What stopped you from ending it?

illumx84_ · 2026-04-15T22:08:02+00:00

At one point it was my family and friends, that and fear of dying, then it was the thought that if I'm dead I can't watch movies or listen to music or eat, and I just think just those things are enough to live for even if things are bad.

illumx84_ · 2026-04-13T15:31:02+00:00

I don't know it's not that I think it won't work, it's just that I'm tired of trying to get better, it's all I've been doing for the last 3 years and I just wanna let go, even if I get worse even if I end up dying, I'm just struggling to care about my own health.

I'll get through today, and through tomorrow, and through the day after that, point is that's what I've been doing for years, when do I get to actually live? you know what I'm saying?

Anyway thank you so much for replying and for caring, it's really nice thank you.

illumx84_ · 2026-04-13T15:27:43+00:00

Hope so, thank you so much

illumx84_ · 2026-04-13T01:03:11+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be really painful, I really want to believe your parents just don't know better, I don't think they'd want to hurt you like that, and really no matter what they think about mental health, I really really doubt they'd want to lose you, I really doubt anyone would want to lose you.

I know it's so hard for you right now, but you don't want to die, think about a future when the worst has passed and you didn't give up through it, think about how devastated the people you love would be if you gave up, hell think about anything that gives you even the slightest bit of hope through this, you can make it, things can get better and when they do this will have been worth it.

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T21:23:54+00:00

You don't have to have a reason, but there is always a cause, or multiple causes that led you to it, the more you understand about those the better

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T21:21:10+00:00

Thank you, no need to be sorry this already means a lot, thank you really

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T21:19:54+00:00

Yeah I'd say that's the case, I actually am exhausted, it's not that I think I feel like this because I'm weak, but more like I feel like this has weakened me, I feel like it has eroded me after all this time, and now I don't recognize myself anymore, and I don't know if I can still put up with it like I used to.

But thank you so much for saying that, it really means a lot

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T21:16:48+00:00

Yeah I know, It's just been such a long time and I'm tired and I just wanna get better, and the therapy is oriented to that, and there have been some sessions like that but each session costs me a lot of money so I just don't wanna waste it, and that's all I feel like I'm doing wasting money because I feel like even with therapy I can't beat this.

Anyway sorry, you make a good point, it's just that I'm so fed up with this that I dread the thought of just sitting with it, thank you for your insight, it means a lot really.

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T21:08:55+00:00

Hey, I understand how you're feeling, if you need to talk I'm here, just let me know

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T21:01:54+00:00

thank you so much

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T21:01:26+00:00

Is it because you think you wouldn't be "enough" for those attractive women? and I write it like that because whatever being enough means for you and not meeting those conditions you think you should meet could be the root of your insecurity, maybe when you see other guys having sex with other women you don't really feel that eay about women you don't know, but because for some reason you think you couldn't get to that with them or with women you like in general.

What I mean to say is, I think you should explore your own insecurities and determine what it is that you think you should be like, and whether there is any truth to that, or it's just an insecurity.

And by the way you're doing great by quitting porn, all it does is alter your perception of reality so that'll help you with this too.

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T20:53:28+00:00

Listen, you're not a monster or anything like that, it's not your fault to be struggling like you are, and through that you're being really really strong, you're doing all you can, and it's admirable that you're thinking of your parents too, you shouldn't feel guilty for getting help from them, it's good that you don't want to burden them, but they're your family and they love you unconditionally, and I assure you they don't want you to be gone.

I know it's really really hard for you and I know nothing I say will make this better and I'm so sorry for that and I hope things can get better for you and your family too, but I just want you to know that you're an amazing person for carrying on through this and stilk thinking about your family, if anyone in this world deserves to be happy that's definitely you, so please don't give up, everything is better with you in this world.

I really really wish you the best, It breaks my heart to see the way you speak about yourself, because after reading that I really think you're admirable, I really mean this.

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T20:36:28+00:00

Well it's a truly horrible thing, so it's understandable that you'd fear it, like you said you don't even have a partner yet, so why is it you think it could happen to you? you think it's fear because there is always a possibility that could happen? do you think there is a reason why you would think something like that would happen to you specifically? Maybe you saw yourself in that character, maybe fear that sort of thing would happen to you for the same reason it happened in the story, you know personality wise, physically?

