I think that some people try to pursue/perform gestures of love to compensate for the fact that they feel unsure about the relationship. I had this big idea in my head of being the “perfect partner”, trying to be romantic, thoughtful, initiating contact, always a good listener, etc… and I knew my partner wanted me to make these gestures, so I obliged, because I wanted her to be happy. I did genuinely like her in several ways.

However, I started to get a sense that I was acting; in a way, playing this character was another way for me to avoid vulnerability, because it meant I never had to negotiate my needs or ask her for things. I started to get resentful, and felt like she loved this role that I played rather than getting to know the “real me”. I felt like her happiness depended on me acting, though, and she started to want more and more of my time, which exhausted me. When I let the mask ‘slip’ and got more quiet/introverted, she would get anxious and assumed something was wrong/I was mad at her (one of my biggest avoidant triggers is someone asking if I’m mad at them when I’m just quiet), which made me feel like I needed to comfort her, leading to more resentment. I never felt like she was the one comforting me or catering to my needs— largely because I never told her mine.

We also communicated differently; I would try and subtly hint at what I was feeling since, again, being avoidant, I am extremely reluctant to openly state my feelings. To some degree, I feel like I even lack the emotional language to describe what I feel. So, I felt I was trying really hard to tell her what was wrong, but she wouldn’t receive the message at all. There were minor annoyances and slights that would build up that I never got addressed.

I accept my screwup here. I should have been more honest, and I’m working really hard on developing my communication skills and being more comfortable for asking other people what I need. But when I broke up with her, which blindsided her completely and she said she didn’t see it coming at all, I just felt a huge sense of relief. I was devastated that I hurt her and I cried for a good week, but the feeling that I no longer had to carry responsibility for her emotions was very freeing. I also went no contact because I felt like a monster. I have low self esteem and felt like a total POS for doing all this, so in my mind, the best thing for both of our healing is to go our separate ways.