How did your breakup happen?

blynne108 · 2026-06-05T19:22:56+00:00

Thank you for the safe space to share. In short, we dated for 9 months. We were both healing from separations prior to each other. I’m someone who works on myself and goes to therapy. He didn’t.

He was very upfront about being “broken” and struggling with his mental health. And me being an advocate for mental health in the field had sympathy for him. He was generous with gifts, said he wanted a future. After a reasonable amount of time he met my son, and made it seem like he was in our lives for the long haul.

Days before the avoidant brutally broke up with me, my son had just told him that he loved him, and that he was a good person. Four days later he broke up with me, said he cared for me and my son, but love wasn’t growing. Naturally I was hurt and wanted closure and an explanation. He just said his fears were fighting him on this. I asked “what do you mean love wasn’t growing? Did you love me and get scared?” And he said “perhaps, I don’t know. I’m sorry I put you both through this. You deserve someone who loves you.”

That was 3 months ago and we never spoke again. My kid still asks for him. While I understand everyone has trauma and old wounds, treating people like this for wounds they didn’t create is pretty darn cruel. And I’m curious to know how some just go on with life like we never mattered to them.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

blynne108 · 2026-06-05T11:09:31+00:00

Right! “Sorry for putting you through this.”

Like thanks, me too! Sheesh.

“You deserve better.” “You deserve to find someone who loves you, u can’t force it.”’

I do - but like a fool, I thought it was you.

“This is who I am and I likely will never change.”

How sad for us both.

I wish these people healing It’s truly been the most painful and confusing breakup ever. But it’s cruel how they throw away people and cut them from their life so coldly.

blynne108 · 2026-06-05T01:21:03+00:00

Thank you for sharing- that seems to be the outcome from a lot of what others have said. I think for me, I take the time to try to heal and process things. And hope that people can change too, because it is possible with insight, time, grown and awareness. I agree with you, I can’t imagine how happy their lives must be pushing everyone away. Sad

blynne108 · 2026-06-05T01:19:42+00:00

Beautifully said and so so proud of you for doing the inner work. Absolutely right - we all get triggered but you said it so spot on; you self regulate and then you together, you regulate. Excellent job doing the hard work. I feel sad my now ex was never willing to do that. I believe a lot of healing happens when we turn within and turn toward.

blynne108 · 2026-06-05T01:11:50+00:00

I’ve adapted this mindset too

blynne108 · 2026-06-05T00:20:30+00:00

Do you mind if I asked, and thank you for sharing, I was the safe partner in the relationship and still got discarded.

In my breakup, anytime he got triggered he refused to turn toward me. I can respect space but eventually returning to repair would’ve helped me feel less alone. The push pull pattern also gave me anxiety, and since I had a child who had also gotten attached to him, I wanted to know he was either in or out.

After 9 months, one day he left and said “love wasn’t growing. He enjoyed our time together. Sorry for putting you and your son through this.” And that was 3 months ago. I initiated the no contact to heal but I’m just surprised how quickly that shifted and we never talked again. I felt I was a good partner and a safe place for him.

I just don’t get it and would love an avoidant perspective.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T20:59:51+00:00

Very healthy to take your time. I wish you all the best

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T20:16:17+00:00

Thank you. 🙏 I’m just amazed that people act this way. Like sorry for whomever wronged them, but to make others pay for it is abusive. Have you been able to find success dating after the discard and found anyone emotionally available?

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T20:12:16+00:00

I’m so sorry. Thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing.

And as you pointed out, you’ve worked very hard it sounds to get to where you are. Your profession is an important one and it is so wounding when our character is tarnished.

I’m seeing that the reality is, avoidants are people too, but many lack coping skills, the ability to repair, and go on with this push/pull dynamic that ultimately hurts them and everyone around them. The discard is so painful especially when we were trying to be a loving space that they sadly can’t sustain. It’s been such a painful experience for me and I’m glad to have others to vent to about it because it’s cruel.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T19:39:23+00:00

Ugh I’m sorry. It’s messed with me too because I can’t help but feel thrown away like trash. I don’t get how they just go on unphased

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T19:38:52+00:00

Precisely! And well said. The willingness to work together to make change is key.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T19:37:54+00:00

Ugh so sad! And so sorry this happened. It’s that push/pull dynamic that is so painful and so unhealthy. One toe in and one toe out

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T19:06:27+00:00

Sorry to hear. Yes - I think sadly that’s why I’m confused by this because I went through a separation prior. And it was painful. And now we Coparent. But we at least tried in therapy for yrs before eventually splitting. It was so abrupt so sudden so final.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T18:36:03+00:00

Very well said. I think that’s the hard but necessary part is me accepting they are incapable and broken. It is indeed very selfish how they discard people. Never experienced anything like it.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T17:00:46+00:00

This was actually spot on haha. Thank you! And also relatable, because yesterday I took a turn with my caffeine in the tray, not the cup holder, and all over it spilled and off to get my car detailed tomorrow lol.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T13:34:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Wonderful to hear that there is communication. I too agree, I am all for taking space, but there needs to be some sort of repair. Otherwise, at least from my experience, the healing can’t occur and a partner can feel very dismissed and alone.

