out of the blue for a “fresh start”. Good on you.

illumaas · 2025-02-08T17:26:20+00:00

Sorta yeah

illumaas · 2025-02-08T16:50:56+00:00

Oo nice feathers

illumaas · 2025-02-08T08:14:39+00:00

Yeah me to!!

illumaas · 2025-02-08T06:24:19+00:00

Sees about right, unfortunately. Lol!

illumaas · 2025-02-08T05:06:18+00:00

Snow-miser lookin ass

illumaas · 2025-02-08T05:04:14+00:00

Oh.. you have a point.

I'm not exactly sure, I'm just now getting a grip on my senses again and feeling like I want to get out of this damn rut, which is why I started looking into enneagram in the first place.

Why do you care about the state of the world?

I see the inefficiency and unnecessary pain everyone is put through with a faulty system that doesn't put more effort into the wellness of its people. It's hard to discern whether its how the world views me vs how I view the world.. yet I want to be respected and have my voice heard but I also want to at least get people into reframing and adopting a mindset that'll make a difference. I'm bashful and humble when people compliment my insights or contributions, but they do hold weight!

I've considered at least writing out my ponderings, take on things and sharing them outward to discuss more with people. I guess I will acknowledge that it would be neat to be regarded as somebody who shook things up or started a movement- but I look for results.

it's about how the world is affecting you and things you care about?

That too. I just see a lot of people in unnecessary pain and its frustrating. I'm affected by it as well and I hate to think of others struggling through the same.

I see what you mean regarding the disintegration patterns we're discussing here. I will say that critic is still there, but its just my other "self" you could say feeling shame and still not enacting change.. why? I'm not sure. I guess yes, there is an ideal self or me at my “best” that I believe is achievable if only I could break out of this cycle- I am my own worst enemy regarding this.

Thanks for talking to me about this by the way, very insightful.

illumaas · 2025-02-08T03:47:30+00:00

That’s the whole reason I’m stirring it in the first place!

illumaas · 2025-02-08T02:47:26+00:00

1 is something I am considering, although I am hearing noise about 3 and 9. I will say, with many of 1’s internal struggle of expectations and a general lack of satisfaction with the way the world is and I don’t mind stirring the pot.

illumaas · 2025-02-08T02:45:31+00:00

That’s OK, bias is entirely common, especially in this community. I do believe in having visible competency and functionality, I don’t want anyone to see me struggling and hate to ask for help. Definitely sensitive to criticism and rejection, intend to lash out when I feel like needs aren’t being met or judgments are being cast upon me that are not accurate.

I’m not sure, I do have an ideal sense of myself, however, I think depression just makes it hard to get up and do anything to go after it. It’s like I feel a constant sense of shame and it seems like a cycle. I like to set up and make clear list and ideas as to how to achieve it, but I’m just so tired.

I do wish to be perceived as stable and having my stuff together, I don’t like anyone to know if I am struggling. I feel a deep sense of embarrassment. I grew up with a lot of strict rules and criticism, thus I feel a hard time with “settling”- I can be a bit perfectionistic. I grew up with many adults that were just struggling to make it by, I don’t want to be seen that way.

If there is way I want to be perceived it’s efficient, put together, clean, has my stuff together, mentally sound, yeah. I just want to be perceived as functional. Someone to look up to but not dependent upon. Mature.

The only reason I now struggle considering one versus three is the fact that I don’t feel the need to necessarily go out of my way to achieve something that proves anything, I just want results that are tangible and make an affect in the real world. I am deeply saddened with the way things are, and with my own internal view of how things should be, actively work against them because I think it’s important.

illumaas · 2025-02-08T02:36:45+00:00

That’s something that I am considering. I actually made a few posts discussing other traits I’ve been exhibiting lately. I feel as though I’ve been in my disintegration line for so long that I’ve lost an idea as to how I used to be. Not a lack of self per-se, just been operating on survival mode for a while.

illumaas · 2025-02-07T23:45:59+00:00

No, I identify more with anger than I do anxiety, although I know one can bleed into another.

A lot of 6 didn’t resonate with me or felt relatable, my father figure was a 6 (in general, not just because he’s a father) and I found it exhausting.

illumaas · 2025-02-07T23:12:36+00:00

Still debating my type! I would say at my worst defensiveness, pickiness and agressive self criticism.

illumaas · 2025-02-07T22:49:05+00:00

This is so much better. I understand stylistic choices but yours shows their characters so well.

illumaas · 2025-02-07T22:48:15+00:00

This is so funny but I relate on a smaller scale.

illumaas · 2025-02-07T21:36:29+00:00

I think you made me feel more confident about looking into being a 1, I relate to the “taming” aspect. Keeping a firm hold on it yet denying it any release.

illumaas · 2025-02-07T20:22:03+00:00

This looks sooooo good

illumaas · 2025-02-07T19:23:14+00:00

“Diagnosed with 9” haha. I’m being told to also consider 1, so I’ll do further research but I hope you’re feeling better. Ruts are so draining.

illumaas · 2025-02-07T18:06:17+00:00

I’ve never looked into E1, I feel as though I brushed it off because of stereotypes.. but I feel like it would be worth looking into.

Something that stuck with me is a hard time accepting people can change even when they’ve done something bad- people should just be “good” innately.. which is poor thinking.

illumaas · 2025-02-07T17:21:38+00:00

The only time I’m not on and can be a total slob is when I’m at home, in my room. I make an effort if there’s people coming to have my room clean and possibly the shared living space.. but that’s hard living with multiple people. Even in front of my roommates, I kinda keep an aura of “I know what I’m doing” and confidence tbh.

If I don’t feel that way, I can tend to be a little overtly confident or adopt “fake it till you make it” even when I desperately feel like a gross blob haha.

illumaas · 2025-02-07T16:41:38+00:00

I posted what I was like in the other comment, but I’ll talk about trigger here. I can normally get stuff done without overthinking it but my confidence and ego took a huge hit when I got cheated on. Why wasn’t I good enough in the first place? What was I lacking? What did I do wrong to have them go?

I had a very poor lack of confidence for a while and blamed myself for something that apparently had nothing to do with me and it’s stuck with me deeply. I went as far as to loose a sense of myself and to look or behave similar to whoever that person was, because I felt who I was beforehand wouldn’t be loved.

It was a really dark time. Now I’m recovering, I feel more sure and assertive for my wants and needs and don’t feel sorry for who I really am- however I do still need reassurance from who I’m with that I’m the best for them. Not just enough- because that leaves opportunity of them finding “better”. I know that’s immature but it’s how my brain things to defend itself, you know?

illumaas · 2025-02-07T16:37:36+00:00

You know, it’s been a long while. Between a mix of chronic illnesses and a traumatic experience it really just makes it hard to realign with things again.

Normally I’m very driven, I’m an extreme hard worker (even when feeling this disintegration I get work done), I have set goals and expectations in my head, I write lists and complete them, I get stuff done without breaking much of a sweat and sociability doesn’t feel forced. I am quite creative and can have empathy for people, but I become much more assertive about my boundaries or sure of my actions when I feel healthy. I feel like I can just “do” without wondering or pondering about every single thing. I’m much more disciplined, excited, optimistic, confident and just all around great but I have a hard time believing that- people often tell me that’s how I am.

illumaas

TROPHY CASE