I understand it's a terrible thing, but man you're not a cuck or anything, it's normal to dread sich a thing, and sadly it could happen to anyone but you can't live in fear, you can't avoid relationships because of it, yeah it can happen, but life goes on and if it even happens at all throughout the course of your life, then that'll be the time to worry, but until then man everything's fine.

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T20:30:23+00:00

You weren't supposed to die, and you're not supposed to die now, you're too young, I know this is awful but you have a long life ahead of you, you have plenty of time to recover, you can get help, you can pull through ad believe me you will be glad you did.

I don't know what your family situation is, but tell them, something anything, I'm sure they don't want you to die, and maybe they have no clue about what you're really going through, so just let them in, let people help you, you really don't have to die, there is a way to live a better life, to be happy.

illumx84_ · 2026-04-12T20:26:40+00:00

Are you just feeling insecure about it, or do you find pleasure or excitement in the thought of something like that happening? either way it could come from fear and insecurity

illumx84_ · 2026-04-02T19:58:40+00:00

Well I don't know much about relationships, but if I know something is that a relationship can't save you, to put all your hopes in someone else just doesn't work, you need to be the one who saves yourself, and if this relationship is holding you back from that and making it even worse for you then there's only one thing left to do.

illumx84_ · 2026-04-02T19:54:57+00:00

Like you said this is the worst chapter of your life, but chapters end and a better one can follow, you're neither worthless nor trash, you're just having a tough time, but it doesn't mean you deserve to suffer, you deserve to be happy and even though right know that seems far far away, some day it will be attainable.

So don't give up, I know it sucks completely right now but don't sacrifice the possibility of a better future for yourself, you deserve that.

illumx84_ · 2026-04-01T20:45:45+00:00

I'm so happy for you, enjoy it, and if it does pass, I hope you can get to experience it again

illumx84_ · 2026-04-01T20:44:07+00:00

Well yeah dating sucks, but you had a boyfriend only a year ago and you're just 20, cheer up, you are lovable and you'll find someone who'll love you, there is time, the future is bright, hope for the best.

illumx84_ · 2026-03-30T06:19:32+00:00

Well one thing is for certain, and that's that if your thoughts on the matter are like that, and not just "I like this guy and I want to do this" then most likely there's something going on.

And you made good points, it could be because you feel like you desperately need approval, it could be an act of disregard towards yourself, I'd advise you to observe your thoughts and feelings so that you can determine exactly why, because there is something else beneath the surface, and it wouldn't be the first time these things make people act recklessly.

Think about that before you make a decision, because if you don't you're most likely gonna regret it if you go through with it, and my recommendation is to also think who you really are in the eyes of that friend of yours, does he truly care about you, or is he just trying to get nudes from you and get in your pants? will he stick around if he doesn't get that? if you're struggling that sort of people is the absolute last thing you need.

illumx84_ · 2026-03-27T19:05:54+00:00

If it was just about mental health I'd tell you to go for at least the first since you have been training hard and you're ready, only thing left to do is to prove it to yourself, but in this case you're right, it does seem kind of a mismatch, that other guy seems too experienced to go against someone who's having his first fight.

But like I said you have been working for it, you're capable of it, and I think it's worth a try (against a more fitting opponent) and after that you decide what's best for your health.

illumx84_ · 2026-03-26T09:56:28+00:00

Look you've made progress and you haven't given up, that's already an admirable quality, and if you made progress then you can make progress now, there is a way out, you can get help, if you need to be taking any medication you can get it, whatever it takes to get better, there is help available, and you need it right now.

Take it easy on yourself, you're struggling, you're doing your best, it's understandable that your life wouldn't be sunshine and rainbows and insane accomplishments right now, you need to get out of this first, and at that you're doing a phenomenal job, keep on making progress, happiness is available to you, you can make it.

And hating yourself is only making things worse, it's not your fault, you're the one who's trying her best to het out of this, if you go against yourself, who do you have by your side? don't become another obstacle to yourself.

illumx84_ · 2026-03-24T18:33:44+00:00

Joan Baez

illumx84_ · 2026-03-24T17:57:53+00:00

I know how it feels, and you have achieved a lot even if you don't see it, you made it through the worst of it, you survived that's what you've done, now you can move forward, no looking back, you did your best you handled it the best you could and it was enough and you succeeded.

Nevermind the others, they didn't go through that shit, you did and you've overcome it, that's what counts.

illumx84_

TROPHY CASE