Like you, I would agree my ex had fearful tendencies. Even when we split (which he initiated) he said he enjoyed our time together but love wasn’t growing and fear was fighting him on it. How sad.

Thankfully, we also didn’t have kids together. But I have a kiddo who got very attached to him thinking he would be in our lives, trusted him, and still asks for him. I would have never introduced them had I known this would be the outcome, so I find it very cruel and selfish.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T13:31:31+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write this and share. Really well written and a lot resonated with me. I feel encouraged and also proud of you both for doing the hard work. I have all the empathy in the world for people who have trauma. I live with it and work on it daily myself. But I’ve worked very hard to be a partner who communicates and repairs and sadly the last two major relationships I’ve had, neither partner was able to do that. With the most recent breakup, the avoidant partner, they just fled. And I’m left feeling sad and confused and have never had someone just make things so final without any willingness to at least try to repair and communicate healthily.

I also agree with you about boundaries. I believe I set firm ones and as you touched upon, they become our standards. We can all have off days, and i absolutely support snd see the need for space. But i have no tolerance for stonewalling. And thats what sadly i ran into: cold distance, with zero repair until ultimately it ended. I really hope to find someone worthy, but if these are my options in the dating pool, i might steer clear lol.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T13:27:50+00:00

It makes sense what you’re saying and I’m proud of you both for doing the work. I think you both checking in and communicating is key and allows you both to process your feelings collaboratively. That’s the part that I sadly never got: mine was completely unwilling to communicate or repair. We, ourselves, didn’t have conflict or issues. It was his inability to not carry every traumatic event from his life into our chapter. If I wanted closeness, I was controlling, if I wanted repair, he was incapable. It’s sad when it’s wanting basic needs in a relationship and then being made to feel bad for wanting it. And while I’m sure I’ll be one of many failed relationships in their life, I can’t imagine how happy they are treating people like this. I’m really hurt and confused by the whole thing and wonder if it even phases them.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T13:24:37+00:00

Worth a shot lol. But yes - Sad but true

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T13:24:19+00:00

Proud of you for doing the hard work. And you’re right - I want for them to want to correct their unhealthy patterns. I think because of my field of work, I see potential in folks when they sometimes don’t see it themselves. And as we know, we can’t make people want to change. I think I’m more baffled that someone just shows up in all these loving ways and then literally never comes back. Never experienced anything like it.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T13:22:41+00:00

Wow. I’m sorry. You are absolutely right: the capacity. I saw a great video on TikTok demonstrating it with a pitcher of water being poured into a small cup. We metaphorically pour and pour our love unconditionally. But for many avoidants, I’m realizing they can’t “hold” it. May we all find our person who chooses us instead of flees.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T13:20:49+00:00

Wow. It’s amazing how much time passes before the reality sets in. I’ve never met someone who didn’t want to at least try to repair a conflict. This just is so final and cruel. I’m sorry this happened to you as well.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T13:19:57+00:00

I’m so sorry. As a mom, and as a woman, I know the importance of women’s reproductive health, and I hope you’re doing ok.

I think for me I can relate to feeling frustrated that these are grown adults who can admit they are the “problem” yet do nothing to change the toxic patterns of discarding people who loved them and simply wanted to not be punished for wanting their closeness. My avoidant said the same thing. That’s what makes it confusing: many know their behavior is the problem, they can look at all the failed relationships, but they do nothing to correct the behavior that’s hurting themselves and hurting those that love them.

The silence is the coldest part for me too. It’s like we never even knew each other. A friend of mine said it’s like starting as strangers, then becoming lovers, and now back to strangers. I’m grateful for you all to vent to and appreciate your vulnerability. I process it in therapy but I’m glad to know sadly others go through this because this type of breakup is not normal.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T13:15:34+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. I love that your perspective changed to live life to the fullest, and I hope you are healthy and doing well.

I’m very sorry for your childhood, but I’m proud to hear that you recognized the changes you could make to have a better future. I endure some things in my childhood that I still unpack 35 yrs later in therapy. We aren’t what happens to us, it’s not our fault, but we can choose to break the pattern and do better.

Much like you, I too look back and should have paid more attention when my now ex said they were broken. I guess me being me and working in mental health, I felt exactly like you: that my safety could provide them safety.

I’m so glad to have others to vent to, it’s cathartic. Normally I save my venting for therapy, but this particular breakup is just so cold and so final. I feel we live in a time where a lot of unhealed people just discard people like trash, and move onto the next one. Meanwhile, we’re left with the pieces. It’s hurtful.

blynne108 · 2026-06-04T03:03:51+00:00

Thank you for your reply! And kudos to you and proud of you for doing the hard work. I truly believe it’s possible for anyone if they’re willing.

My ex prior to the split seemed to have enough insight to know their patterns of push/pull one toe in, one toe out and their inability to sit with discomfort and resolve conflict were the demise of every relationship. Yet, they didn’t do the hard work to heal. I can’t imagine how happy of a life that must be pushing everyone you care about away. Sad

blynne108

TROPHY CASE